As I sat within the confines of a 4x2 stall in the MSP airport, I had some time to think. It dawned on me that on this very spot some 500 days ago, Larry Craig made history. Within this DMZ of Mantopia, Senator Craig violated the borders of another’s sanctum. What could this pope of the poop have been thinking as he shook loose the digits of his left foot, extended them into the neighboring workspace and performed a distinctive Astaire?
-“Man, I’ve got all of this luggage, I’m feeling pretty cramped”
Have you every tried to use the bathroom at an airport? Everyone standing shoulder to shoulder at the urinals with their luggage crammed between their legs, trying desperately to shake without spilling on the samsonite. It’s even worse in the stall. By the time you hang your coat, wheel in your bag and deploy your legs, shit’s getting crazy.
-“What’s with the opera music? It sounds like Block E in here”
-A rarity in bathrooms these days is a good elevator track. You know the one, the smooth bass undertow coupled with a wailing sax, screeching out the melody to a top 40’s hit from 1982. While I’m squatting like a bonobo, nothing can be worse than a loud noise which shakes me from my focus. Pooping is a special time and a loud escapee echoing throughout the can is a devastating disruptor to my daily ritual.
-“uh… why are there they paper things in back of the shitter?”
I must have been raised in a special place, where Hep C didn’t rule the land. We didn’t have the little dispenser discretely located in back of the flush handle which distributed paper seat covers to any and all who required them. These throw me off my game, if I do a rightward oscillation to perform a basic wiping stroke, I don’t want to fall of the seat. During the nirvana following a successful delivery, I don’t want to bust an O-ring by being dumped unceremoniously to the floor. I’ll take my chances with the Hep.
With all these thoughts pulsing through his mind, it’s no wonder his foot got carried away. As a fellow pooper, I think it’s only proper that we gather together and cut this guy some slack. Fuck the police anyways, the guy that busted them ain’t nothing but a turd burglar.
1 comment:
Agreed. I too recently dropped a deuce at MSP and found the facilities to be cramped. Thought of Larry darted through my mind during my session. It made trying to focus on the sports section difficult.
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