Lefties Rock

As someone who struggles to write without smearing his ink and has faced years of discrimination based on what side I address the golf ball, I feel a certain amount of compassion for my fellow lefties. Sitting in my office taking in the heartpounding action on MSNBC, I noticed that Barack Obama was performing a familiar action. His elbow firmly planted on the table, he was awkwardly jutting his arm foward while curving his wrist back as he scrawled his name onto some meaningless executive orders. I looked a little further and noticed it was his left arm that was controlling the pen. I felt a rush of excitement as I realized I now have a person in whom I can share my hopes, my dreams, and my fears. Yes, our President is left handed.

We have equal opportunity based on sex, race, religion blah blah blah. But there is a crisis in America. Millions of people across this fair land face unspeakable hardship in their day to day life based on which hand they favored as toddlers. It's time for change. As our president, I feel like there are certain actions President Obama should take to better the life of lefties everywhere.

1. Make all desks in public schools uni-hand. The prime directive (lol star trek) of any K-12 student is to blend in with the background. Many of us must have learned the hard way (like when I still wore sweat pants every day in High School) that if you do something that makes you stand out, you will be mocked/teased incesantly. As a lefty with horrible penmanship, I needed to use all of the weapons in my arsenal to bring my writing towards legibility. One of these tricks was to have proper elbow support, which stemmed from the special "lefty" desks which were always placed in the front row of the class. There is nothing worse than on the first day of class having to ask the super hot girl with the tramp stamp and Silver jeans to move so that you can sit in the retard desk.

2. Change which hands we shake with - Who decided that the right hand should be favored in formal introductions? I don't want your spank juice on my mouse clicking hand (although speaking of spank juice, it's nice to be able to navigate the web while keeping up a steady pumping motion). Lets switch things up, I don't like coming to your home territory and your strong side, it leaves me at a disadvantage. I'll extend my left hand, how about you sort that one out?

3. Switch to English style cars - I can barely drive a stick shift. But maybe I'd be better if Detroit weren't so discriminatory. The English have tried for years to make up for the atrocities committed against my people, maybe it's about time for America to pay up too.

4. Stop dehumanizing lefties - The name "southpaw" offends me. No one cares about oppression of left handed people until we need a lefty pitcher against a lefty batter in a late inning situation. The term "southpaw" includes the word "paw", an anatomical piece of mammals other than humans. Today, in the land of the free, how is it that we are still degrading people to the level of dogs based on the way they throw a ball? Take a good look in the mirror America, discrimination is far from dead.

I think there needs to be proper acknowledgement of lefties roles in history. Joan of Arc, Alexander the Great, Bill Clinton: all great lefties. I hope that President Obama will take a second to focus on this very pressing issue.