The Man Palace

Happy Chrismukkah!

2010-12-23T15:42:00.003-06:00

Sandy Cohen Says Happy
Chismukkah everyone.

And a very happy Festivus for the rest of us.

-Art

Rusty's Boring Football Analysis

2010-07-27T10:47:00.006-05:00

I exchange a lot of emails about Minnesota sports with Clark W. Griswold. I figured I would start republishing some of the novel length entries here.

Here is Clark's missive:

My concern is more with player development. Brew has a way of turning a 4* kid into a 1*. We need to be developing the lightly recruited guys into good players, guys like Kyle Theret.

Iowa is well known for developing under recruited in state guys into Big Ten and sometimes, NFL caliber players.

I do like it that Brewster pays more attention to the defense. They just need better coaching on that side of the ball.

Rusty's boring response:

I agree that there have been some misses in player development (I'm not going to argue that Theret is league bound), however, Brewster has also had a lot of success. Our entire linebacking corp is playing in the NFL, and none of them were any higher than a 3* last year. I think converting Lee Campbell into a NFL MLB from a DE in two years took some serous coaching. Tripplett was a perennial special forces player and then went in the 5th round. Jacobs and Kirksey have developed very nicely on the line and Sherels went from 5th string walk on wide out to playing his way onto the Vikings practice squad at DB.

I also think you overemphasis the role a head coach plays in a player's development. The head coach needs to be more concerned with big picture strategic development of the program, whether that is fighting for resources within the AD, working the PR trail or developing offensive, defense or recruiting strategy. If Brewster was hanging on an individual's development, I think we would be saying that he needs to direct his priorities and energies elsewhere. It's clear the Butler and Cross to a lesser extent are superior position coaches. On the other hand, Davis, Hammock and Lee have yet to really prove themselves.

I think the area a head coach can influence and that I think we overlook is the level of effort a player puts into their development. If a coach can make every guy on their team hungry to win and hit the weights, there will be more widespread success in development. That is a big picture attitude issue. The Campbells, the Tripplets and the Sherels were the guys who were always staying after practice or hitting the weights on days off. That's how you get better. Brewster needs to learn how to reach out to the highly rated guys from high school, and teach them that natural talent will only get you so far.

The one thing I can point to as my favorite aspect of Brewster is his obvious willingness and ability to learn on the job. We knew when we hired Brewster that he was a first time coach, never higher than a position coach above high school. He came in spouting off like Lane Kiffin about Rose Bowls and national championships, and recruited a ton of low character high talent thugs. In just four years, you can see the great maturation he has gone through. He has become much more low key, while still maintaining the positive energy around the program. He has shifted to recruiting stronger academic kids, and has realized that picking up coaches based purely on their recruiting abilities is not a viable strategy for success in the Big 10. I understand that at Minnesota we aren't going to be able to pull in a Nick Saban caliber coach on the open market, and I truly believe that the only way of breaking through to a Big 10 championship will be with a home grown coach. If we fire Brewster we will either pick up an established coach who is set in his ways, unable to adjust and cope with the unique challenges that come with being a head man at Minnesota (Mason II), or we will just get another young untested coach that will learn on the job again (Brewster II). I think we are pot committed to Brewster and need to bear it out for a few more years.

Here Comes The No Fun Police

2010-07-22T21:46:00.008-05:00

So I received an email from Gopher Athletics the other day. I couldn't believe that it had taken this long for the University to offer me my hockey scholarship, but whatever, better late than never. Imagine my disappointment to only find a link to a questionnaire about hockey games.The survey starts out innocently enough, but becomes more and more sinister as it goes on. The term "positive cheers" literally brought chills to my spine and causes me to dry heave.

Here's the thing. The college sport atmosphere is completely different than the professional sport atmosphere. If families are worried about their kid hearing the occasional f-bomb, get seats farther from the student section, or you can go to a pro event for basically the same price. I'm sick of all this PC bullshit. Also, the email mentions "new guidelines on sportsmanship and fan behavior at collegiate hockey games" that were recently passed by the WCHA. But I can't find any mention of it anywhere.

But the best part was when I submitted the survey I got this:Good work, guys.

If you wanna try to take the survey, here it is.

Drunk Blogging! Vol. 1

2010-07-18T02:03:00.006-05:00

This is a new feature where I write up an article at 2 AM after returning from the bar. Editing will be kept to a minimum.

Tonight was Art's birthday celebration. We went to William's Peanut Pub, or some shit. I love the salted-in-shell peanuts, but if I eat too many, I'll have an epsidode, as Rusty would say.

William's sells their beers by the liter, which is awesome, both because I can say "I would like a liter of beer" and because each liter is more than 2 pints. Whih makes you drunk faster. And you feel like a real man lifting up a 1 liter mug. Unfortunately, they wouldn't sell us pitchers for some reason. Thats the only thing more manly than a 1 liter mug.

There are 2 things I meant to write about this week. The first is Deadliest Catch. This is honestly one of the best shows on television. Its about crabbers in the Bering Sea near Alaska, and its on Discovery Channel. To be honest, it can get slightly redundant at times, due to the nature of the job, but the people on this show are amazing. This show embodies the manliness we try (and fail) to capture with this blog. This seaoson, the captain of one of the boats suffers a stroke during the season, so its all captured on camera. He eventually succumbs to it and dies. Captain Phil is was one of the most likable, but badass people on the show, and since this show is more of a documentary than a reality show, its actually incredibly depressing to see this all happen. Deadliest Catch is in it 6th season, and while the risk has always been there, nothing of this magnitude ahs happened before on the show.The way the producers handle this is respecful and interesting. They literally had video of him taking his last breath, but chose not to air it, which I agree with. They handled it with class and grace, while making for an intereting show, even though people knew he died way back in February. (I just spelled February right on the first try. Just goes to show why I deserved to finish in the top 5 of the 5th grade spelling bee. Fucking "swineherd" knocked me out. I'm still bitter. I'm pretty sure that's not a word.) My point here is, if you haven't been watching Deadliest Catch, you probably should be. If anything, you should at least watch the newest season, though I'm afriad you wouldn't be as attached to the people on the show as if you watched it for the entire run of the series. Full espisodes can be found online.

The second thing to talk about is the Mikko Koivu signing. Soon after the deal was announced, Rusty sent me an email asking my thoughts on the matter:I was excited to say the least at the beginning. But as I thought about it more and read around the interwebs, little doubts began creeping into my head. THe Wild may very well be overpaying here. But then again, they may not. The truth of the matter here is, the Mikko Koivu contract is hard to judge. No one will know whether or not its a fair deal for at least another seaon. The addition of some scoring wings could dratically help, but it doesnt't really look like that will happen this season. The cap space occupied here could fuck us over in the long run when it comes to signed other players. Thats actually the thing I'm most scared of. We need to sign players, and if we have so much tied up in Koivu, especially since theres grumblings that the salary cap will decrease in the coming years, we might be screwed. HOWEVAH, I'm gonna be optimistic here and say this is a good thing. The Wild need a leader, and Koivu can definitely fill that role.

At the very least, it's better than this:I would say moer, but I'm about to pass out. This has been the inagural issue of Drunk Blogging. Sleep tight folks. I know I will.

Viva España

2010-07-12T20:56:00.008-05:00

First off, I'm going to make an attempt to update this pile of words we call a blog regularly again. Since I don't have homework to bitch about anymore, I should make an attempt to get off my ass and do something productive when I get home from work rather than play GTA4 for 5 hours. And by "get off my ass" I mean "shift my gaze 10 degrees to the left."

So Spain won the World Cup yesterday. I was forced to watch it soberly with my dad and my sister, because she had to go and turn 20 yesterday. Twenty has to be the worst possible birthday ever. All you get is to start the countdown until you don't have to pay shady older kids a $20 premium for a 12 pack or risk getting date-raped by a brah.

I was glad to see Spain win it. I've been a "fan" of Spanish soccer for a couple of years now. I'm actually less of a fan of the team itself and more a fan of the country. That place is niiiice. I recently returned from a 10 day post-graduation excursion to the country. I've been there twice before in high school and saw all the tourist-y shit, so this time was about doing nothing in particular. And drinking.

The thing I noticed first in Spain this time around was the multitude of attractive females. I literally started counting the number of UNattractive 20-something's around the city. My final tally after 10 days of constant people watching: 12. Twelve unattractive people in the whole country. Which leads me to the point of this post: Sara Carbonero.

She is the Spanish keeper's girlfriend. But she's also a reporter for one of the big TV stations over there. And it was her job to cover the Spanish team in the World Cup. Which was kind of awkward when she had to basically say "You sucked out there" in a live interview after Spain lost to Switzerland in the first game. But after the final yesterday there was this:

Madre mia, indeed. What a lucky bastard. She gives Bar Rafaeli a run for her money. But I think my favorite part is the reporter on the right laughing like a little girl when they cut back to the studio. Anyways, more Sara Carbonero:
BONUS!
FALCON KICK!

Rusty's Guide to Winter Living on the Cheap

2009-12-12T18:31:00.003-06:00

The weather change last week was worse than a kick in the dick. We go from mid 40's to mid 10's in 24 hours, which sucks, and to make matters worse, hot camp goes into session. You know hot camp? That mythical lakeside nirvana where all cleavage and tramp stamps go for the winter? I hope to one day lead an expedition there, much like Ponce De Leon did for the fountain of youth. Except this would be less malaria and more titty.

Still I have been reluctant to turn the heat on. I have gotten by on this by taking a few simple steps.

1. Live in an apartment building with a bunch of nancies. I've never lived in an apartment building before. But this place is awesome. Everyone around me has their heat cranked to 80 or something, so all I need to do is lay prone against the wall and it's like a trip to Hawaii. Exactly like that.

2. Drink constantly. Beer coats aren't just for going outside anymore. If you always have a buzz, you will never be cold. It's science. This is a cost effective method if you live in Wisconsin, where 40's of Colt 45 may be had for the must have price of $1.50.

3. Take hot showers constantly. Al Gore gets pissed when apartment buildings include water in your rent. I love it. Feel cold? Take a two hours shower. Now we're talking.

Note: #3 works can substitute other things as well. Don't feel like laundry? Everytime you get sweaty just hop in the shower with your clothes on. Good times. Just took a really messy dump? Don't waist toilet paper, it makes baby seals cry! Instead take a seven hour bath and let your filth wash over you. Get. It. On!

4. Get a handy roommate. At the original Man Palace, we had a roommate who volunteered to shrink wrap everyone's windows. That was pretty cool. Or else use that towel you have for stopping the weed smoke from washing into the corridor to keep the heat in your apartment. Double word score!

5. Fart a lot. When I lie in bed and am cold, I fart and then feel warm. You not only get the warmth, but also the satisfying rumble of your own fluctuation, and the bonus smell for later! Three point play baby!

Jackpot

2009-12-11T14:04:00.002-06:00

I found 5 year old weed last week.

My allergies had been hindering my ability to watch football unbothered. I was unsure whether I should keep up the perpetual sniffle, or brave certain misery by dusting the place after which I could find some relief. Obviously, you wouldn't be interested in my choice to do the former.

I got out the Murphy’s Oil Soap, the kind you mix up in a squirt bottle, and started doing battle with the dust bunnies. Finishing up with the living space, I moved on to the dining partition of our humble apartment. I was doing my best to get into every nook and cranny when my rag got caught on one of those pesky nails they use to tack up wood trim.

This was a surprise to me because up until that point, I thought this piece of built-in furniture was solid wood. The façade was confirmed by the presence of three other hidden nails in this small 4 inch square piece of trim.

I tapped. Like a man with his ear to a safe, I listened closely for the hollow sound of a void in the space beyond this cover.

My first thought was, “I bet this would be great place to hide things. Like money… or DRUGS!”

Prying with my fingernails, I managed to work the four nails out of the larger piece. I removed the square. And behind it… DRUGS!

Apparently I was not the first to discover this ingenious hiding place. From the hole, I removed the classic Ziploc bag containing the old stems and seeds from Tom Censored’s 5 year old pot.

And how do I know this marijuana belonged to good ole’ Tom? Inside the baggie, he had wrapped his herbs in an old credit card bill, circa 2004. Genius.

Let’s just hope Tom kicked the habit when he left his stash behind. It may have been a factor in his rather large credit card debt.

Iowa just sucks so hard

2009-12-11T08:51:00.002-06:00

My favorite part is when he implores the camera man to look at the ground where he dropped all of the money.

Bravo Sir, Bravo

2009-12-09T21:08:00.005-06:00

Today at work, I went to "read the newspaper" and came upon a sight that literally made me stop in my tracks in awe. Someone had left a skid mark in the toilet, more than 2/3 of the way up the bowl. I've attempted to digitally reenact what I saw, but his picture hardly does the real thing justice.

Ignore the cell phone in the bowl...

Mind you, this was done in a public toilet (a larger and wider bowl), and was well above the waterline, which indicates how great a feat this was.

Also, when searching for images of "toilet bowl," I came across a set of pictures of what can happen to you if you stand on a toilet bowl and it breaks. WARNING: These are extremely disgusting pictures of a huge, gaping wound. NSFW, CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

I Don't Want to Hear It

2009-12-06T00:03:00.008-06:00

Its been a while. I know. I've been busy. We've ALL been busy. Rusty's learning how to sue you, Art is designing new products to save your life, and I'm taking tests and shit. Anyways, lets pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to how things used to be, ok?

During the Cal game earlier in the year (much earlier), Decker made an amazing catch. Routine Decker, but amazing to everyone else. He took a shot, and some egghead at the U analyzed the physics of the hit. Its amazing.

10 FUCKING G'S! That's crazy. That's like having Rusty's mom sit on your chest. Astronauts don't even face 4 G's during launch of the space shuttle.

What. A. Stud.

Too bad his foot is made of glass.

Time to Start a [Facepalm] Tag

2009-07-29T16:14:00.004-05:00

The fuck? I want to meet the newly-hired designer who snuck this one by the elderly higher-ups and give him a high-five.

Seriously though, why?

Also, I've added a widget to the right column listing shared items from the tubes. It'll update automatically and often, check it there or here.

Blue ICEE => Green Fudgies

2009-07-16T11:19:00.003-05:00

I went to the local cinema last night, to see the latest Harry Potter flick. Having not been in a theater for quite some time, I noticed that they still had those big, red, sometimes blue, tall frozen bevarges called ICEEs. I can't recall having one of them since I was walking the halls of Jr. High School. Unfortunately, my choice to purchase a large Blue Raspberry ICEE proved to me what I've avoided to acknowledge for a while now- my digestive system is not what it used to be.

Upon finding my seat, I deduced that the temperature in a sold out show would be slightly higher than the regular freezerbox. I came to the conclusion that I needed to drink this large slurpy as fast as I could to avoid ending up with a big cup of blue sugar water. By the time the last trailer went dark, I realized that I had made a huge mistake.

As Dumbledore and Harry set out accross the Black Lagoon of submerged Inferi, I was only too little comforted by the fact that the gurgles and gloshes eminating from my lower intestines were drowned amoung the screams from the agonized old man. I legitimately knew exactly what Albus must have been going through while shoving that dubious potion down his throat.

Not wanting to unleash unwarranted brutality on my fellow movie goers, I passed the public lavatories and quickly made my exit with my party. I successfully sat out the car ride home and upon my safe delivery, proceeded to destroy what was once place of peace and thoughtfulness.

Twelve hours have passed and I'm still shitting green. Alas, farewell invincible stomach of my childhood; hello food hangovers of the future.

We're Still Here...

2009-05-29T11:00:00.003-05:00

Don't worry folks. We haven't abandoned you. At least not permanently. The updates will start picking back up here. Anyways...

Watching the highlights of Gardy and Redmond getting ejected from the Twins 3-1 loss last night reminded me why I love the guy so much.

The managers are almost akin to enforcers in hockey. A manager coming out to argue a play and getting ejected can swing momentum similar to a well-timed fight in a hockey game. While yesterday's ejection didn't really do much to help the Twins pull out a win, the incident brought back memories of my favorite Gardy moment. Last season against the White Sox at the Humpty Dump, Gardy got ejected arguing a call at third, and on his way off the field, drop-kicked his hat over his head. The crowd roared, throwing hats on the field. While throwing things on the field is always risky, it got the fans back in the game and sparked the Twins for a come-from-behind win.

Coming back to the ejections last night, its apparent umpire Todd Tichenor was a little overzealous. I can understand that he doesn't want the managers and players to think they can walk all over him because he's new to the league, but ejecting Redmond that quickly when Redmond didn't even do much to deserve it was just ridiculous. He didn't swear and never made contact with Tichenor. Throwing his glove on the ground was agressive, but sure didn't seem ejection-worthy. And since Mauer was DHing, Redmond was trying to not be ejected, as it ended up costing the Twins their DH.

However, Zambrano's hissy fit yesterday makes even Gardy's look tame. Poor Gatorade machine...

Stupid non-embedable MLB video...

This Pisses Me Off

2009-05-07T18:02:00.005-05:00

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the declining newspaper industry. Without getting into the reasons behind it too much, we'll just assume it's because their websites suck and move on with it.

Here's exhibit A:

That's a screen grab from the Red Star's sport's page following the spring game. First let's look at the picture. See the FieldTurf? Does that look like the real turf field O'Shaughnessy field has? What about the background, looks like it's indoors right? The field turf and indoor apsects seem to remind of a stadium our team recently inhabited. Interesting, because the Gophers played their spring game at St. Thomas this year, outdoors.

Now let's focus on the caption. Ok, there's tailback Ralph Spry taking a carry. Ordinary enough right? Well, let's consider first that Ralph Spry plays wideout, not tailback. Hmph. Further, it seems that Ralph Spry was actually kicked off the team last year, and has been living in Alabama, retired from football since. Well Star Tribune, you certainly have an interesting take on how the Spring Game this year went down.

Gophers are Stoopid

2009-05-07T16:37:00.003-05:00

The NCAA recently announced the Gopher Football program would be one of two to be penalized three scholarships this year for lack of academic progress over a four year period. Being in the company of Ole Miss in academics is never a good place to be, but I have great hope this will be a short-lived association.

I blame two things for the low APR scores. First, the Grinster. Second, the first class Brewster brought in.

Mason recruited a bunch of idiots. The nature of the recruiting game today means your school falls into one of three areas:

1. "Helmet School". Only about 15 or 20 schools fall into this category. These are the perennial powers like Texas, Ohio State, Tennessee etc. who can recruit on name only. When a coach from one of these institutions steps foot in a high school, all other offers generally take a back seat (unless the athlete has a particular affinity for their home state, has built a relationship with a "UBER RECRUITER" or holds an offer from another helmet school).

2. "Uber Recruiter". This select band of coaches with last names like Zook, Ogeron, Dantonio and Brewster can hold their own on a national level through pure work ethic. These guys know how to talk to high school prima-donnas, and more importantly, can convince them that either their school is up and coming, or that they can be guaranteed early playing time. These ace recruiters can usually steal a few top 250 recruits from the helmet schools year in- year out.

3. "X's and O's Coach". This final category of coaches are filled with headmen who focus on finding system players who generally have a lower talent ceiling than those who attend the helmet schools and enroll with Uber Recruiters. Guys like Mason, Ferentz, and Tiller are good examples of this. These coaches recognize that they are old, white, and hate dealing with starlets, three personality traits which handicap any coach when trying to lure high school superstars. Their only chance to add top-end talent is by pursuing academic risks, who are late-qualifiers or JUCO transfers.

Glen Mason was an X and O coach (and an idiot). The only time he attracted top end high school talent (Laurence Maroney being a GLARING exception) was when they were academic or character risks. Guys like Keith Massey (convicted felon during recuritment), Paris Hamilton (big time JUCO receiver with a Troy Williamson like episode of underachievement both on and off the field), and Gary Russel (lol) created a culture of early drop outs and transfers out of the program. The Dom Jones scandal (and subsequent ejection of four retards) didn't help either. Our program is still about 40% Mason recruits, and when you consider we only graduated a ahndfuld seniors last year, the quality of players Mason chose to recruit really stands out. If you leave school while in poor academic standing, the school gets a damaged APR. With this astounding amount of attrition in Mason recruits, these consequences are understandable.

Secondly, Brewster recruited a bunch of idiots/late-qualifiers/non-signees in the three weeks he had before signing day after he was hired. Almost all of these guys have dropped out, with the exception of sometimes starter Kyle Theret.

The good news is that Brewster has seemingly righted the ship. We had the most Big Ten All Academics last season (twenty something), and the highest APR score in the history of the program. I attribute this shift to a Uber Recruiter being at the helm, as well as less attrition through drop-outs and off-field incidents. Brewster is creating a culture of accountability both on and off the field, a major reason I continue to support him despite the lack of on-field achievement.

Parties are awesome

2009-05-04T13:18:00.003-05:00

Holy Taco is a great site for lists, tits, and articles that will make you laugh your ass off.

In their latest piece, they outline random assholes who can ruin your party.

I think #7 sounds a bit familiar...(cough AEGA cough).

What a Sham!

2009-05-03T23:55:00.006-05:00

I forgot to mention that the Calder Trophy finalists were announced last week, and for some reason, Cal Clutterbuck was left off the list. Fucking travesty. Those douche-nozzles at the NHL wouldn't know REAL talent if it bit them in the ass. I believe I shall write a strongly worded letter.

The Prez has got game

2009-05-01T12:48:00.001-05:00

I really can't believe how awesome our president is.

Mr. Hoffarber, are you watching?

Do you have the Pig Flu?

2009-05-01T10:25:00.002-05:00

A helpful self-diagnostic tool provided by sometimes contributor J-9.

Better Late Than Never

2009-04-30T22:45:00.001-05:00

Apparently, I was supposed to preview the NHL playoffs. But I didn't. What are you going to do about it? I RUN THIS FUCKING PLACE! WITHOUT ME, YOU'D HAVE NOTHING!

Anyway...

Round 2 of the NHL playoffs starts tonight. The first round saw an upset as the winningest team of the season lost to the Anaheim Ducks. How embarrassing. Also, Detroit destroyed playoff-virgin Blue Jackets, Chico sneaked by Calgary (thank God), Carolina scored twice in the final 1:20 of game 7 to eliminate New Jersey, Montreal's centennial ended thanks to the Bruins, and Couver wiped out the Cinderella team of St. Louis. Lastly, the Caps came from behind on the Rangers (tee hee) and Crying Crosby led the Pens past the Broadstreet Bullies.

Which caused Gary Bettman to jizz in his pants.
The Washington/Pittsburgh series is the Commish's wet dream. The sports two biggest stars in an evenly matched Round 2 playoff series. And it should be a good one. Even though the Caps barely beat the Rangers, they've won three in a row. Hopefully they can keep that streak up. The Pens are also hot though (but really, who isn't in the playoffs?) My completely biased, not at all backed up prediction: The American Capital in 7. If you want Pittsburgh to win, you hate the US of A.

I don't know what to do for the Anaheim/Detroit series. Both teams suck. Well, they don't suck. But I hate them. With my whole body. But which team do I hate the least? That's hard to say. I really don't want Detroit to win the Cup just because Hossa turned down the Wild's very lucrative offer to go play with a "winner." Not that Detroit isn't a winner, they're just not the Wild. On the other hand, I hate the Ducks, especially after the 2007 playoff series, which consisted of cheap shot after cheap shot. And if you're calling me a giant homer right now...have you ever read this blog before? Anyway, to the pick: the Flying Wheels in 6.

Carolina versus Boston? Boston in 5. Lina came into the playoffs a six-seed. Boston had the second best record in the league at the end of the season. Also, I don't know a whole lot about either team, so I'm basing my pick on this totally awesome Bruins commercial:

And Zdeno Chara haunts my dreams.

Lastly, the Blackhawks are taking on the Canucks. Luongo is on fire right now, which could spell trouble for the Hawks. However, Chicago still has a hell of a lot of talent, albeit young talent. I see them overcoming and finding a way past the Vancouver goalie and into the Western finals. ~~(Even though they're currently getting spanked in Game 1.~~ Hawks lost Game 1, but not before coming back to tie it.) Hawks in 7.

As for a Stanley Cup winner? I see Boston taking out Washington and Detroit beating Chicago. I'm going to take the Eastern conference champion to win it all in 7 games. But once again, all these picks are clouded by feelings and biases as big as Rusty's mom's ass (NSFW?). Take it with a grain of salt.

Closing note: When I searched Google for "Zdeno Chara scary," this came up:
Awesome.

The Cheddar Pope Returns!

2009-04-30T10:28:00.002-05:00

Oh Favre, you tease! Our favorite #4 QB has just been granted his release by the Jets. Now Minnesotans are flying to his shit hole of a town.

You dog! Just let it happen.

This is dumb

2009-04-28T15:10:00.001-05:00

I don't understand why people keep coming up with new toilet ideas. Is there something wrong with a few moments of solitude, relaxed and releasing from a comfortable position?

Pasadena Bound!

2009-04-27T14:10:00.004-05:00

The Gopher's have kicked off their 2009 football season 0-0-1 after grinding to a 17-17 tie in their Spring Game. The game, held at the University of St Thomas' O'Shaughnessy Stadium this previous Saturday presented fans with a first look at the new pro-style offense led by Jed Fisch, and the dazzling talent of Troy Stoudermire, Marquis Gray and co.

Overall, the newcomers like those listed above stole the show from the returning 18 starters on offense and defense. Kevin Whaley impressed at running back, showing a possible flash of lightning to complement the incoming thunder of Hasan Lipscomb. With wideouts Eric Decker (baseball), Ben Kuznia (owie) and incoming Hayo Carpenter all absent from the practice, sophomores Troy Stoudemire and Broderick Smith had a time to shine. Stoudemire continued his development as a home run threat at every touch, racking up over 270 all purpose yards between his two touchdowns returning kicks, lining up in the slot and executing end-arounds.

The crowd favorite on offense however, came in the form of QB phenom Marquis Gray. Gopher fans have waited two years to see him under center, and he did not dissapoint. Despite playing touch football on the qb's, Gray showed his Terelle Pryor like ability to escape defenders in the pocket, as well as a very unexpected (but very welcome) touch in the passing game. Demonstrative of this ability was him laying it in to a streaking Broderick Smith, catching him perfectly in stride en route to a 60 yard touchdown. This observer wouldn't be surprised to see Gray push returning starter Adam Weber for playing time this fall.

Speaking of Weber, he didn't show much in this spring game. Hampered by off-season surgery on his non-throwing shoulder, Weber dispalyed an alarming lack of arm strength and touch on most of his throws over 10 yards, including underthrowing an open Marquis Gray on a trick play in the third quarter. He failed in looking off wide receivers, and even redshirt freshman Tim Dandridge came a blink of the eye away from a pick six in the first series. Although Weber still has a summer to learn the playbook and rebuild arm strength, that his struggles came against the second team defense while his backup Gray shined against the number one squad should help to spur him onward in his offseason preperations.

On the defensive side of the ball, newcomers were again the story. While returning end Cedric McKinley continued his development as the line's top replacement for Willie VanDeSteeg, redshirt freshmen Keanon Cooper as well as speedy Becky transfer Kim Royston showed a pop in their hits which had the crowd buzzing. Cooper is a new hybrid linebacker that Brewster is in love with, runs a 4.45 and can hit like a ton of bricks. It will be fun to see him in blitz packages this fall and also cycling out into coverage.

The player of the game award from me goes to someone on special teams. Eric Ellestad, the incoming replacement for Joel Monroe, showed flashes of consistency in an area of the Gopher's squad which has been overlooked for far too long. Hitting all four of his extra points and two field goals, Ellestad could be the answer at kicker. Did you catch that? He hit all four of his extra points.

The dogs of the game continue to be the o-line. This team will rise and fall with this squad of under-achievers. If these five guys get it together and become just adequate, I see a mid-tier bowl game for this team. However, if performance continues like last year, getting to .500 could be a struggle, and Coach Brewster could find himself on the hotseat.

All together, this spring was a time of optimism for the Gophers. Despite the absence of their best player, the offense showed flashes of brilliances, as well as a steady improvement in implementing the new pro-style offense of Jed Fisch. The defense will continue to be merely adequate, but could face some depth challenges in the secondary if injuries become an issue.

Mike Tyson Approves of this Action

2009-04-22T19:04:00.003-05:00

Mike Tyson isn't exactly a lover of the women (only men fuck, women "make love"), but I'm sure even he would be conflicted over this event. Apparently a woman in Minneapolis was hungry, and decided to snack on her ex (presumably) boyfriend's ear.

Minneapolis police officers responding to an assault call found a man sitting in a chair, his left eye swollen and blood running down the left side of his face and neck.

"Officers also observed that [the victim] was missing the entire portion of his left ear," the complaint said.

Ouch.

Werein Lefty calls Faldo a Pussy

2009-04-22T12:17:00.003-05:00

I love Phil Mickelson. I'm a proud lefty who is naturally drawn to those like me. Also, I am also a Minnesota sports fan, so I'm naturally drawn to those who notoriously collapse in the most decisive events. Phil fulfills both of these requirements.

That's why I was so bemused by a recent relay Phil and former Master's champ Nick Faldo had at the Champions Dinner. An excerpt:

Phil (loud enough for everyone to hear): "Gee Nick, I didn't realise that you are such a big guy. How come you used to hit it so short?"

Faldo: "Listen Phil, when you shoot 19 under par to win the Open at St Andrews you can start giving me a hard time."

Phil: "I understand that. But how come you hit it like such a pussy?"

Faldo: "I played golf the proper way."

Phil: "Yeah, like my wife."

lol. I bet AEGA plays golf the "proper way" too. Pussy.

Happy Fuck the Earth Day

2009-04-22T10:39:00.000-05:00

Once In A Lifetime

2009-04-18T01:03:00.005-05:00

Wow. It appears as though the College Humor Hottest College Girl contest actually ended in a perfect tie. And this is the championship. That is, of course, if the website isn't broken and displaying some erroneous result, which is always a possibility. If its real though, what are the odds? I'm a little shocked. It turns out ever vote does in fact count. I didn't actually vote in this poll. I COULD HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CHANGED THE OUTCOME!I had to double check to make sure there was no porn showing in this screenshot...

John Madden's Retirement Press Conference

2009-04-17T16:30:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I hate the New York Times

2009-04-17T09:15:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of things that I like about the Times. Their wide breadth of international affairs reporting, their in-depth look at facets of life often under-covered, and their website which makes our local rags look like something managed by AEGA.

But sometimes they suck. Those times are when they have artsy movie reviews of shitty comedy movies, and try to analyze the social aspects of porn when I just want to say enough.

Porn is awesome. I'm on record with that. But we don't need it to be socially acceptable. I talk about porn all the time (much to chagrine of Ms. Shakleford and others who are "socially able"). I enjoyed the public screening of Pirates II. But if it's socially acceptable, then things get awkward. Then I walk down the street and see Madeline Albright wacking off, and I lose my lunch. I think about porn in the New York Times as something like when the Discovery Channel used to show african lady boobies. That was pretty gross, and in no way arousing.

So New York Times, let's stay away from porn ok? I need my private spank bank time, and it sure as hell isn't going to come while I step out for a "smoke".

Rusty Sucks at Linking

2009-04-16T21:18:00.002-05:00

Just realized Rusty didn't link to our Twitter page, which is obviously the only reason we only have 2 followers, one of whom is me. So go HERE and follow us!

And bathrooms everywhere sigh with relief

2009-04-16T14:44:00.002-05:00

The Iowa legislature, in a brilliant show of statesmanship have decided to restrict the travel of all state employees. I guess this means no more bathroom hanky panky will be happening this fall.

A Beautiful Day

2009-04-16T14:12:00.003-05:00

Doug Risebrough has been fired as the Wild's GM. I haven't been this happy since Mason was fired.

It appears that Wild owner Craig Leipold actually wants to see this team win. And with Lemaire out, why not make it a completely clean slate?

Risebrough has had an absolutely terrible track record when it comes to the NHL Draft. Benoit Pouliot, taken in 2005, was famously sent down to the minors back in January. He was drafted before Marc Staal, TJ Oshie, and Devin Setoguchi. AJ Thelen, taken in '04, was also a complete bust.

Another thing - although at points I believed Lemaire's style wasn't working in Minnesota, it was really Risebrough who was smothering Lemaire. Poor draft picks, nonexistant trades, and a complete aversion to change handcuffed Lemaire. You can only do so much when you aren't given any scorers to play with. The fact that every single talented player on your team is "untouchable" when it comes to trades tells you that something isn't quite right. You can't trade the mediocre players for anything valuable. Also relying on the "young talent" on this team was ridiculous. Players like Colton Gilles and even James Sheppard could have used another year in Houston to hone their skills. Maybe then, Sheppard and Lemaire would've acutally gotten along. I was sad to see Lemaire go in the end, but now I'm even sadder, since I would've liked to see how Lemaire's style worked with some talent.

Hopefully getting a new GM in, who also gets to choose the new head coach will produce a gelled front office, with two people who are on the same page and can really rebuild this team to be less of a "boring team," as is the main complaint about the Wild from the rest of the country. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed, though...

A quick word about Lemaire leaving: something that bothered me about his departure was that it appears it was brought about because of lack of respect from the players. For some reason, this really got to me. I guess its because I see the Wild players as somewhat representative of Minnesota in a weird way. So when they have such giant rifts with their coach, or swear at him in front of the other players, it bugs me. From Russo:

Players have been getting frustrated with Lemaire. They’ve been talking back to him. There was an incident during practice Thursday when one player cursed at him. There’s been a big rift between he and James Sheppard, one Doug Risebrough had to get involved with. Players have been furious with the few days off.

Apparently the player who swore at Lemaire was Owen Nolan, which caught me by surprise, especially since he seems like such mature, team player.

Hey! There was already a "Fire Risebrough" tag on the blog. Shhhhhhhhoocking.

Our God Has Spoken

2009-04-14T07:30:00.003-05:00

adamcarolla: Hello? I don't know how this thing works. I don't think I'm twittering. Is this working at all? This is bullshit. Fuck this.

about 15 hours ago from Tweetie

This would be a good time to announce that the Man Palace is on twitter. Since we are all in the same boat as Adam, don't expect much action.

Counterstrike 3.0

2009-04-13T07:23:00.004-05:00

Yeah, our country totally kicks ass. After this year of defeats, I'm tired of my school, my conferences, and my country being kicked around by those that oppose them. While taking three headshots on the terrorists is slightly different than my proposed idea to let a couple minutemen off the chains, I'm still pleased with the result.

This still leaves the door open for my idea to turn Somalia into a fucking parking lot.

China Sux

2009-04-10T14:24:00.004-05:00

The more I read about China's giant sausage fest, the more it sounds like a frat house, without the comatose 18 year-old balancing on your balls.

You've got the mal-adjusted leader who feels uncomfortable around guys from outside his group (see right). You have other people criticizing you for human rights abuses that happen in your house. Your history is shrouded in mystery, and passed along in Little Red Books. You often need to be on the list to get in. And finally, you have an afinity for really young girls.

Yeah, sounds like China has some growing up to do. See you at the pasta feed?

Lightsabers and Boobs (Probably NSFW)

2009-04-08T18:56:00.003-05:00

Growing up, every young man sees Star Wars and wonders what it would be like to get it on with the hot futuristic chicks. George Lucas's casting did nothing to subside these issues. This fantasy has even managed to migrate from the minds of nerds to the small, 14.1" LCD screen. Now I have to say that I stole this from Gizmodo, but I'm glad that this tradition refuses to die.

I gotta say, I was happy to see AXE make a decent commercial for once, until I realized it was a fake brand. Power to the prepubescent male.

Fuck Chicago

2009-04-02T19:31:00.005-05:00

So apparently Ely, MN has just thrown its hat in the ring to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. And I am totally on board.

The news dropped on April Fool's, but buddhafisch over at Wild Times claims they actually sent in the application. I'm just way too lazy to look up whether or not its true. And that doesn't really matter.

There a website, Facebook group, and online petition. The best part of this whole thing is the press conference that was held (you can watch in HD!):

Man, I want one of those T-shirts.

No Fun League needs to man up

2009-04-01T09:30:00.004-05:00

I was poking around the Big Lead, and they were excited about this article, which argues that the NHL is more physical than the NFL. As a hockey player all of my life, I'm inclined to disagree with the Big Lead's argument:

When you’ve got 300-pound lineman colliding on every play, and freakish defensive athletes acting like missiles toward unsuspecting QBs or WRs, it’s not even close. There’s probably a reason you see hockey players in their 40s; meanwhile, outside of a couple positions, NFL players bodies begin to break down much earlier.

A couple responses. First, hockey players are on skates. When he's not suffering from groin explosions, Mario Gaborik has been known to complete a lap of a NHL sized rink in 13.713 seconds. This figures out to around 27 MPH. On the other hand, Michael Bennett, of Vikings and Steelers fame was clocked at the conbine running 4.13 40. This figures out to around 19.5 MPH.

Now, I was in retard physics in high school, but the difference in impact momentum between a player moving at 27 mph and one at 19.5 mph is significantly higher. Add in the 27mph to zero instant deceleration when you meet the boards, and you can see the dramatically higher impact hockey players suffer from, compared with NFLers.

The 300 pound linemen collide with very little forward momentum, they're lined up across a ball from each other. Instead you've got guys who are nearly the same size moving at much higher rates of speed, with the sole intention of smashing into another guy.

Yeah there are some guys in their 40's playing hockey, but have you met Gary Anderson or Martin Gramatica? Keep in mind, most of the guys in their 40's are nancies, and not representative of NHLers as a whole.

In conclusion, take of your skirts you football playing nancies, hockey is, and always has been, the true manly sport.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 5

2009-03-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

Last day of the video blogs folks. Maybe some select pictures will make it up here later, maybe not. We'll see.

The end.

Twins Update

2009-03-28T14:55:00.002-05:00

Mr. Shakleford Sr. is present in Fort Meyers this week, and sent up this early scouting report from Twins spring traning.

1. Morneau looks good at the plate. Another towering yard-job yesterday and a couple of other hard hit balls.

2. Cuddy is looking pretty good--hammered one out also yesterday. Kubel is really killing the ball.

3. Punto looks good in the field and at the plate--web gem yesterday and two hits..

4. Crede looks bad at the plate. Hopefully it's just rust. He was taking extra BP under the stadium before the game swing with one hand on the bat.

5. Pitching looks pretty solid except for Nathan--he's getting hit pretty much every outing.

6. Yesterday was Cretin-Durham Hall day at the game--Joe M. was hanging out with them. Rumor in the stands was that he has been pain free the last few days. Without him catching position is a liability. Morales can hit but can't throw or call a game. Redmond only can play a couple of times a week. Butera can catch but can't hit.

7. Span is in a big slump--seems to be pulling away from the ball a lot. He looks good in the field though. He also made a bad base running mistake yesterday. Maybe it was because it was a laugher.

8. Gomez is taking a lot of pitches but still swings at a lot of bad balls.

9. Even though they scored at will yesterday, the offense can disappear against good pitching. The Rays left one of their starters in yesterday too long--gave up 11 runs. A guy sitting by us said that their manager was punishing him for reporting out of shape.

Suck on this Patrick

2009-03-27T15:23:00.001-05:00

The Gophers are now ranked #2 in the Director’s Cup, which measures every sport in an athletic department based on performance. Jumping eleven spots from fall to the winter is pretty remarkable, especially when you consider hockey, and both the basketball teams haven’t yet been calculated.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 4

2009-03-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

The next morning...

I've included pictures of us playing on the tanks and airplane.

Good Work Congress

2009-03-27T14:36:00.003-05:00

While our country is confronted with a perfect storm of a slumping economy, two wars and divided political environment, it's always good to see that our elected officials are on the job.

Enter Representative Bill Pascrell of New Jersey, who has bravely put forth a bill acknowledging Martin Brodeur of the New Jersey Devils for recently clinching the all time NHL wins record.

Oh America, how I love thee.

An Off Year

2009-03-27T11:27:00.005-05:00

So Puck Daddy is representing the NCAA Hockey Tournament, which starts today. Its good to see some publicity for this event, since there usually isn't ANY. Anyways, today's article about the Top 10 things for college hockey nerds to watch for in the tourney had some good quotes about Michigan Tech and the WCHA as a whole. Both of them absolutely true.

And then there's always one guy, from like, Michigan Tech, walking around the host city by himself and wearing the full get-up. And you see that guy EVERYWHERE. Go to the zoo on the off-day? There he is feeding some seals. Go to a restaurant down the street from your hotel? He's drinking heavily and eating three plates of mozzarella sticks at once. And at the actual games? He's ALWAYS sitting next to you, talking your ear off about how his team has an outside chance to make it there next year.
No they don't, you creep. Stop following me.

Honestly though, its pretty demoralizing to walk into MacInnes Ice Arena and see all the banners from the '70s when Tech was actually awesome.

Fans of most conferences will generally root for their fellow Hockey East or CCHA teams until they come in direct conflict. "If it can't be Vermont, what the hell? Go BU!" That kind of thing. But I don't know what it is about WCHA fans that makes them hate everyone in the country that isn't them. You've never seen people more pleased with a bounce that goes against the Sioux or the Pios than a Minnesota or Wisconsin fan. Everyone else can be civil, but not the WCHA.

God damn right I will cheer against every other WCHA team (except obviously, Michigan Tech...they're not exactly a threat anyways). Fuck UMD, but especially fuck the Sioux.

That is all.

Stoa Gone

2009-03-27T09:46:00.003-05:00

Gophers Illustrated is reporting that Ryan Stoa has joined former Gopher Jordan Leopold with the Colorado Avalanche.

While this was expected, I hope this will be the only early departure for this offseason. But if history tells us anything, there will be one more we kind of expected (like Schroeder) and one out of no where (like Ness). Hold on to your butts.

Wherein I neuter the underdog

2009-03-27T09:15:00.002-05:00

I’m a Big 10 homer. Always have been, always will be. I’m irritated by the national press snubs we are always afforded, and enraged when our hometown press eats their young. But last night Purdue strained my conference affections. Have you ever heard of a MID GAME ADJUSTMENT!?!?!? Jesus CHRIST! If you’ve got this gigantic center over whom no shot can be made, switch to your outside game! Stop trying to drive it inside, and looking surprised when he smacks the ball back in your face! Somewhere in Ohio, the Grinster approves of this game plan.

It was fun watching Duke get out Duked ( /dodges brick) by Villanova. Neither team has an inside presence, and you will go nowhere without a dominant big man.

Back to me being a Big 10 homer. I love hearing all of these ESPN “analysts” bitching on their soap boxes that not enough mid majors get in the tournament. They whine that it’s not St. Mary’s fault the teams they played in non-con sucked this year. It’s not SDSU’s fault they play in a shitty conference. It’s not Memphis’ fault Conference USA is a joke. Well cry me a fucking river. Yes it is. The selection committee looks at how the teams you played performed this year, not last year dumb ass. Why did Minnesota and Wisconsin make it in over these mid-majors? Because they beat good teams! While I will never defend Wisconsin on this blog, I will instead argue that Penn State should have garnered an invite as well. You watch these joke mid-major teams sneak in with the auto-bid and get pounded every year by the same teams. It’s the NCAA tournament, not fucking retirement home shuffleboard tourney! Instead you watch teams with legitimate tournament resumes play good games against other highly regarded opponents. These games are engaging and represent a legitimate search for the nation’s best basketball team. If the mid-majors want a shot at the prize, they need to schedule tougher non-conference schedules as a whole conference. Rising water raising all ships, and if your entire conference is playing a tough schedule like the Big 10, the Big East and the ACC do year in, year out, your conference RPI will increase. But that’s not enough. You need to beat these tougher teams. It’s not enough to say “well, I got destroyed by Duke, Sparty and UCONN, why didn’t I get an at large bid?”. That’s like saying “I drove my company and the entire US economy in the ground, but I tried hard and still deserve my $10 million bonus!”. Die.

And Digger Phelps, kindly shove it up your ass.

Public Enemy #1

2009-03-27T08:31:00.004-05:00

This man is offically persona non grata of the Man Palace. Our friends over at the Daily Gopher are holding a nickname contest for this scribe of scorn. Head on over and join in the fun.

Zing!

2009-03-27T01:21:00.003-05:00

Yet another reason to love Cal Clutterbuck, as if you needed it. From Russo's Rants:

In the third, after Okposo tried to remove Zidlicky’s kidneys, Clutterbuck and Okposo were having an unbelievable barking match from penalty box to penalty box. Then Clutterbuck started gesturing. I thought he was pretending to wipe tears or something. After the game, I asked Clutterbuck what he was doing and he said, “Told him to shave his neck. I told him if he can’t grow it on the rest of his face, why try at all?”

Awesome.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 3

2009-03-26T15:00:00.001-05:00

Day 3 of the video blogs find us at the end of the first day of the Man Sojourn, having arrived in Podunk, IN. Funny story, we were joking about how we could be murdered by the locals, and no one would ever find us. Then in the middle of the night, there were footsteps and talking outside the tent. It was then that I made my peace with God. Turns out some people were camping around the corner. Apparently they had a case of Natty Light, too. I should've gone out and made friends...

Also, we were both exhausted. That's my excuse for sounding like more of a retard than usual.

Sausage Links

2009-03-26T13:14:00.003-05:00

Get it? Sausage? It's like a penis. Which is funny.

A couple items today relating to Gopher sports.

First is this piece which quotes Joel Mat as a continuing supporter of Lucia. I guess my thoughts on this matter are pretty simple. He gets one year. If in one year we’re still getting pounded in recruiting (and not filling our needs), getting swept by our biggest rivals and shedding underclassman faster than AEGA eats a ½ pound burger, show him the door.

Another is an article in the Strib which discusses expansion of the WCHA, focusing on The Harvard of the North. I say fine. Although on a personal level, the thought of having another WCHA school in state will hurt recruiting, we are still the top dog in our state, and if anything, BSU will help keep the Sewage honest when looking at the Iron Range guys.

I’m really getting tired of people speculating about Tubby leaving. Fun Bobby says he’s here to stay. Can we put our Minnesota inferiority complexes aside for just a second and enjoy the moment? Is it so hard to believe that someone who left hell on earth and has settled in Minneapolis would be so quick to jump ship? Let’s relax a little bit, and go back to hating Childress.

Finally, congratulations are in order for Jordan Schroeder, who became the NCAA Hockey Rookie of the Year last night. Projected as a top five pick in the upcoming draft I hope his future holds one of two things: He stays in school for all four year or he gets drafted by the Wild. Or both.

SIGN CUTLER

2009-03-26T10:49:00.004-05:00

Turning my attention away from the poundage of suck that is Gopher athletics, I've noticed recently that Jake Cutler (lovingly nicknamed by KSK as "Cutler Fucker") has asked for his whiny ass to be traded out of Denver.

The nasal pitch of his demands have awoken me from my offseason slumber, and I am once again incesnsed by Viking managment. At Winter Park right now, we have TarVar the Inept, and Rosenfels the Underwhelming. In what way is Cutler NOT an upgrade from these two retards?

Come on Chilly! Pull the trigger! Who are we going to pick up in the draft this year anyways? An O-line man? We can do that in any round. What we need is a QB who represents a legitimate vertical passing threat, to take some pressure off Purple Jesus.

Come Zygi! Get your head out of Tom Bakk's rather significant ass and send your plane on down the Denver way. Skol bitch! Skol!

He's All A-Twitter

2009-03-25T23:42:00.009-05:00

Apparently, Big Pappa Brew now has a Twitter account. According to the man himself:

WELCOME TO COACH BREW'S TWITTER PAGE... I AM OFFICIALLY HI-TECH!

Yeah, except my grandparents also type their emails to me in all caps, so you're right on pace with them. Anyways, it's pretty entertaining to read the Twitter of a guy who is so continually optimistic. The Daily Gopher made some good points:

I just have two more comments. 1) At least it's clear Brewster is doing this himself. And 2) Do we really want Brewster doing this himself?

Also, apparently Brew has his own new recruiting site: Play4Brew. It even has the requisite dramatic Flash opening. Good stuff.

In other news, the Wild won tonight, and rookie Cal Clutterbuck broke the NHL record for hits in a season, at least in seasons where the stat has been recorded. Its kind of a joke stat since its totally opinion-based, but cool nonetheless. Give him the Calder.

As far as the playoff race goes, the Wild keep me holding on to just a thread of hope. I've already declared the season over about eight times, but now once again, it appears as though they have a chance. There is a cool website (NHLPlayoffRace.com) showing the race, along with each team's "tragic number" which is the number of points squandered by that team or gained by the 8th place team before they are eliminated from contention.

Also saw this on nhLOL. More good stuff.

Full of Fail

2009-03-25T23:41:00.002-05:00

Ok, so now all the video blogs are public, so you should be able to view them. Please accept my apologies for being retarded.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 2

2009-03-25T15:00:00.004-05:00

I must preface these two videos by saying, I am from Monticello, MN, and all my life I've had to deal with Monticello, IN coming up first in searches, etc because "I" comes before "M". So I was excited to see what a shithole Monticello, IN actually was as we drove through it. Also, I fail at recording.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 1

2009-03-24T22:59:00.004-05:00

The day has arrived. Here are the first two Man Sojourn '09 video blogs. The first takes place as we were stuck in a toll lane for 45 minutes to pay an $0.80 toll. We may have been slightly irritable. The language at parts may be NSFW.

I would like everyone to note that it is still light outside in the first video and dark in the second, and we had traveled all of 5 miles. Just saying.

Check back tomorrow for more insightful commentary.

Save the Queen

2009-03-24T01:20:00.003-05:00

Found this on Puck Daddy yesterday. Its awesome.That would be Kim Johnsson with a beard of bees. It comes from this story.

P.S. Man Trip '09 video blogs are uploading to Youtube as we speak. They'll be here tomorrow.

Coming Attractions

2009-03-15T21:31:00.002-05:00

Art and I have made the sojourn all the way to the nation's capital to crash with Rusty for a week. As an added bonus to our 6 fans, we have video blogged the drive out and will post them here soon. I'm sure you can't wait...

Spring Break!!!

2009-03-13T09:15:00.003-05:00

T-minus 1 hour and 45 minutes. The AEGA and myself will be hitting the open road for our grand adventure across the great country side. Our destination? The Capitol of this Fair Nation to visit Mr. Shakleford at his new abode as he puts in hours for The Man(or woman, I guess Hilary is the head of the State Dept.).

I know what your thinking. Man Palace Central to Washington DC, that is quite a drive isn't it? My answer is yes. It is. You'll also be happy to know we will be camping the lovely state parks of Indiana where the temperature is currently breaching 28 degrees and flood warnings were issued throughout the state in the past week. But I'm sure we'll make it through and have all kinds of wonderful tales, (e.g., the water wasn't on at the campground or AEGA got eaten by Sasquatch).

Oh yeah, we're also hitting up NYC for a few days. Rusty got into law school. AEGA and I are crashing the Welcome cocktail party ...to make sure things are structurally stable.

Pictures and stories of eminent hilarity will ensue. Stay Tuned.

The Aceman Cometh...

2009-03-10T23:58:00.003-05:00

For those of you who have never heard of it, there's a radio show broadcast across the nation every night called Loveline. I love Loveline. But only the classics. The ones with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.

I spent many nights in high school falling asleep to Germany or Florida, lightning rounds, and betting on what age girls were molested at. Then in 2002, Adam got popular from the radio show and from the Man Show on Comedy Central and split to take over for Howard Stern.

Adam is a god. But even that didn't help the morning radio show. After changing up the co-hosts and other aspects of the show, the ratings were still in the shitter, and the radio station carrying it changed formats to Top 40 and ended the morning radio show.

However, this was definitely a blessing for all those not in LA who didn't get to listen to Adam every day. Since he's waiting for his pilot with CBS to take off, he doesn't have much to do, so decided to start up a daily podcast, for free.

While under contract with CBS, he can't earn money from the podcast, so its unsponsored, meaning he can say and do whatever the hell he wants, which is when Adam is at his best. I highly recommend checking it out, if you haven't yet. Each episode is only about an hour long, so it's perfect to listen to while driving to work or waiting for the bus. He's already set the all-time record for the most downloads of a single podcast (upwards of 600,000) and gets about 1 million downloads a week. So even though bandwidth is costing him nearly $50,000 a year out of his own pocket, it'll remain free at least through the end of this year.The Adam Carolla Podcast

My Thoughts Exactly

2009-03-02T21:25:00.009-06:00

I know that this is all I've been writing about lately, but I'm kind of in crisis mode right now. The NHL trade deadline is Wednesday and while I haven't exactly been counting on the Wild making some sort of monumental trade, I've still been paying attention to the Strib and Puck Daddy for any updates and rumors leading up to the swap meet.

Michael Russo at the Strib, who is my go-to source for all things Wild, had an article today discussing the trade deadline and Risebrough's "strategy." I use this term in the absolute loosest way possible. It seems as though his plan is to continue sitting there with his thumb up his ass. And while I don't believe the Wild should trade Backstrom, you better do something with Gaborik, unless you're absolutely sure you can get him to stick around one more year, which won't happen. Alas,

"If somebody says, 'I really want to overpay,' well, then what do I do? Now they put me in a dilemma. But I've told you my motivation."

and also:

That's because Risebrough says things have been "surprisingly quiet," meaning his cell phone isn't running out of battery life.

Shhhhhhhhhocking. You do know that your GODDAMN CELL PHONE WORKS TWO WAYS, RIGHT? Start calling in favors, dipshit. You must have some dirt on some other GM in the league you can use as fucking blackmail. That's how the Chiefs got Cassel for nothing.
However, the best quote from the brains behind the operation, from TwinCities.com:

If a team offers a substantial package for Gaborik, Risebrough said, "Then I've got to listen. But my motivation is not to do that."

I don't even know where to begin. I'm fucking speechless. I'm starting to think this is a cruel joke. Dougie, your team just dropped to 10th in the West. In case you need a primer on the NHL playoff system, 10th doesn't cut it. You say that Gaborik will be back to provide a "shot in the arm" to the team. When will that be? You say at most 18 days. Today Gaborik says he might make it back by the end of the month, to play the last five games of the season. Thats like giving Trig Palin a Baby Einstein CD. ITS NOT GOING TO HELP.

Puck Daddy had some excellent thoughs on the above quote:

So what do the Wild do? Offer a barely-unbroken Marian Gaborik to the masses and get a return that's less than you'd normally get or hang onto him, maybe make the playoffs (huge maybe), and lose him for nothing?
If a team offers a substantial package for Gaborik, Risebrough said, "Then I've got to listen. But my motivation is not to do that."
Idiot.

My thoughts exactly.

Hey! That's the title of the post!

The Dumbest Trophy In College Sports

2009-02-25T19:15:00.002-06:00

So we play for the Axe, the Pig, the Bell and the Jug. Michigan State and Penn State play for this:

The Dude called. He wants his trophy back.

We've Been Snubbed

2009-02-17T11:21:00.003-06:00

I clicked through all 25 of these shitty blogs to find the blurb about the Man Palace, only to find it wasn't listed as one of the Best Blogs of 2009. What a fucking outrage! Our loyal readers should probably email Time about this inexcusable error.

Yes Please

2009-02-17T08:49:00.002-06:00

Here at the Man Palace we like to pride ourselves in discovering innovated methods for delivery alchohol to the bloodstream. This is another in a long line of devices our house is sure to acquire in furthering this quest.

I need this game.

2009-02-16T19:27:00.000-06:00

Make It Rain

2009-02-13T17:40:00.004-06:00

I believe that Doug Risebrough's job is on the line. At least I hope so. Maybe that will give him some motivation to work a little harder.

The Wild GM has had a bad couple years recently. More specifically, a bad last year. The Wild lost a lot of excellent talent last offseason in Demitra, Rolston, and Aaron Voros and are poised to lose much more this year. They've already basically lost Gaborik for nothing. Sure, they might get a draft pick for him from a team looking to make a playoff run, but there's virtually no chance of him resigning with the Wild. This is partially due to Risebrough waiting a little too long to start talks. Although, Gabby hasn't helped the cause either.

Once again, Risebrough has waited far too long to try and lock down a valuable unrestricted free agent. Niklas Bakstrom, who is playing superbly (some may argue due to the Wild's defensive nature), is 27-17-2 with a 2.17 GAA. His record should be much better with the performances he's had, but when your team can't score in front of you, it makes it difficult to win games.

Now that Backstrom is an All-Star, its going to cost considerably more to sign him. Had Risebrough made a move much earlier, he could have saved the team a large amount of money. I just don't understand the "sit around and wait" mentality in the Wild's front office. When you know you have a talented player like that, you should lock that shit down as fast as you can. If Ms. Rafaeli were to give you her phone number, would you wait a month to call her?

Because Risebrough is sitting there with his thumb up his ass, the trade rumors have begun to fly. There are teams that could use a strong goalie for the post-season, such as Detroit, Chicago, or Washington. Josh Harding is playing very well in the starts he gets, so I don't doubt that he could probably step up to the plate and perform. However, neither of the goalies on the Aeros seem to having stellar years: Shaefer has a 2.46 GAA and .907 save percentage in 34 starts while Brust has about the same save percentage. So if Harding were to get injured, there's no one of quality to back him/us up.

However, the good folks over at Hockey Wilderness made a pretty compelling point not too long ago. If Backstrom is actually asking for $6-7 million a year, we may be able to get some real scoring talent for him. I guess it all depends on whether you like to live dangerously or not.

I feel that rather than trade Backstrom, the Wild should probably pony up the cash and make a different trade. Apparently, there were 11 NHL scouts in the stands for Wednesday night's game against the Avalanche. The Wild should trade a defenseman, probably Johnsson (and a draft pick perhaps?), for someone who can put the puck in the net.

Something drastic needs to be done, and if the Wild do end up trading Backstrom, they better get some actual talent this time. I feel as though we really wouldn't be in this position if Doug would have just manned up and pulled the trigger sooner, and if Backstrom ends up leaving without the Wild getting a star player, Risebrough should be chased out of town by a torch-and-pichfork carrying mob.

On a side note, defensemen need to protect their goalies. This happened numerous times during the Edmonton game, and should not have gone unpunished. To the anti-fighting proponents out there, this would happen on every frozen puck without fighting...

Lets the Puck Go By

2009-02-13T09:11:00.005-06:00

Ordinarily I'm a fervent supporter of Gopher athletics. But this email, which was dropped in my inbox this morning, just pisses me off.

Minnesota has long been known as having the best fans in college hockey and
that spirit was evident once again last weekend when you helped make Mariucci
Arena a tremendous atmosphere for our series against Wisconsin. Our team is
incredibly appreciative of your support, but I must express my disappointment of
the vulgar language directed at the Wisconsin team.

We certainly don’t want Mariucci Arena to be an easy place for visiting teams to play. However, such chants as “F--- the Badgers” don’t belong in the college game. We often hear those types of chants directed towards us when we visit other WCHA arenas and I’m saddened when I hear our great fans going to that level. Adding vulgarity to our cheers does little to intimidate the opponent, it only reflects poorly on us.

Let’s keep the energy level high at Mariucci Arena as our team marches
towards the postseason. But let’s also keep it a place where families and
visiting fans see the way we support our Gophers by cheering with
class.

Thank you for your incredible support again this season. We have four
regular season home games left and, hopefully, several playoff games. We’ll do
our best on the ice and we hope you continue to do your best to prove you’re the
best fans in college hockey.

-Coach Don Lucia

While I agree with Coach Lucia (or whoever wrote this email for him) that chants like "Fuck the Badgers" are uninspired and classless, doesn't he have bigger fish to fry at the moment? Getting swept out of your arena by one of your most hated rivals is pretty humiliating, as well as getting pounded by Cindy Brady State and the Sewage on the road. Minnesota has long had one of the most loyal and supportive fan bases in all of hockey, but we are so often left unrewarded.

Take the Wild for instance. Riding a home sell out streak since Day one which includes even the exhibition games, Risenborough and the ownership still like to pretend we are a small market team, and need to go bargain basement on our talent. We wait to resign Backstrom, possibly missing the boat on him. We fuck the dog of the Gaborik deal, and then refuse to pony up a little cash to get some more offense instilled in our system (I'm sure AEGA can speak more to this). This is total bull shit. We all know there's a recession, but really, the Wild are swimming in cash. Isn't it time for the ownership to open the piggy bank and bring us some real talent?

Or look at the Gophers. While I have little issue to take with Lucia or his staff (who I'm sure had little to do with this email), I do have some problems with the way the administration has treated the student body. In my four year career as a student at the U, I was treated as little more than a barnackle leaching from the athletics department. Whether it is the unreasonable cavity searches we are subjected to at all sporting events, the disdain students are treated with when expressing a willingness to travel with the team, or the refusal to award loyalty points based on student season tickets sales, the sports leadership has been dreadful at fostering support in Dinkytown. The athletic department is owed nothing by the students which gobble up tickets to watch our shitty football team blow it against our hated rivals week in and week out, or our hockey team underpeform like a bunch of hyper-talented, spoiled children.

I have, and always will continue to support Gopher athletics. But it sickens me when this school to whom many students have given so much turns around and slaps down them like this. Shove it up your ass Fun Bobby, Maturi and whoever else thought this letter was a good idea, and be happy we weren't chanting your name instead!

Coincidence? Yep.

2009-02-12T14:31:00.005-06:00

I get to work today and jump on the computer to check my email. I pull up the Google homepage and I see this:

Pretty. What's that? Oh, It's Charles Darwin's birthday? Wow, He'd be 200 years old if he was still alive. Impressive. I turn on the radio to get my morning dose of MPR. Guess what? It's also Abraham Lincoln's birthday. Barack Obama has blah blah blah to say about it. And you know what? He would be 200 years old as well. Any one else think this is wierd?

I headed over to Wikipedia to make sure this was true. Sure enough, Honest Abe and Daddy Darwin were born February 12, 1809. I wondered if there were any other links between the two. They both lead completely different lives and made revolutionary marks in completely different areas of all of our lives. Had they ever met? Are they twins, separated at birth?

Nope. Bummer. But this is cool:

I Think I'm In Love

2009-02-11T10:34:00.005-06:00

After an extra long night of working in the computer lab, I came home to find an extra special treat in my mailbox. The SI Swimsuit Edition.

The cover model is Bar Rafaeli, and she is HOT. To quote a good friend: "I would sell everything I own and quit my job just to sit there all day and fan her with a palm." Or something like that.

Apparently, she is dating Leonardo DiCaprio, the lucky fuck. That bastard is more than ten years older than her. I'd be a much better choice. What I wouldn't give to be able to go all Being John Malkovich on him.

But I digress. Overall, the Swimsuit Edition is sweet, but other than a few pictures, almost everything can be seen online, with a whole bunch of bonus pics. And videos!

UPDATE: HOLY SHIT!

She does realize Leo is a douche, right?

The Solution to All of our Problems

2009-02-11T09:07:00.002-06:00

Very rarely do I post seriously on here. But this is one of those times. I was scrolling down my Google Reader this morning, and I came across an article penned by my favorite journalist, Thomas Friedman.

For those of you who are too lazy to read the article, here's a choice excerpt:

“All you need to do is grant visas to two million Indians, Chinese and Koreans,” said Shekhar Gupta, editor of The Indian Express newspaper. “We will buy up all the subprime homes. We will work 18 hours a day to pay for them. We will immediately improve your savings rate — no Indian bank today has more than 2 percent nonperforming loans because not paying your mortgage is considered shameful here. And we will start new companies to create our own jobs and jobs for more Americans.”

Now why don't we do this? I've made my fair share of... questionable jokes at the expense of others. But really, we need to be issuing more visas to these people. Immigration has receieved a bad rap as of late with the health care and language issues people coming to our country have had. But what is wrong with raising the targeted visas to skilled workers? We're stuck at issuing 50,000 visas to highly skilled workers every year, with no movement towards raising this. We should be throwing our doors open to these people that want to come to our country, they'll do just what that quote about states.

Ugh, like Adam Carolla, if I ran the world, things would be much different.

Yeah Brah

2009-02-09T18:57:00.002-06:00

Let's all welcome the latest member of the Golden Gophers (test scores pending): Trabis Ward.

A-Hole?

2009-02-09T17:52:00.003-06:00

I just got done watching the Peter Gammons interview in which Alex Rodriguez admits to using steroids during his tenure with the Texas Rangers. My initial thought is that he is genuinely sincere. I've never been too big of a fan of him, but after watching this interview, my opinion of him is higher than before. He apologized, always brought the situation back to himself and didn't try to blame others.

What he did wrong during this whole ordeal is to deny it originally. I think if he would have come out originally when these allegations surfaced and admitted his usage, he would have been viewed more favorably in the court of public opinion. However, I think that by being the first of a large number of baseball stars to actually admit he's taken these drugs, he will get a Timothy Geithner esque free pass. I don't think McGuire, Bonds, Clemens or Palmero deserve to be in the hall, more because they aren't good representatives of baseball than for any lack of on field performance.

Also, Peter Gammons is a good journalist. In a world where bloggers are constantly sniping at TWWL and vice-versa, I think that Gammons stands out. He asked concise questions and was well poised after this staggering admition to start out his interview. I enjoy listening to his analysis on the nightly MLB recaps that he hosts and hope that he stays in public life for a long time to come.

Take that!

2009-02-09T12:27:00.002-06:00

This is what you get for cheering for the Sioux.

Give me an S! Give me a T! Give me a D! What's that spell? What that mean?

PASS IT, PASS IT, PASS IT, PASS IT!

'Sota Special

2009-02-04T10:45:00.003-06:00

Today is national signing day for high school seniors. Here's a few highlights from our class.

Our incoming class is good, but not great. We are lacking that one outstanding talent which would put us over the edge.

We received a signing day switch from Michael Carter, Tyrone Carter's cousin (of All America/Gophers/Steelers fame) who is one of the top rated corners nationally. He's from the Miami area and held offers from each of the Big Three, so I'm pretty fired up about this acquisition. We are looking alarmingly thin at CB into the future (both starters are seniors next year) so a prep corner is just what the doctor ordered. 5'11" 154 though, protein bar anyone?

Hayo Carpenter is a JUCO WR with legit 4.4 speed, top receiever in the JUCO ranks this year and looks to be the much needed deep threat to complement Decker next year. I'm puzzled why he turned down an offer to replace Percy Harvin.

Hasan Lipscomb is a 210 back out of Texas who runs a 4.3. Sick. Boasts offers from most of the Big 12 plus LSU. I'm interested to see if he can break the logjam at our RB depth chart.

My favorite pick up in this class has to be Ra'Shede Hageman. This 6'6" 250 Minneapolis Washburn standout was a rare breed of Minnesota preps to resist the in home offerings of the Sweater Vest, Meyer and Fat Charlie. He is freakishly athletic and built in the exact mold of Matt Spaeth (of Mackey award/Gopher/Steeler fame). I'm excited to see what Brewster can do with him at the TE position.

Finally, following in the proud footsteps of underachievers like Ryan "Physics Ace" Ruckdashel and John "White Lightning" Shevlin, the nancy boy high school I hold a diploma from has produced another mediocre D1 talent. Matt Garin is a classic example of daddies' money in the recruting game, waiting around, shopping film, attending camps nationally all to pick up offers to make your dick look bigger to your girl friend before pulling the trigger to your home town school. He's projected at weak side DE, but at 6'4" 220, he'll need to hit the OCB four times daily to survive one quarter in the Big 10.

Looking ahead to next year, the man of the hour is Sentreal Henderson. This man child has been ordained as the #1 recruit nationally by both major scouting services. Cretin Derim Hall will throw its legs open faster than AEGA's mother to host Smilin' Pete, Fat Charlie and every other coach in D-1 football, all on a quest for his signature. Time for Brother Brewster to man up and show why he deserves a contract extension.

This I believe

2009-01-30T12:30:00.000-06:00

As the Man Palace's official representative in Washington, there are a few issues I believe should be codified into law.

1. Start the baseball season earlier - Don't get me wrong, I like watching hockey and basketball. But the void which begins the night after the superbowl and extends into September is horrible. I was listening to NPR the other day and the dj says this:

"And now for a sport's update...."

"There are no minnesota teams in action tonight"

"this concludes the sports update"

If we could get baseball started around February and finished up around August, it would prevent situations such as this. It would also alleviate the jam in October when I need to decide between watching college football highlights, pro football highlights or the World Series. I get irritated when there is an embarrassment of riches like this.

2. See my previous post on anti-lefty discrimination. I'm outraged.

3. Put adult videos on Netflix. That would be cool.

4. Mandate the usage of two ply in all federal buildings. How can I be expected to work when I'm chafing?

5. Revoke Title 9. I demand less women's crew and more money pouring into my football program. (I'm going to catch it from Mrs. Shakleford for this)

6. Remove the stigma around farting. You can sneeze and that's ok. Why can't I let fly in peace?

Lefties Rock

2009-01-30T10:18:00.004-06:00

As someone who struggles to write without smearing his ink and has faced years of discrimination based on what side I address the golf ball, I feel a certain amount of compassion for my fellow lefties. Sitting in my office taking in the heartpounding action on MSNBC, I noticed that Barack Obama was performing a familiar action. His elbow firmly planted on the table, he was awkwardly jutting his arm foward while curving his wrist back as he scrawled his name onto some meaningless executive orders. I looked a little further and noticed it was his left arm that was controlling the pen. I felt a rush of excitement as I realized I now have a person in whom I can share my hopes, my dreams, and my fears. Yes, our President is left handed.

We have equal opportunity based on sex, race, religion blah blah blah. But there is a crisis in America. Millions of people across this fair land face unspeakable hardship in their day to day life based on which hand they favored as toddlers. It's time for change. As our president, I feel like there are certain actions President Obama should take to better the life of lefties everywhere.

1. Make all desks in public schools uni-hand. The prime directive (lol star trek) of any K-12 student is to blend in with the background. Many of us must have learned the hard way (like when I still wore sweat pants every day in High School) that if you do something that makes you stand out, you will be mocked/teased incesantly. As a lefty with horrible penmanship, I needed to use all of the weapons in my arsenal to bring my writing towards legibility. One of these tricks was to have proper elbow support, which stemmed from the special "lefty" desks which were always placed in the front row of the class. There is nothing worse than on the first day of class having to ask the super hot girl with the tramp stamp and Silver jeans to move so that you can sit in the retard desk.

2. Change which hands we shake with - Who decided that the right hand should be favored in formal introductions? I don't want your spank juice on my mouse clicking hand (although speaking of spank juice, it's nice to be able to navigate the web while keeping up a steady pumping motion). Lets switch things up, I don't like coming to your home territory and your strong side, it leaves me at a disadvantage. I'll extend my left hand, how about you sort that one out?

3. Switch to English style cars - I can barely drive a stick shift. But maybe I'd be better if Detroit weren't so discriminatory. The English have tried for years to make up for the atrocities committed against my people, maybe it's about time for America to pay up too.

4. Stop dehumanizing lefties - The name "southpaw" offends me. No one cares about oppression of left handed people until we need a lefty pitcher against a lefty batter in a late inning situation. The term "southpaw" includes the word "paw", an anatomical piece of mammals other than humans. Today, in the land of the free, how is it that we are still degrading people to the level of dogs based on the way they throw a ball? Take a good look in the mirror America, discrimination is far from dead.

I think there needs to be proper acknowledgement of lefties roles in history. Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, Bill Clinton: all great lefties. I hope that President Obama will take a second to focus on this very pressing issue.

Real Fucking Classy

2009-01-28T00:10:00.004-06:00

48 Days.

48 fucking days without a live Gopher's hockey game.

This Saturday at 6:07 pm (notice the early start, folks) I will finally get to see my first Gophers game live since December 14th, a disappointing loss to CC.

I've been watching this to get pumped up, even though the game Saturday is against Cindy Brady State.

Observations

2009-01-27T11:46:00.003-06:00

So I understand that career fairs help sob-seekers learn about companies they may have otherwise passed up. Even if you didn't manage to take a look at the list of attending companies, one would think you could read the banner on the front of the table. I really wish I had my camera to better explain where I'm coming from but let me try to describe the situation. Picture three white male's in suits lined up to talk to this table. The sign behind the table reads, "The mission of INROADS is to develop and place talented minority youth in business and industry and prepare them for corporate and community leadership." All the representatives standing there happen to be of minority descent. So... huh? "I kan reed gud."

Anyways, has anyone seen my black shoes?

You Look So Beautiful Tonight

2009-01-18T16:40:00.001-06:00

Listen to this as you read this.

Your Man Palace representative is located right now on the left side of the reflecting pool from the Lincoln Memorial.

Man Night '09

2009-01-18T01:17:00.014-06:00

Women like to have their time together where they go get makeovers and talk shit about men. This leaves the mice to play while the catty women are away. That's how the first Man Night occurred back in the spring of '08. While Rusty's significant other and her friends had their own getaway entitled "Pink Panty Pulldowns" (there's some story there, but I don't know what it is...or care), the rest of us decided to have a "Jockstrap Jazzercise." Thankfully, we quickly dropped the name, and instead used it as the team name at trivia night.

The innagural night consisted of watching the Gophers hockey game while playing Edward 40-Hands, then stumbling to the Man Palace to play beer pong and crash the neighbors kegger. Its was a good night.

The second annual Man Night occurred last Saturday as a final hurrah before Rusty ventured to DC for a fancy internship. The night started at the Man Palace where beer pong was played before heading to a FREE Minnesota Swarm game. I've only seen about 10 minutes total of lacrosse in my life, but it seemed interesting. We arrived at the game with a very pleasant buzz going and full bladders from the 40 minute bus ride. (Actually, one of us arrived at the X with an empty bladder because he couldn't hold it anymore and had to exit the bus early to piss in an alley.) As we rushed through the door on a bee-line to the potties, a kindly old greeter met my eye and asked if I needed to buy tickets while pointing to the ticket office. The look in my eyes must have communicated the direness of the situation as I shook my head, as he simply said "Bathrooms?" while pointing to the nearest commode.

The attendance of the Swarm game was listed as 13,000, their highest turnout in their history. Because the Xcel holds more than 18,000, the sight of an empty upper deck was slightly depresssing. However, we did our best to make up for the lack of a fan base by screaming from the first faceoff. I noticed quickly that two Swarm employees were keeping a close eye on us. I'm used to this from being watched like a hawk at Mariucci, but we weren't swearing or interfereing with others viewing pleasure. Five minutes later, one of these employees came and sat by us and asked to have a word. How we were getting yelled at by security five minutes into the game was beyond me, but to all of our surprise, he started handing out tickets to the next home game, located in the suites. Apparenlty we had been named the fans of the game.

Our moment of fame soon came when the 40-year-old dance team came over along with a camera man, our cue to start acting like dumbasses. We waved our tickets and gave the "We're #1" and thumbs up for what seemed like five minutes while we were on the Jumbotron, before the camera turned off and the dance team made an ego-bruisingly fast exit. The Scarlet Avenger also texted in to try and win tickets to the WCHA championship game, which of course he found out he won the next day.

In order to catch an earlier bus to get more drinking in, the Wells Fargo College Fans of the Game left with 10 minutes left. As we went in the elevator, we were talking about our good fortunes, and the elevator operator asked us how we had won tickets. Rusty summed it up best. "We were the drunkest ones here."

At the bus stop, the Avenger discovered a substance which he believed to be gum (even though it was "greasy" and would come off on his fingers) on his jeans. "Maybe one of the cheerleaders spit it on you." "THOSE FUCKING SLUTS!" When we got on the bus, he discovered it was actually mustard, and it didn't come from the cheerleaders.

The rest of the night was slightly less eventful. The usual beer pong, tippy cup, and Tourette's. There was also cigar smoking and pissing in the snow. Overall, it was a good night.

Manly Charts

2009-01-17T12:05:00.001-06:00

I've always been a fan of charts. This is my new favorite.

Echoes of Larry

2009-01-16T20:49:00.001-06:00

As I sat within the confines of a 4x2 stall in the MSP airport, I had some time to think. It dawned on me that on this very spot some 500 days ago, Larry Craig made history. Within this DMZ of Mantopia, Senator Craig violated the borders of another’s sanctum. What could this pope of the poop have been thinking as he shook loose the digits of his left foot, extended them into the neighboring workspace and performed a distinctive Astaire?

-“Man, I’ve got all of this luggage, I’m feeling pretty cramped”

Have you every tried to use the bathroom at an airport? Everyone standing shoulder to shoulder at the urinals with their luggage crammed between their legs, trying desperately to shake without spilling on the samsonite. It’s even worse in the stall. By the time you hang your coat, wheel in your bag and deploy your legs, shit’s getting crazy.

-“What’s with the opera music? It sounds like Block E in here”

-A rarity in bathrooms these days is a good elevator track. You know the one, the smooth bass undertow coupled with a wailing sax, screeching out the melody to a top 40’s hit from 1982. While I’m squatting like a bonobo, nothing can be worse than a loud noise which shakes me from my focus. Pooping is a special time and a loud escapee echoing throughout the can is a devastating disruptor to my daily ritual.

-“uh… why are there they paper things in back of the shitter?”

I must have been raised in a special place, where Hep C didn’t rule the land. We didn’t have the little dispenser discretely located in back of the flush handle which distributed paper seat covers to any and all who required them. These throw me off my game, if I do a rightward oscillation to perform a basic wiping stroke, I don’t want to fall of the seat. During the nirvana following a successful delivery, I don’t want to bust an O-ring by being dumped unceremoniously to the floor. I’ll take my chances with the Hep.

With all these thoughts pulsing through his mind, it’s no wonder his foot got carried away. As a fellow pooper, I think it’s only proper that we gather together and cut this guy some slack. Fuck the police anyways, the guy that busted them ain’t nothing but a turd burglar.

Beating My Meat

2009-01-12T20:03:00.000-06:00

Whatever happened to lotion and a tissue?

Will I Ever Learn?

2009-01-05T19:58:00.009-06:00

There is one area of a man's body that he is born with the ability to instinctively protect. It goes by many names; gonads, nuts, manhood, the family jewels, you get the point. We've all come to grips with the fact that their protection is not always guaranteed and therefore we take extra measures to protect them, read: nutcup.

However, there will always come an occasion when one slips by. It happens to everyone sooner or later. I've taken my share playing soccer as a young lad. In fact, I'm told that it's the reason my fiddlestick curves slightly to the left. Whoever invented the sport didn't think it was necessary to include the cup in the required equipment. By all means, protect your shins but testicles, lets leave that optional. This guy may beg to differ. But I digress.

Anyways, I've played pond hockey for a long time. I've considered wearing a cup but until now I never thought that the games I played were aggressive enough to require said protection. As you may have guessed by now, I was wrong. It all happened very quickly, I'm not even entirely sure what transpired. I was skating around the last defender within sight of our goal/shoe when all of a sudden I was face down on the ice with an excruciating pain emanating from my nether regions. In futile attempt to stop my offenses, that defender's boot had found its why straight into my aforementionables.

The crew gathered round, not really sure what had happened; someone had the nerve to say, "At least you scored. That's 4-0. We're playing to five, ready for one more?"

"No you dumbshit. I wanna see if I still have all my necessary equipment," I thought. Doing a quick check, my hand came out of my shorts free of blood. That's a good sign.

In my agony, I called it a night and waddled on home. Grabbing a bag of vegetables from the freezer I sat down and began to asses the damage. My testicles were still throbbing but they hadn't retracted into my abdomen so I figured I was good. But my trouser snake... the poor guy hung like a pear between my legs. The lower third was swollen to the point of near-erection girth. Forth those of you in need of more description I have provided a schematic as follows. I immediately reapplied the ice pack. Praying for the best I spent the rest of the night relatively immobile.

Twenty hours later I am happy to say that all has returned to normal. It's still a little tender and I have yet to go for a test flight but my spirits are high and I remain optimistic. I will however, be patronizing my local sporting goods store in the near future. As a humanitarian, I suggest you all do the following. Unless you are too manly.

...

2009-01-02T22:39:00.005-06:00

MOTHER FUCK

From the Penthouse to the Cellar

2009-01-02T11:08:00.001-06:00

W-T-Fuck?

I'm really not used to this. This shouldn't be happening.

The season started on such a good note. 6-0-1. The last unbeaten team in the NHL. And only two of those games were with Gaborik in the lineup. But now...18-16-2, basically .500. 3-8-1 in the last 12.

Save for last game against the Sharks, the Wild can't score. Gaborik returned for two games, now he's out again, and may never return to the Wild, without the team even receiving anything for him. Its extremely frustrating.

When did the wheels come off this team? Over at Five Hole Fanatics, they had a pretty concise, but good analysis of the team's woes. While Koivu is fucking amazing, he has very little support. Injuries are hurting what little depth the Wild had to begin the season. Brunette is good, but not doing all that much at the moment. Miettenen started the season off on an up note, but hasn't done shit in months. Cal Clutterbuck (not to be confused with Cutlerfuck) is showing extreme promise. That dude can hit. He's like a Boogard who can actually play hockey. I hate to say it, but it seems as if Lemaire doesn't know how to make the necessary adjustments to turn things around. I'm not saying he should be fired at all, but we need some new strategy here. Being the best defense in the league doesn't do shit if you can't score a goal. The distraction that is Gabby can't help, either.

Back to Gabby. This shit has somehow taken a turn for the worser-er. If he has surgery, I'm probably gonna blow my brains out, or maybe jump from the Bunge Tower. I just want to know why Gaborik hasn't fired his "agent" yet. Good job, bumblefuck. You turned down $8 million a year for your employer, most likely so you could get a bigger piece of the pie. Now you're gonna be in the fucking poor house. No one will pay more than $5 million a year for a guy who can't play more than half of his games because he's got hips rivaling those of a fucking golden lab. I even got a new hockey stick with a Spezza curve because I was so excited to get some talent in Minnesota who doesn't call in sick 38 hours a week.

Also, FUCKING RE-SIGN BACKSTROM ALREADY, YOU CUNTMUSCLES! For fuck's sake! And work on getting Hossa at the end of the season, don't let him go to Vancouver with Demitra.

Maybe I should run this fucking team.Haven't seen this in a while...

We're kinda a big deal

2008-12-27T18:12:00.007-06:00

So three and a half years have come and gone; my time as a student at the great University of Minnesota will soon be coming to an end. With that in mind, I like to believe I've left my mark on the fabric of campus history. I like to believe that my interactions with others around me has made a positive impact. But most of all I want to believe that I was kinda a big deal. Deep down we all want it; we want to know that somewhere someone is thinking, "Do you remember when those guys did that sweet thing at that place?"

This concept came to me in a rare spurt of surfing the interwebs in a non-lube-involved manner and I can assure you that we are a big deal. This site has gained in popularity beyond that which we had considered(meaning more than we three read this thing). We have readership stemming from every continent on earth - save the one with all the penguins. Most but not least, clicking on the I'm feeling lucky button when googling "man palace" leads any curious individual straight here. Clearly, we are the epitome of all that is man.

Again while doing some mindless web wandering, I came across this gem over at PPI Sports products. That would be us, three of the founding fathers of The Man Palace, front and center. It appears our Gopher Sports fandom has made us poster children for the "Inflatable Spirit Finger"- not a bad title to have if I do say I so myself.

Some might call this bragging and I shamefully admit that it is. The thing that interests me the most is how without trying our actions have somewhat unknowingly left that mark that I've been talking about. Our interactions are forever inscribed on the minds of so many people around us and not around us. I'm not sure if this is exciting or bothersome, but probably both. The fact that AEGA has been dubbed Santa by security in Mary's Hoochie or that Rusty went and bitched about student tickets in a private meeting with Joel Mat just makes me feel proud to be amoung such fine men.

Titillating Televsion

2008-12-27T12:25:00.002-06:00

Now that I've graduated I have an enormous amount of time on my hands. Here's a break down of a few shows I've been taking in recently.

Entourage - Billed as a "Sex and the City" for men, this show takes you inside the life of movie star Vincent Chase and his loser friends.

Plot - 7 - Masturbation jokes: Check. Major movie sets: Check. Phil Michelson cameo: Check. At times the plot can get stale with the constant hiccups and awkward season endings, but it still makes me wish I had dreamy blue eyes and zero intelligence.

T&A - 10 - Vince and co. are immersed into world of treasures. Guest appearances ranging from Scarlett Johansson to Jamie Lynn Sigler, be sure to keep the KY close at hand.

Replay Value - 8 - Although cliffhangers are common and a second time through isn't as suspenseful, this frees you up to take in the... uh... artistic genius of the female co-stars.

Overall - 9. Great show, I've watched it through a couple of times. My only complaint as of late are the jarringly short seasons. Johnny Drama and Ari are two of my favorite characters, you'll be hard pressed to not begin calling perfect strangers "cunt muscle".

The Wire - The end all be all of cop shows, this hard hitting drama makes Baltimore a no-fly zone for anyone interested in keeping all of their limbs.

Plot - 7 - Seasons follow an upward sloping pattern, always culminating in a three to four episode flourish of fast paced action. Have patience for the first 10 episodes, you won't be disappointed.

T&A - 3 - Unless you like mid 40's lesbians, your boner will up and run away.

Replay Value - 9 - Character development is fascinating to watch and when you already known what's happening on both sides of the aisle, there aren't too many surprises to be ruined.

Overall - 7 - A very dark show, worth a watch but have some prozak standing by.

Friday Night Lights - A primer on texas high school football, follows the lives of those surrounding the program in a small town.

Plot - 6 - Lots of drama, predictable cliff hangers. The pilot is a rip off from Varsity Blues, but the season plays out an interesting angle. In season two, make sure you have some ear plugs because the women start screeching and it can get pretty painful.

T&A - 8 - Taking a page from the OC, the producers put girls aged 28 into the roles of 17 year olds. They look young, but they're really not. That makes it all ok right?

Replay Value - 5 - Although not many surprises to be ruined upon a second viewing, this stems from the lack of value the first time around.

Overall - 5 - Although the eye candy is a definite plus, I found myself doing things in other tabs and missing the show in an effort to avoid the ear grating dialogue/acting.

Wait wait wait... free.... beer?

2008-12-26T19:09:00.002-06:00

I suggest that our loyal reader base hits this early and often.

C in MMVIII

2008-12-22T22:23:00.003-06:00

If you will kindly look to the right and down, to our Blog Archive, you will see a number next to the year 2008. A THREE DIGIT NUMBER, MOTHAFUCKAHS! The Man Palace has surpassed 100 posts, cuz that's just how awesome we are. I'll admit, when this blog started on April 22, 2008, I was worried that the stream of posts would slowly become a trickle and eventually dry up (and it's nearly happened on occasion, but thankfully it's bounced back). So here's to all the Man Palace contributors...Let's drink. Heavily.

uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh what the hell?

2008-12-21T18:31:00.002-06:00

I don't understand. Did Childress bump his head or something? Was there a noise during coaching school when they taught how to coach?

Seven fumbles. Seven FUCKING FUMBLES! God I don't know why I do it to myself. I stopped watching professional football for a reason. Nevermind that reason was I was often too hung over to stand the bright screen on sundays, it was a reason. And now this. I stumble down the stairs to take in the crystal clear picture provided by my digital converter box, and I am treated to a comedy of errors.

Ugh.

Not That Guy

2008-12-20T12:43:00.003-06:00

Diamond commercials drive me nuts. As I settle down for two weeks of football and gifts my time of bliss is marred by these agregious man code violatoins. First we've got the deaf chick who is professing her new found love after being on the receiving end of the third mortgage on her man's house. What's ASL for "gold digger"? Or there's the chick who likes to shout with her friend about some ass hole named Jared who makes over priced jewlery. Burn in hell cunt muscle. While I ordinarily mute, shout at or ignore the tv while these are on, this commercial caught my eye.

I can safely say that Helzberg Diamond is now the official diamond provider of the The Man Palace.

Heaven is a place on earth

2008-12-15T19:25:00.003-06:00

And that place is in the warm embrace of E.A.

This Is Highly Illegal

2008-12-12T21:59:00.003-06:00

...as far as the rules of the blogosphere go, but I'm posting another picture from nhLOL because its just too perfect considering the current elephant in the room...

It seems Gabby is practicing again, which means that maybe the Wild can finally get some talent for him. Spezza would be nice...

Kudos again to nhLOL

I Just Blue Myself

2008-12-10T01:19:00.003-06:00

The genius minds over at nhLOL have produced comic gold:

Make sure to pay the site a visit. EVERY DAY. Go now.

Go!

Bowling for Tempe

2008-12-08T17:26:00.005-06:00

Last night I raced home from my graduation dinner fully intent on taking in three hours of glorious, glorious college football in the waning moments of the season. I was energized by the fact that my team, the Golden Gophers of Minnesota have surprised the nation and somehow backed into a bowl game after finishing 1-11 last year. As I violently swerved in and out of traffic, my mind was ruminating over which after-Christmas destination those suited money managers had in store for me.

Would it be Orlando and Mickey's Playground? (sounds kind of like a strip club)
Tempe and a flock of old people?
Motor City and a glock nine in my rib cage?

Once again, the football gods seemed to have shined their fickle charm on my boys and selected us for the sunny (and warm) confines of Sun Devil Stadium, also known as Ground Zero for the Grinster's last stand. Now what opportunities does this open for our program?

1. Redemption - No one likes to close the season getting shut out by your hated rival in your own house. Regardless of the side action, the last match of the regular season was a game where no one was a winner. The Minnesota fans were forced to see a complete evisceration of an offense, while the Corn Bird fans were again resigned to return to Iowa. Adding a final game to the season gives us the opportunity to, well, score some points.

2. Impregnate Lindsay Soto - Rusty's BotW for now will be doing the sideline coverage for the game. Pac Man down wit dat.

3. ~~Road Tilt Tempe - pile into the jetta, make some poop jokes and tear up Nebraska like it's... uh... 1850 or something.~~

4. 15 more practices - Following the debacle in Kinnick North, o-line coach Phil Meyer kindly showed himself the door. Brother Brewster immediately filled the miniscule void with Tim Davis, a tenacious recruiter who cut his teeth in minor programs like USC, Alabama and the Miami Dolphins. Davis promises to bring a more smash mouth approach to the running game by putting our blockers in the three point stance and instilling an under-center option. The 15 extra practices given to our team will be invaluable moving forward towards 2009.

5. Continual supervision - When Orson Swindle fires up the Fulmer Cup again, it will invariably include the names of players who stayed home for New Years and found themselves in a spot of trouble. Bringing everyone along for the celebrations ensures we keep everyone out the police blotter, unlike Herky Birds.

There you have it, I'm clearly fired up enough about the bowl to come out of my four month blogging hiatus. Lets dial it up!

Joe Pa

2008-11-19T22:43:00.002-06:00

The best part of the full commercial:

Edit: Now its the full commercial. Previous clip got C&D'ed.

Time to Rename This Blog...

2008-11-19T22:00:00.003-06:00

To the "All About Gabby" blog. It may seem like that's all I think about, and it's probably correct. But its news, and that's what I'm here to "report." Anyways, the Wild might trade Gabby, who by the way is still injured, very soon. Also, from the Strib:

Ottawa and the Rangers are two teams that could make sense for a potential Marian Gaborik trade. Bryan Murray, Ottawa’s GM, loves making blockbusters, and Rangers GM Glen Sather is buddy buddy with Risebrough.

This shit is getting to be worse than a soap opera.

He Lives

2008-11-12T23:49:00.002-06:00

So apparently Marian Gaborik is alive...and he even skated a little!

God Help The Devils...

2008-11-03T00:11:00.003-06:00

If backup goalie Kevin Weekes gets injured. Because then former Gopher phenom Jeff "Brick Wall" Frazee will get his first NHL playing time.

Edit: It's gotten even worse for the Devils...

The Verge of Suicide

2008-11-01T19:46:00.002-05:00

God fucking dammit