Rusty's Guide to Winter Living on the Cheap

The weather change last week was worse than a kick in the dick. We go from mid 40's to mid 10's in 24 hours, which sucks, and to make matters worse, hot camp goes into session. You know hot camp? That mythical lakeside nirvana where all cleavage and tramp stamps go for the winter? I hope to one day lead an expedition there, much like Ponce De Leon did for the fountain of youth. Except this would be less malaria and more titty.

Still I have been reluctant to turn the heat on. I have gotten by on this by taking a few simple steps.

1. Live in an apartment building with a bunch of nancies. I've never lived in an apartment building before. But this place is awesome. Everyone around me has their heat cranked to 80 or something, so all I need to do is lay prone against the wall and it's like a trip to Hawaii. Exactly like that.

2. Drink constantly. Beer coats aren't just for going outside anymore. If you always have a buzz, you will never be cold. It's science. This is a cost effective method if you live in Wisconsin, where 40's of Colt 45 may be had for the must have price of $1.50.

3. Take hot showers constantly. Al Gore gets pissed when apartment buildings include water in your rent. I love it. Feel cold? Take a two hours shower. Now we're talking.

Note: #3 works can substitute other things as well. Don't feel like laundry? Everytime you get sweaty just hop in the shower with your clothes on. Good times. Just took a really messy dump? Don't waist toilet paper, it makes baby seals cry! Instead take a seven hour bath and let your filth wash over you. Get. It. On!

4. Get a handy roommate. At the original Man Palace, we had a roommate who volunteered to shrink wrap everyone's windows. That was pretty cool. Or else use that towel you have for stopping the weed smoke from washing into the corridor to keep the heat in your apartment. Double word score!

5. Fart a lot. When I lie in bed and am cold, I fart and then feel warm. You not only get the warmth, but also the satisfying rumble of your own fluctuation, and the bonus smell for later! Three point play baby!

Jackpot

I found 5 year old weed last week.

My allergies had been hindering my ability to watch football unbothered. I was unsure whether I should keep up the perpetual sniffle, or brave certain misery by dusting the place after which I could find some relief. Obviously, you wouldn't be interested in my choice to do the former.

I got out the Murphy’s Oil Soap, the kind you mix up in a squirt bottle, and started doing battle with the dust bunnies. Finishing up with the living space, I moved on to the dining partition of our humble apartment. I was doing my best to get into every nook and cranny when my rag got caught on one of those pesky nails they use to tack up wood trim.

This was a surprise to me because up until that point, I thought this piece of built-in furniture was solid wood. The façade was confirmed by the presence of three other hidden nails in this small 4 inch square piece of trim.

I tapped. Like a man with his ear to a safe, I listened closely for the hollow sound of a void in the space beyond this cover.

My first thought was, “I bet this would be great place to hide things. Like money… or DRUGS!”

Prying with my fingernails, I managed to work the four nails out of the larger piece. I removed the square. And behind it… DRUGS!

Apparently I was not the first to discover this ingenious hiding place. From the hole, I removed the classic Ziploc bag containing the old stems and seeds from Tom Censored’s 5 year old pot.

And how do I know this marijuana belonged to good ole’ Tom? Inside the baggie, he had wrapped his herbs in an old credit card bill, circa 2004. Genius.

Let’s just hope Tom kicked the habit when he left his stash behind. It may have been a factor in his rather large credit card debt.

Iowa just sucks so hard

My favorite part is when he implores the camera man to look at the ground where he dropped all of the money.

Bravo Sir, Bravo

Today at work, I went to "read the newspaper" and came upon a sight that literally made me stop in my tracks in awe. Someone had left a skid mark in the toilet, more than 2/3 of the way up the bowl. I've attempted to digitally reenact what I saw, but his picture hardly does the real thing justice.

Ignore the cell phone in the bowl...

Mind you, this was done in a public toilet (a larger and wider bowl), and was well above the waterline, which indicates how great a feat this was.

Also, when searching for images of "toilet bowl," I came across a set of pictures of what can happen to you if you stand on a toilet bowl and it breaks. WARNING: These are extremely disgusting pictures of a huge, gaping wound. NSFW, CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

I Don't Want to Hear It

Its been a while. I know. I've been busy. We've ALL been busy. Rusty's learning how to sue you, Art is designing new products to save your life, and I'm taking tests and shit. Anyways, lets pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to how things used to be, ok?

During the Cal game earlier in the year (much earlier), Decker made an amazing catch. Routine Decker, but amazing to everyone else. He took a shot, and some egghead at the U analyzed the physics of the hit. Its amazing.



10 FUCKING G'S! That's crazy. That's like having Rusty's mom sit on your chest. Astronauts don't even face 4 G's during launch of the space shuttle.

What. A. Stud.

Too bad his foot is made of glass.