The weather change last week was worse than a kick in the dick. We go from mid 40's to mid 10's in 24 hours, which sucks, and to make matters worse, hot camp goes into session. You know hot camp? That mythical lakeside nirvana where all cleavage and tramp stamps go for the winter? I hope to one day lead an expedition there, much like Ponce De Leon did for the fountain of youth. Except this would be less malaria and more titty.
Still I have been reluctant to turn the heat on. I have gotten by on this by taking a few simple steps.
1. Live in an apartment building with a bunch of nancies. I've never lived in an apartment building before. But this place is awesome. Everyone around me has their heat cranked to 80 or something, so all I need to do is lay prone against the wall and it's like a trip to Hawaii. Exactly like that.
2. Drink constantly. Beer coats aren't just for going outside anymore. If you always have a buzz, you will never be cold. It's science. This is a cost effective method if you live in Wisconsin, where 40's of Colt 45 may be had for the must have price of $1.50.
3. Take hot showers constantly. Al Gore gets pissed when apartment buildings include water in your rent. I love it. Feel cold? Take a two hours shower. Now we're talking.
Note: #3 works can substitute other things as well. Don't feel like laundry? Everytime you get sweaty just hop in the shower with your clothes on. Good times. Just took a really messy dump? Don't waist toilet paper, it makes baby seals cry! Instead take a seven hour bath and let your filth wash over you. Get. It. On!
4. Get a handy roommate. At the original Man Palace, we had a roommate who volunteered to shrink wrap everyone's windows. That was pretty cool. Or else use that towel you have for stopping the weed smoke from washing into the corridor to keep the heat in your apartment. Double word score!
5. Fart a lot. When I lie in bed and am cold, I fart and then feel warm. You not only get the warmth, but also the satisfying rumble of your own fluctuation, and the bonus smell for later! Three point play baby!
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