Better Late Than Never

Apparently, I was supposed to preview the NHL playoffs. But I didn't. What are you going to do about it? I RUN THIS FUCKING PLACE! WITHOUT ME, YOU'D HAVE NOTHING!

Anyway...

Round 2 of the NHL playoffs starts tonight. The first round saw an upset as the winningest team of the season lost to the Anaheim Ducks. How embarrassing. Also, Detroit destroyed playoff-virgin Blue Jackets, Chico sneaked by Calgary (thank God), Carolina scored twice in the final 1:20 of game 7 to eliminate New Jersey, Montreal's centennial ended thanks to the Bruins, and Couver wiped out the Cinderella team of St. Louis. Lastly, the Caps came from behind on the Rangers (tee hee) and Crying Crosby led the Pens past the Broadstreet Bullies.

Which caused Gary Bettman to jizz in his pants.
The Washington/Pittsburgh series is the Commish's wet dream. The sports two biggest stars in an evenly matched Round 2 playoff series. And it should be a good one. Even though the Caps barely beat the Rangers, they've won three in a row. Hopefully they can keep that streak up. The Pens are also hot though (but really, who isn't in the playoffs?) My completely biased, not at all backed up prediction: The American Capital in 7. If you want Pittsburgh to win, you hate the US of A.

I don't know what to do for the Anaheim/Detroit series. Both teams suck. Well, they don't suck. But I hate them. With my whole body. But which team do I hate the least? That's hard to say. I really don't want Detroit to win the Cup just because Hossa turned down the Wild's very lucrative offer to go play with a "winner." Not that Detroit isn't a winner, they're just not the Wild. On the other hand, I hate the Ducks, especially after the 2007 playoff series, which consisted of cheap shot after cheap shot. And if you're calling me a giant homer right now...have you ever read this blog before? Anyway, to the pick: the Flying Wheels in 6.

Carolina versus Boston? Boston in 5. Lina came into the playoffs a six-seed. Boston had the second best record in the league at the end of the season. Also, I don't know a whole lot about either team, so I'm basing my pick on this totally awesome Bruins commercial:

And Zdeno Chara haunts my dreams.

Lastly, the Blackhawks are taking on the Canucks. Luongo is on fire right now, which could spell trouble for the Hawks. However, Chicago still has a hell of a lot of talent, albeit young talent. I see them overcoming and finding a way past the Vancouver goalie and into the Western finals. (Even though they're currently getting spanked in Game 1. Hawks lost Game 1, but not before coming back to tie it.) Hawks in 7.

As for a Stanley Cup winner? I see Boston taking out Washington and Detroit beating Chicago. I'm going to take the Eastern conference champion to win it all in 7 games. But once again, all these picks are clouded by feelings and biases as big as Rusty's mom's ass (NSFW?). Take it with a grain of salt.

Closing note: When I searched Google for "Zdeno Chara scary," this came up:
Awesome.

The Cheddar Pope Returns!

Oh Favre, you tease! Our favorite #4 QB has just been granted his release by the Jets. Now Minnesotans are flying to his shit hole of a town.

You dog! Just let it happen.

This is dumb

I don't understand why people keep coming up with new toilet ideas. Is there something wrong with a few moments of solitude, relaxed and releasing from a comfortable position?

Pasadena Bound!

The Gopher's have kicked off their 2009 football season 0-0-1 after grinding to a 17-17 tie in their Spring Game. The game, held at the University of St Thomas' O'Shaughnessy Stadium this previous Saturday presented fans with a first look at the new pro-style offense led by Jed Fisch, and the dazzling talent of Troy Stoudermire, Marquis Gray and co.

Overall, the newcomers like those listed above stole the show from the returning 18 starters on offense and defense. Kevin Whaley impressed at running back, showing a possible flash of lightning to complement the incoming thunder of Hasan Lipscomb. With wideouts Eric Decker (baseball), Ben Kuznia (owie) and incoming Hayo Carpenter all absent from the practice, sophomores Troy Stoudemire and Broderick Smith had a time to shine. Stoudemire continued his development as a home run threat at every touch, racking up over 270 all purpose yards between his two touchdowns returning kicks, lining up in the slot and executing end-arounds.

The crowd favorite on offense however, came in the form of QB phenom Marquis Gray. Gopher fans have waited two years to see him under center, and he did not dissapoint. Despite playing touch football on the qb's, Gray showed his Terelle Pryor like ability to escape defenders in the pocket, as well as a very unexpected (but very welcome) touch in the passing game. Demonstrative of this ability was him laying it in to a streaking Broderick Smith, catching him perfectly in stride en route to a 60 yard touchdown. This observer wouldn't be surprised to see Gray push returning starter Adam Weber for playing time this fall.

Speaking of Weber, he didn't show much in this spring game. Hampered by off-season surgery on his non-throwing shoulder, Weber dispalyed an alarming lack of arm strength and touch on most of his throws over 10 yards, including underthrowing an open Marquis Gray on a trick play in the third quarter. He failed in looking off wide receivers, and even redshirt freshman Tim Dandridge came a blink of the eye away from a pick six in the first series. Although Weber still has a summer to learn the playbook and rebuild arm strength, that his struggles came against the second team defense while his backup Gray shined against the number one squad should help to spur him onward in his offseason preperations.

On the defensive side of the ball, newcomers were again the story. While returning end Cedric McKinley continued his development as the line's top replacement for Willie VanDeSteeg, redshirt freshmen Keanon Cooper as well as speedy Becky transfer Kim Royston showed a pop in their hits which had the crowd buzzing. Cooper is a new hybrid linebacker that Brewster is in love with, runs a 4.45 and can hit like a ton of bricks. It will be fun to see him in blitz packages this fall and also cycling out into coverage.

The player of the game award from me goes to someone on special teams. Eric Ellestad, the incoming replacement for Joel Monroe, showed flashes of consistency in an area of the Gopher's squad which has been overlooked for far too long. Hitting all four of his extra points and two field goals, Ellestad could be the answer at kicker. Did you catch that? He hit all four of his extra points.

The dogs of the game continue to be the o-line. This team will rise and fall with this squad of under-achievers. If these five guys get it together and become just adequate, I see a mid-tier bowl game for this team. However, if performance continues like last year, getting to .500 could be a struggle, and Coach Brewster could find himself on the hotseat.

All together, this spring was a time of optimism for the Gophers. Despite the absence of their best player, the offense showed flashes of brilliances, as well as a steady improvement in implementing the new pro-style offense of Jed Fisch. The defense will continue to be merely adequate, but could face some depth challenges in the secondary if injuries become an issue.

Mike Tyson Approves of this Action

Mike Tyson isn't exactly a lover of the women (only men fuck, women "make love"), but I'm sure even he would be conflicted over this event. Apparently a woman in Minneapolis was hungry, and decided to snack on her ex (presumably) boyfriend's ear.

Minneapolis police officers responding to an assault call found a man sitting in a chair, his left eye swollen and blood running down the left side of his face and neck.

"Officers also observed that [the victim] was missing the entire portion of his left ear," the complaint said.

Ouch.

Werein Lefty calls Faldo a Pussy

I love Phil Mickelson. I'm a proud lefty who is naturally drawn to those like me. Also, I am also a Minnesota sports fan, so I'm naturally drawn to those who notoriously collapse in the most decisive events. Phil fulfills both of these requirements.

That's why I was so bemused by a recent relay Phil and former Master's champ Nick Faldo had at the Champions Dinner. An excerpt:

Phil (loud enough for everyone to hear): "Gee Nick, I didn't realise that you are such a big guy. How come you used to hit it so short?"

Faldo: "Listen Phil, when you shoot 19 under par to win the Open at St Andrews you can start giving me a hard time."

Phil: "I understand that. But how come you hit it like such a pussy?"

Faldo: "I played golf the proper way."

Phil: "Yeah, like my wife."

lol. I bet AEGA plays golf the "proper way" too. Pussy.

Happy Fuck the Earth Day

Once In A Lifetime

Wow. It appears as though the College Humor Hottest College Girl contest actually ended in a perfect tie. And this is the championship. That is, of course, if the website isn't broken and displaying some erroneous result, which is always a possibility. If its real though, what are the odds? I'm a little shocked. It turns out ever vote does in fact count. I didn't actually vote in this poll. I COULD HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CHANGED THE OUTCOME!I had to double check to make sure there was no porn showing in this screenshot...

John Madden's Retirement Press Conference

Sometimes I hate the New York Times

There are a lot of things that I like about the Times. Their wide breadth of international affairs reporting, their in-depth look at facets of life often under-covered, and their website which makes our local rags look like something managed by AEGA.

But sometimes they suck. Those times are when they have artsy movie reviews of shitty comedy movies, and try to analyze the social aspects of porn when I just want to say enough.

Porn is awesome. I'm on record with that. But we don't need it to be socially acceptable. I talk about porn all the time (much to chagrine of Ms. Shakleford and others who are "socially able"). I enjoyed the public screening of Pirates II. But if it's socially acceptable, then things get awkward. Then I walk down the street and see Madeline Albright wacking off, and I lose my lunch. I think about porn in the New York Times as something like when the Discovery Channel used to show african lady boobies. That was pretty gross, and in no way arousing.

So New York Times, let's stay away from porn ok? I need my private spank bank time, and it sure as hell isn't going to come while I step out for a "smoke".

Rusty Sucks at Linking

Just realized Rusty didn't link to our Twitter page, which is obviously the only reason we only have 2 followers, one of whom is me. So go HERE and follow us!

And bathrooms everywhere sigh with relief

The Iowa legislature, in a brilliant show of statesmanship have decided to restrict the travel of all state employees. I guess this means no more bathroom hanky panky will be happening this fall.

A Beautiful Day

Doug Risebrough has been fired as the Wild's GM. I haven't been this happy since Mason was fired.

It appears that Wild owner Craig Leipold actually wants to see this team win. And with Lemaire out, why not make it a completely clean slate?

Risebrough has had an absolutely terrible track record when it comes to the NHL Draft. Benoit Pouliot, taken in 2005, was famously sent down to the minors back in January. He was drafted before Marc Staal, TJ Oshie, and Devin Setoguchi. AJ Thelen, taken in '04, was also a complete bust.

Another thing - although at points I believed Lemaire's style wasn't working in Minnesota, it was really Risebrough who was smothering Lemaire. Poor draft picks, nonexistant trades, and a complete aversion to change handcuffed Lemaire. You can only do so much when you aren't given any scorers to play with. The fact that every single talented player on your team is "untouchable" when it comes to trades tells you that something isn't quite right. You can't trade the mediocre players for anything valuable. Also relying on the "young talent" on this team was ridiculous. Players like Colton Gilles and even James Sheppard could have used another year in Houston to hone their skills. Maybe then, Sheppard and Lemaire would've acutally gotten along. I was sad to see Lemaire go in the end, but now I'm even sadder, since I would've liked to see how Lemaire's style worked with some talent.

Hopefully getting a new GM in, who also gets to choose the new head coach will produce a gelled front office, with two people who are on the same page and can really rebuild this team to be less of a "boring team," as is the main complaint about the Wild from the rest of the country. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed, though...

A quick word about Lemaire leaving: something that bothered me about his departure was that it appears it was brought about because of lack of respect from the players. For some reason, this really got to me. I guess its because I see the Wild players as somewhat representative of Minnesota in a weird way. So when they have such giant rifts with their coach, or swear at him in front of the other players, it bugs me. From Russo:

Players have been getting frustrated with Lemaire. They’ve been talking back to him. There was an incident during practice Thursday when one player cursed at him. There’s been a big rift between he and James Sheppard, one Doug Risebrough had to get involved with. Players have been furious with the few days off.

Apparently the player who swore at Lemaire was Owen Nolan, which caught me by surprise, especially since he seems like such mature, team player.

Hey! There was already a "Fire Risebrough" tag on the blog. Shhhhhhhhoocking.

Our God Has Spoken

adamcarolla: Hello? I don't know how this thing works. I don't think I'm twittering. Is this working at all? This is bullshit. Fuck this.

about 15 hours ago from Tweetie

This would be a good time to announce that the Man Palace is on twitter. Since we are all in the same boat as Adam, don't expect much action.

Counterstrike 3.0

Yeah, our country totally kicks ass. After this year of defeats, I'm tired of my school, my conferences, and my country being kicked around by those that oppose them. While taking three headshots on the terrorists is slightly different than my proposed idea to let a couple minutemen off the chains, I'm still pleased with the result.

This still leaves the door open for my idea to turn Somalia into a fucking parking lot.

China Sux

The more I read about China's giant sausage fest, the more it sounds like a frat house, without the comatose 18 year-old balancing on your balls.

You've got the mal-adjusted leader who feels uncomfortable around guys from outside his group (see right). You have other people criticizing you for human rights abuses that happen in your house. Your history is shrouded in mystery, and passed along in Little Red Books. You often need to be on the list to get in. And finally, you have an afinity for really young girls.

Yeah, sounds like China has some growing up to do. See you at the pasta feed?

Lightsabers and Boobs (Probably NSFW)

Growing up, every young man sees Star Wars and wonders what it would be like to get it on with the hot futuristic chicks. George Lucas's casting did nothing to subside these issues. This fantasy has even managed to migrate from the minds of nerds to the small, 14.1" LCD screen. Now I have to say that I stole this from Gizmodo, but I'm glad that this tradition refuses to die.



I gotta say, I was happy to see AXE make a decent commercial for once, until I realized it was a fake brand. Power to the prepubescent male.

Fuck Chicago

So apparently Ely, MN has just thrown its hat in the ring to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. And I am totally on board.

The news dropped on April Fool's, but buddhafisch over at Wild Times claims they actually sent in the application. I'm just way too lazy to look up whether or not its true. And that doesn't really matter.

There a website, Facebook group, and online petition. The best part of this whole thing is the press conference that was held (you can watch in HD!):





Man, I want one of those T-shirts.

No Fun League needs to man up

I was poking around the Big Lead, and they were excited about this article, which argues that the NHL is more physical than the NFL. As a hockey player all of my life, I'm inclined to disagree with the Big Lead's argument:

When you’ve got 300-pound lineman colliding on every play, and freakish defensive athletes acting like missiles toward unsuspecting QBs or WRs, it’s not even close. There’s probably a reason you see hockey players in their 40s; meanwhile, outside of a couple positions, NFL players bodies begin to break down much earlier.

A couple responses. First, hockey players are on skates. When he's not suffering from groin explosions, Mario Gaborik has been known to complete a lap of a NHL sized rink in 13.713 seconds. This figures out to around 27 MPH. On the other hand, Michael Bennett, of Vikings and Steelers fame was clocked at the conbine running 4.13 40. This figures out to around 19.5 MPH.

Now, I was in retard physics in high school, but the difference in impact momentum between a player moving at 27 mph and one at 19.5 mph is significantly higher. Add in the 27mph to zero instant deceleration when you meet the boards, and you can see the dramatically higher impact hockey players suffer from, compared with NFLers.

The 300 pound linemen collide with very little forward momentum, they're lined up across a ball from each other. Instead you've got guys who are nearly the same size moving at much higher rates of speed, with the sole intention of smashing into another guy.

Yeah there are some guys in their 40's playing hockey, but have you met Gary Anderson or Martin Gramatica? Keep in mind, most of the guys in their 40's are nancies, and not representative of NHLers as a whole.

In conclusion, take of your skirts you football playing nancies, hockey is, and always has been, the true manly sport.