Will I Ever Learn?

There is one area of a man's body that he is born with the ability to instinctively protect. It goes by many names; gonads, nuts, manhood, the family jewels, you get the point. We've all come to grips with the fact that their protection is not always guaranteed and therefore we take extra measures to protect them, read: nutcup.

However, there will always come an occasion when one slips by. It happens to everyone sooner or later. I've taken my share playing soccer as a young lad. In fact, I'm told that it's the reason my fiddlestick curves slightly to the left. Whoever invented the sport didn't think it was necessary to include the cup in the required equipment. By all means, protect your shins but testicles, lets leave that optional. This guy may beg to differ. But I digress.

Anyways, I've played pond hockey for a long time. I've considered wearing a cup but until now I never thought that the games I played were aggressive enough to require said protection. As you may have guessed by now, I was wrong. It all happened very quickly, I'm not even entirely sure what transpired. I was skating around the last defender within sight of our goal/shoe when all of a sudden I was face down on the ice with an excruciating pain emanating from my nether regions. In futile attempt to stop my offenses, that defender's boot had found its why straight into my aforementionables.

The crew gathered round, not really sure what had happened; someone had the nerve to say, "At least you scored. That's 4-0. We're playing to five, ready for one more?"

"No you dumbshit. I wanna see if I still have all my necessary equipment," I thought. Doing a quick check, my hand came out of my shorts free of blood. That's a good sign.

In my agony, I called it a night and waddled on home. Grabbing a bag of vegetables from the freezer I sat down and began to asses the damage. My testicles were still throbbing but they hadn't retracted into my abdomen so I figured I was good. But my trouser snake... the poor guy hung like a pear between my legs. The lower third was swollen to the point of near-erection girth. Forth those of you in need of more description I have provided a schematic as follows. I immediately reapplied the ice pack. Praying for the best I spent the rest of the night relatively immobile.



Twenty hours later I am happy to say that all has returned to normal. It's still a little tender and I have yet to go for a test flight but my spirits are high and I remain optimistic. I will however, be patronizing my local sporting goods store in the near future. As a humanitarian, I suggest you all do the following. Unless you are too manly.