Rusty's Guide to Winter Living on the Cheap

The weather change last week was worse than a kick in the dick. We go from mid 40's to mid 10's in 24 hours, which sucks, and to make matters worse, hot camp goes into session. You know hot camp? That mythical lakeside nirvana where all cleavage and tramp stamps go for the winter? I hope to one day lead an expedition there, much like Ponce De Leon did for the fountain of youth. Except this would be less malaria and more titty.

Still I have been reluctant to turn the heat on. I have gotten by on this by taking a few simple steps.

1. Live in an apartment building with a bunch of nancies. I've never lived in an apartment building before. But this place is awesome. Everyone around me has their heat cranked to 80 or something, so all I need to do is lay prone against the wall and it's like a trip to Hawaii. Exactly like that.

2. Drink constantly. Beer coats aren't just for going outside anymore. If you always have a buzz, you will never be cold. It's science. This is a cost effective method if you live in Wisconsin, where 40's of Colt 45 may be had for the must have price of $1.50.

3. Take hot showers constantly. Al Gore gets pissed when apartment buildings include water in your rent. I love it. Feel cold? Take a two hours shower. Now we're talking.

Note: #3 works can substitute other things as well. Don't feel like laundry? Everytime you get sweaty just hop in the shower with your clothes on. Good times. Just took a really messy dump? Don't waist toilet paper, it makes baby seals cry! Instead take a seven hour bath and let your filth wash over you. Get. It. On!

4. Get a handy roommate. At the original Man Palace, we had a roommate who volunteered to shrink wrap everyone's windows. That was pretty cool. Or else use that towel you have for stopping the weed smoke from washing into the corridor to keep the heat in your apartment. Double word score!

5. Fart a lot. When I lie in bed and am cold, I fart and then feel warm. You not only get the warmth, but also the satisfying rumble of your own fluctuation, and the bonus smell for later! Three point play baby!

Jackpot

I found 5 year old weed last week.

My allergies had been hindering my ability to watch football unbothered. I was unsure whether I should keep up the perpetual sniffle, or brave certain misery by dusting the place after which I could find some relief. Obviously, you wouldn't be interested in my choice to do the former.

I got out the Murphy’s Oil Soap, the kind you mix up in a squirt bottle, and started doing battle with the dust bunnies. Finishing up with the living space, I moved on to the dining partition of our humble apartment. I was doing my best to get into every nook and cranny when my rag got caught on one of those pesky nails they use to tack up wood trim.

This was a surprise to me because up until that point, I thought this piece of built-in furniture was solid wood. The façade was confirmed by the presence of three other hidden nails in this small 4 inch square piece of trim.

I tapped. Like a man with his ear to a safe, I listened closely for the hollow sound of a void in the space beyond this cover.

My first thought was, “I bet this would be great place to hide things. Like money… or DRUGS!”

Prying with my fingernails, I managed to work the four nails out of the larger piece. I removed the square. And behind it… DRUGS!

Apparently I was not the first to discover this ingenious hiding place. From the hole, I removed the classic Ziploc bag containing the old stems and seeds from Tom Censored’s 5 year old pot.

And how do I know this marijuana belonged to good ole’ Tom? Inside the baggie, he had wrapped his herbs in an old credit card bill, circa 2004. Genius.

Let’s just hope Tom kicked the habit when he left his stash behind. It may have been a factor in his rather large credit card debt.

Iowa just sucks so hard

My favorite part is when he implores the camera man to look at the ground where he dropped all of the money.

Bravo Sir, Bravo

Today at work, I went to "read the newspaper" and came upon a sight that literally made me stop in my tracks in awe. Someone had left a skid mark in the toilet, more than 2/3 of the way up the bowl. I've attempted to digitally reenact what I saw, but his picture hardly does the real thing justice.

Ignore the cell phone in the bowl...

Mind you, this was done in a public toilet (a larger and wider bowl), and was well above the waterline, which indicates how great a feat this was.

Also, when searching for images of "toilet bowl," I came across a set of pictures of what can happen to you if you stand on a toilet bowl and it breaks. WARNING: These are extremely disgusting pictures of a huge, gaping wound. NSFW, CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

I Don't Want to Hear It

Its been a while. I know. I've been busy. We've ALL been busy. Rusty's learning how to sue you, Art is designing new products to save your life, and I'm taking tests and shit. Anyways, lets pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to how things used to be, ok?

During the Cal game earlier in the year (much earlier), Decker made an amazing catch. Routine Decker, but amazing to everyone else. He took a shot, and some egghead at the U analyzed the physics of the hit. Its amazing.



10 FUCKING G'S! That's crazy. That's like having Rusty's mom sit on your chest. Astronauts don't even face 4 G's during launch of the space shuttle.

What. A. Stud.

Too bad his foot is made of glass.

Time to Start a [Facepalm] Tag

The fuck? I want to meet the newly-hired designer who snuck this one by the elderly higher-ups and give him a high-five.

Seriously though, why?

Also, I've added a widget to the right column listing shared items from the tubes. It'll update automatically and often, check it there or here.

Blue ICEE => Green Fudgies

I went to the local cinema last night, to see the latest Harry Potter flick. Having not been in a theater for quite some time, I noticed that they still had those big, red, sometimes blue, tall frozen bevarges called ICEEs. I can't recall having one of them since I was walking the halls of Jr. High School. Unfortunately, my choice to purchase a large Blue Raspberry ICEE proved to me what I've avoided to acknowledge for a while now- my digestive system is not what it used to be.


Upon finding my seat, I deduced that the temperature in a sold out show would be slightly higher than the regular freezerbox. I came to the conclusion that I needed to drink this large slurpy as fast as I could to avoid ending up with a big cup of blue sugar water. By the time the last trailer went dark, I realized that I had made a huge mistake.

As Dumbledore and Harry set out accross the Black Lagoon of submerged Inferi, I was only too little comforted by the fact that the gurgles and gloshes eminating from my lower intestines were drowned amoung the screams from the agonized old man. I legitimately knew exactly what Albus must have been going through while shoving that dubious potion down his throat.

Not wanting to unleash unwarranted brutality on my fellow movie goers, I passed the public lavatories and quickly made my exit with my party. I successfully sat out the car ride home and upon my safe delivery, proceeded to destroy what was once place of peace and thoughtfulness.

Twelve hours have passed and I'm still shitting green. Alas, farewell invincible stomach of my childhood; hello food hangovers of the future.

We're Still Here...

Don't worry folks. We haven't abandoned you. At least not permanently. The updates will start picking back up here. Anyways...

Watching the highlights of Gardy and Redmond getting ejected from the Twins 3-1 loss last night reminded me why I love the guy so much.

The managers are almost akin to enforcers in hockey. A manager coming out to argue a play and getting ejected can swing momentum similar to a well-timed fight in a hockey game. While yesterday's ejection didn't really do much to help the Twins pull out a win, the incident brought back memories of my favorite Gardy moment. Last season against the White Sox at the Humpty Dump, Gardy got ejected arguing a call at third, and on his way off the field, drop-kicked his hat over his head. The crowd roared, throwing hats on the field. While throwing things on the field is always risky, it got the fans back in the game and sparked the Twins for a come-from-behind win.

Coming back to the ejections last night, its apparent umpire Todd Tichenor was a little overzealous. I can understand that he doesn't want the managers and players to think they can walk all over him because he's new to the league, but ejecting Redmond that quickly when Redmond didn't even do much to deserve it was just ridiculous. He didn't swear and never made contact with Tichenor. Throwing his glove on the ground was agressive, but sure didn't seem ejection-worthy. And since Mauer was DHing, Redmond was trying to not be ejected, as it ended up costing the Twins their DH.

However, Zambrano's hissy fit yesterday makes even Gardy's look tame. Poor Gatorade machine...

Stupid non-embedable MLB video...

This Pisses Me Off

There has been a lot of discussion recently about the declining newspaper industry. Without getting into the reasons behind it too much, we'll just assume it's because their websites suck and move on with it.

Here's exhibit A:



That's a screen grab from the Red Star's sport's page following the spring game. First let's look at the picture. See the FieldTurf? Does that look like the real turf field O'Shaughnessy field has? What about the background, looks like it's indoors right? The field turf and indoor apsects seem to remind of a stadium our team recently inhabited. Interesting, because the Gophers played their spring game at St. Thomas this year, outdoors.

Now let's focus on the caption. Ok, there's tailback Ralph Spry taking a carry. Ordinary enough right? Well, let's consider first that Ralph Spry plays wideout, not tailback. Hmph. Further, it seems that Ralph Spry was actually kicked off the team last year, and has been living in Alabama, retired from football since. Well Star Tribune, you certainly have an interesting take on how the Spring Game this year went down.

Gophers are Stoopid

The NCAA recently announced the Gopher Football program would be one of two to be penalized three scholarships this year for lack of academic progress over a four year period. Being in the company of Ole Miss in academics is never a good place to be, but I have great hope this will be a short-lived association.

I blame two things for the low APR scores. First, the Grinster. Second, the first class Brewster brought in.

Mason recruited a bunch of idiots. The nature of the recruiting game today means your school falls into one of three areas:

1. "Helmet School". Only about 15 or 20 schools fall into this category. These are the perennial powers like Texas, Ohio State, Tennessee etc. who can recruit on name only. When a coach from one of these institutions steps foot in a high school, all other offers generally take a back seat (unless the athlete has a particular affinity for their home state, has built a relationship with a "UBER RECRUITER" or holds an offer from another helmet school).

2. "Uber Recruiter". This select band of coaches with last names like Zook, Ogeron, Dantonio and Brewster can hold their own on a national level through pure work ethic. These guys know how to talk to high school prima-donnas, and more importantly, can convince them that either their school is up and coming, or that they can be guaranteed early playing time. These ace recruiters can usually steal a few top 250 recruits from the helmet schools year in- year out.

3. "X's and O's Coach". This final category of coaches are filled with headmen who focus on finding system players who generally have a lower talent ceiling than those who attend the helmet schools and enroll with Uber Recruiters. Guys like Mason, Ferentz, and Tiller are good examples of this. These coaches recognize that they are old, white, and hate dealing with starlets, three personality traits which handicap any coach when trying to lure high school superstars. Their only chance to add top-end talent is by pursuing academic risks, who are late-qualifiers or JUCO transfers.

Glen Mason was an X and O coach (and an idiot). The only time he attracted top end high school talent (Laurence Maroney being a GLARING exception) was when they were academic or character risks. Guys like Keith Massey (convicted felon during recuritment), Paris Hamilton (big time JUCO receiver with a Troy Williamson like episode of underachievement both on and off the field), and Gary Russel (lol) created a culture of early drop outs and transfers out of the program. The Dom Jones scandal (and subsequent ejection of four retards) didn't help either. Our program is still about 40% Mason recruits, and when you consider we only graduated a ahndfuld seniors last year, the quality of players Mason chose to recruit really stands out. If you leave school while in poor academic standing, the school gets a damaged APR. With this astounding amount of attrition in Mason recruits, these consequences are understandable.


Secondly, Brewster recruited a bunch of idiots/late-qualifiers/non-signees in the three weeks he had before signing day after he was hired. Almost all of these guys have dropped out, with the exception of sometimes starter Kyle Theret.

The good news is that Brewster has seemingly righted the ship. We had the most Big Ten All Academics last season (twenty something), and the highest APR score in the history of the program. I attribute this shift to a Uber Recruiter being at the helm, as well as less attrition through drop-outs and off-field incidents. Brewster is creating a culture of accountability both on and off the field, a major reason I continue to support him despite the lack of on-field achievement.

Parties are awesome

Holy Taco is a great site for lists, tits, and articles that will make you laugh your ass off.

In their latest piece, they outline random assholes who can ruin your party.

I think #7 sounds a bit familiar...(cough AEGA cough).

What a Sham!

I forgot to mention that the Calder Trophy finalists were announced last week, and for some reason, Cal Clutterbuck was left off the list. Fucking travesty. Those douche-nozzles at the NHL wouldn't know REAL talent if it bit them in the ass. I believe I shall write a strongly worded letter.

The Prez has got game

I really can't believe how awesome our president is.





Mr. Hoffarber, are you watching?

Do you have the Pig Flu?

A helpful self-diagnostic tool provided by sometimes contributor J-9.

Better Late Than Never

Apparently, I was supposed to preview the NHL playoffs. But I didn't. What are you going to do about it? I RUN THIS FUCKING PLACE! WITHOUT ME, YOU'D HAVE NOTHING!

Anyway...

Round 2 of the NHL playoffs starts tonight. The first round saw an upset as the winningest team of the season lost to the Anaheim Ducks. How embarrassing. Also, Detroit destroyed playoff-virgin Blue Jackets, Chico sneaked by Calgary (thank God), Carolina scored twice in the final 1:20 of game 7 to eliminate New Jersey, Montreal's centennial ended thanks to the Bruins, and Couver wiped out the Cinderella team of St. Louis. Lastly, the Caps came from behind on the Rangers (tee hee) and Crying Crosby led the Pens past the Broadstreet Bullies.

Which caused Gary Bettman to jizz in his pants.
The Washington/Pittsburgh series is the Commish's wet dream. The sports two biggest stars in an evenly matched Round 2 playoff series. And it should be a good one. Even though the Caps barely beat the Rangers, they've won three in a row. Hopefully they can keep that streak up. The Pens are also hot though (but really, who isn't in the playoffs?) My completely biased, not at all backed up prediction: The American Capital in 7. If you want Pittsburgh to win, you hate the US of A.

I don't know what to do for the Anaheim/Detroit series. Both teams suck. Well, they don't suck. But I hate them. With my whole body. But which team do I hate the least? That's hard to say. I really don't want Detroit to win the Cup just because Hossa turned down the Wild's very lucrative offer to go play with a "winner." Not that Detroit isn't a winner, they're just not the Wild. On the other hand, I hate the Ducks, especially after the 2007 playoff series, which consisted of cheap shot after cheap shot. And if you're calling me a giant homer right now...have you ever read this blog before? Anyway, to the pick: the Flying Wheels in 6.

Carolina versus Boston? Boston in 5. Lina came into the playoffs a six-seed. Boston had the second best record in the league at the end of the season. Also, I don't know a whole lot about either team, so I'm basing my pick on this totally awesome Bruins commercial:

And Zdeno Chara haunts my dreams.

Lastly, the Blackhawks are taking on the Canucks. Luongo is on fire right now, which could spell trouble for the Hawks. However, Chicago still has a hell of a lot of talent, albeit young talent. I see them overcoming and finding a way past the Vancouver goalie and into the Western finals. (Even though they're currently getting spanked in Game 1. Hawks lost Game 1, but not before coming back to tie it.) Hawks in 7.

As for a Stanley Cup winner? I see Boston taking out Washington and Detroit beating Chicago. I'm going to take the Eastern conference champion to win it all in 7 games. But once again, all these picks are clouded by feelings and biases as big as Rusty's mom's ass (NSFW?). Take it with a grain of salt.

Closing note: When I searched Google for "Zdeno Chara scary," this came up:
Awesome.

The Cheddar Pope Returns!

Oh Favre, you tease! Our favorite #4 QB has just been granted his release by the Jets. Now Minnesotans are flying to his shit hole of a town.

You dog! Just let it happen.

This is dumb

I don't understand why people keep coming up with new toilet ideas. Is there something wrong with a few moments of solitude, relaxed and releasing from a comfortable position?

Pasadena Bound!

The Gopher's have kicked off their 2009 football season 0-0-1 after grinding to a 17-17 tie in their Spring Game. The game, held at the University of St Thomas' O'Shaughnessy Stadium this previous Saturday presented fans with a first look at the new pro-style offense led by Jed Fisch, and the dazzling talent of Troy Stoudermire, Marquis Gray and co.

Overall, the newcomers like those listed above stole the show from the returning 18 starters on offense and defense. Kevin Whaley impressed at running back, showing a possible flash of lightning to complement the incoming thunder of Hasan Lipscomb. With wideouts Eric Decker (baseball), Ben Kuznia (owie) and incoming Hayo Carpenter all absent from the practice, sophomores Troy Stoudemire and Broderick Smith had a time to shine. Stoudemire continued his development as a home run threat at every touch, racking up over 270 all purpose yards between his two touchdowns returning kicks, lining up in the slot and executing end-arounds.

The crowd favorite on offense however, came in the form of QB phenom Marquis Gray. Gopher fans have waited two years to see him under center, and he did not dissapoint. Despite playing touch football on the qb's, Gray showed his Terelle Pryor like ability to escape defenders in the pocket, as well as a very unexpected (but very welcome) touch in the passing game. Demonstrative of this ability was him laying it in to a streaking Broderick Smith, catching him perfectly in stride en route to a 60 yard touchdown. This observer wouldn't be surprised to see Gray push returning starter Adam Weber for playing time this fall.

Speaking of Weber, he didn't show much in this spring game. Hampered by off-season surgery on his non-throwing shoulder, Weber dispalyed an alarming lack of arm strength and touch on most of his throws over 10 yards, including underthrowing an open Marquis Gray on a trick play in the third quarter. He failed in looking off wide receivers, and even redshirt freshman Tim Dandridge came a blink of the eye away from a pick six in the first series. Although Weber still has a summer to learn the playbook and rebuild arm strength, that his struggles came against the second team defense while his backup Gray shined against the number one squad should help to spur him onward in his offseason preperations.

On the defensive side of the ball, newcomers were again the story. While returning end Cedric McKinley continued his development as the line's top replacement for Willie VanDeSteeg, redshirt freshmen Keanon Cooper as well as speedy Becky transfer Kim Royston showed a pop in their hits which had the crowd buzzing. Cooper is a new hybrid linebacker that Brewster is in love with, runs a 4.45 and can hit like a ton of bricks. It will be fun to see him in blitz packages this fall and also cycling out into coverage.

The player of the game award from me goes to someone on special teams. Eric Ellestad, the incoming replacement for Joel Monroe, showed flashes of consistency in an area of the Gopher's squad which has been overlooked for far too long. Hitting all four of his extra points and two field goals, Ellestad could be the answer at kicker. Did you catch that? He hit all four of his extra points.

The dogs of the game continue to be the o-line. This team will rise and fall with this squad of under-achievers. If these five guys get it together and become just adequate, I see a mid-tier bowl game for this team. However, if performance continues like last year, getting to .500 could be a struggle, and Coach Brewster could find himself on the hotseat.

All together, this spring was a time of optimism for the Gophers. Despite the absence of their best player, the offense showed flashes of brilliances, as well as a steady improvement in implementing the new pro-style offense of Jed Fisch. The defense will continue to be merely adequate, but could face some depth challenges in the secondary if injuries become an issue.

Mike Tyson Approves of this Action

Mike Tyson isn't exactly a lover of the women (only men fuck, women "make love"), but I'm sure even he would be conflicted over this event. Apparently a woman in Minneapolis was hungry, and decided to snack on her ex (presumably) boyfriend's ear.

Minneapolis police officers responding to an assault call found a man sitting in a chair, his left eye swollen and blood running down the left side of his face and neck.

"Officers also observed that [the victim] was missing the entire portion of his left ear," the complaint said.

Ouch.

Werein Lefty calls Faldo a Pussy

I love Phil Mickelson. I'm a proud lefty who is naturally drawn to those like me. Also, I am also a Minnesota sports fan, so I'm naturally drawn to those who notoriously collapse in the most decisive events. Phil fulfills both of these requirements.

That's why I was so bemused by a recent relay Phil and former Master's champ Nick Faldo had at the Champions Dinner. An excerpt:

Phil (loud enough for everyone to hear): "Gee Nick, I didn't realise that you are such a big guy. How come you used to hit it so short?"

Faldo: "Listen Phil, when you shoot 19 under par to win the Open at St Andrews you can start giving me a hard time."

Phil: "I understand that. But how come you hit it like such a pussy?"

Faldo: "I played golf the proper way."

Phil: "Yeah, like my wife."

lol. I bet AEGA plays golf the "proper way" too. Pussy.

Happy Fuck the Earth Day

Once In A Lifetime

Wow. It appears as though the College Humor Hottest College Girl contest actually ended in a perfect tie. And this is the championship. That is, of course, if the website isn't broken and displaying some erroneous result, which is always a possibility. If its real though, what are the odds? I'm a little shocked. It turns out ever vote does in fact count. I didn't actually vote in this poll. I COULD HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CHANGED THE OUTCOME!I had to double check to make sure there was no porn showing in this screenshot...

John Madden's Retirement Press Conference

Sometimes I hate the New York Times

There are a lot of things that I like about the Times. Their wide breadth of international affairs reporting, their in-depth look at facets of life often under-covered, and their website which makes our local rags look like something managed by AEGA.

But sometimes they suck. Those times are when they have artsy movie reviews of shitty comedy movies, and try to analyze the social aspects of porn when I just want to say enough.

Porn is awesome. I'm on record with that. But we don't need it to be socially acceptable. I talk about porn all the time (much to chagrine of Ms. Shakleford and others who are "socially able"). I enjoyed the public screening of Pirates II. But if it's socially acceptable, then things get awkward. Then I walk down the street and see Madeline Albright wacking off, and I lose my lunch. I think about porn in the New York Times as something like when the Discovery Channel used to show african lady boobies. That was pretty gross, and in no way arousing.

So New York Times, let's stay away from porn ok? I need my private spank bank time, and it sure as hell isn't going to come while I step out for a "smoke".

Rusty Sucks at Linking

Just realized Rusty didn't link to our Twitter page, which is obviously the only reason we only have 2 followers, one of whom is me. So go HERE and follow us!

And bathrooms everywhere sigh with relief

The Iowa legislature, in a brilliant show of statesmanship have decided to restrict the travel of all state employees. I guess this means no more bathroom hanky panky will be happening this fall.

A Beautiful Day

Doug Risebrough has been fired as the Wild's GM. I haven't been this happy since Mason was fired.

It appears that Wild owner Craig Leipold actually wants to see this team win. And with Lemaire out, why not make it a completely clean slate?

Risebrough has had an absolutely terrible track record when it comes to the NHL Draft. Benoit Pouliot, taken in 2005, was famously sent down to the minors back in January. He was drafted before Marc Staal, TJ Oshie, and Devin Setoguchi. AJ Thelen, taken in '04, was also a complete bust.

Another thing - although at points I believed Lemaire's style wasn't working in Minnesota, it was really Risebrough who was smothering Lemaire. Poor draft picks, nonexistant trades, and a complete aversion to change handcuffed Lemaire. You can only do so much when you aren't given any scorers to play with. The fact that every single talented player on your team is "untouchable" when it comes to trades tells you that something isn't quite right. You can't trade the mediocre players for anything valuable. Also relying on the "young talent" on this team was ridiculous. Players like Colton Gilles and even James Sheppard could have used another year in Houston to hone their skills. Maybe then, Sheppard and Lemaire would've acutally gotten along. I was sad to see Lemaire go in the end, but now I'm even sadder, since I would've liked to see how Lemaire's style worked with some talent.

Hopefully getting a new GM in, who also gets to choose the new head coach will produce a gelled front office, with two people who are on the same page and can really rebuild this team to be less of a "boring team," as is the main complaint about the Wild from the rest of the country. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed, though...

A quick word about Lemaire leaving: something that bothered me about his departure was that it appears it was brought about because of lack of respect from the players. For some reason, this really got to me. I guess its because I see the Wild players as somewhat representative of Minnesota in a weird way. So when they have such giant rifts with their coach, or swear at him in front of the other players, it bugs me. From Russo:

Players have been getting frustrated with Lemaire. They’ve been talking back to him. There was an incident during practice Thursday when one player cursed at him. There’s been a big rift between he and James Sheppard, one Doug Risebrough had to get involved with. Players have been furious with the few days off.

Apparently the player who swore at Lemaire was Owen Nolan, which caught me by surprise, especially since he seems like such mature, team player.

Hey! There was already a "Fire Risebrough" tag on the blog. Shhhhhhhhoocking.

Our God Has Spoken

adamcarolla: Hello? I don't know how this thing works. I don't think I'm twittering. Is this working at all? This is bullshit. Fuck this.

about 15 hours ago from Tweetie

This would be a good time to announce that the Man Palace is on twitter. Since we are all in the same boat as Adam, don't expect much action.

Counterstrike 3.0

Yeah, our country totally kicks ass. After this year of defeats, I'm tired of my school, my conferences, and my country being kicked around by those that oppose them. While taking three headshots on the terrorists is slightly different than my proposed idea to let a couple minutemen off the chains, I'm still pleased with the result.

This still leaves the door open for my idea to turn Somalia into a fucking parking lot.

China Sux

The more I read about China's giant sausage fest, the more it sounds like a frat house, without the comatose 18 year-old balancing on your balls.

You've got the mal-adjusted leader who feels uncomfortable around guys from outside his group (see right). You have other people criticizing you for human rights abuses that happen in your house. Your history is shrouded in mystery, and passed along in Little Red Books. You often need to be on the list to get in. And finally, you have an afinity for really young girls.

Yeah, sounds like China has some growing up to do. See you at the pasta feed?

Lightsabers and Boobs (Probably NSFW)

Growing up, every young man sees Star Wars and wonders what it would be like to get it on with the hot futuristic chicks. George Lucas's casting did nothing to subside these issues. This fantasy has even managed to migrate from the minds of nerds to the small, 14.1" LCD screen. Now I have to say that I stole this from Gizmodo, but I'm glad that this tradition refuses to die.



I gotta say, I was happy to see AXE make a decent commercial for once, until I realized it was a fake brand. Power to the prepubescent male.

Fuck Chicago

So apparently Ely, MN has just thrown its hat in the ring to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. And I am totally on board.

The news dropped on April Fool's, but buddhafisch over at Wild Times claims they actually sent in the application. I'm just way too lazy to look up whether or not its true. And that doesn't really matter.

There a website, Facebook group, and online petition. The best part of this whole thing is the press conference that was held (you can watch in HD!):





Man, I want one of those T-shirts.

No Fun League needs to man up

I was poking around the Big Lead, and they were excited about this article, which argues that the NHL is more physical than the NFL. As a hockey player all of my life, I'm inclined to disagree with the Big Lead's argument:

When you’ve got 300-pound lineman colliding on every play, and freakish defensive athletes acting like missiles toward unsuspecting QBs or WRs, it’s not even close. There’s probably a reason you see hockey players in their 40s; meanwhile, outside of a couple positions, NFL players bodies begin to break down much earlier.

A couple responses. First, hockey players are on skates. When he's not suffering from groin explosions, Mario Gaborik has been known to complete a lap of a NHL sized rink in 13.713 seconds. This figures out to around 27 MPH. On the other hand, Michael Bennett, of Vikings and Steelers fame was clocked at the conbine running 4.13 40. This figures out to around 19.5 MPH.

Now, I was in retard physics in high school, but the difference in impact momentum between a player moving at 27 mph and one at 19.5 mph is significantly higher. Add in the 27mph to zero instant deceleration when you meet the boards, and you can see the dramatically higher impact hockey players suffer from, compared with NFLers.

The 300 pound linemen collide with very little forward momentum, they're lined up across a ball from each other. Instead you've got guys who are nearly the same size moving at much higher rates of speed, with the sole intention of smashing into another guy.

Yeah there are some guys in their 40's playing hockey, but have you met Gary Anderson or Martin Gramatica? Keep in mind, most of the guys in their 40's are nancies, and not representative of NHLers as a whole.

In conclusion, take of your skirts you football playing nancies, hockey is, and always has been, the true manly sport.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 5

Last day of the video blogs folks. Maybe some select pictures will make it up here later, maybe not. We'll see.




The end.

Twins Update

Mr. Shakleford Sr. is present in Fort Meyers this week, and sent up this early scouting report from Twins spring traning.

1. Morneau looks good at the plate. Another towering yard-job yesterday and a couple of other hard hit balls.

2. Cuddy is looking pretty good--hammered one out also yesterday. Kubel is really killing the ball.

3. Punto looks good in the field and at the plate--web gem yesterday and two hits..

4. Crede looks bad at the plate. Hopefully it's just rust. He was taking extra BP under the stadium before the game swing with one hand on the bat.

5. Pitching looks pretty solid except for Nathan--he's getting hit pretty much every outing.

6. Yesterday was Cretin-Durham Hall day at the game--Joe M. was hanging out with them. Rumor in the stands was that he has been pain free the last few days. Without him catching position is a liability. Morales can hit but can't throw or call a game. Redmond only can play a couple of times a week. Butera can catch but can't hit.

7. Span is in a big slump--seems to be pulling away from the ball a lot. He looks good in the field though. He also made a bad base running mistake yesterday. Maybe it was because it was a laugher.

8. Gomez is taking a lot of pitches but still swings at a lot of bad balls.

9. Even though they scored at will yesterday, the offense can disappear against good pitching. The Rays left one of their starters in yesterday too long--gave up 11 runs. A guy sitting by us said that their manager was punishing him for reporting out of shape.

Suck on this Patrick

The Gophers are now ranked #2 in the Director’s Cup, which measures every sport in an athletic department based on performance. Jumping eleven spots from fall to the winter is pretty remarkable, especially when you consider hockey, and both the basketball teams haven’t yet been calculated.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 4

The next morning...



I've included pictures of us playing on the tanks and airplane.

Good Work Congress

While our country is confronted with a perfect storm of a slumping economy, two wars and divided political environment, it's always good to see that our elected officials are on the job.

Enter Representative Bill Pascrell of New Jersey, who has bravely put forth a bill acknowledging Martin Brodeur of the New Jersey Devils for recently clinching the all time NHL wins record.

Oh America, how I love thee.

An Off Year

So Puck Daddy is representing the NCAA Hockey Tournament, which starts today. Its good to see some publicity for this event, since there usually isn't ANY. Anyways, today's article about the Top 10 things for college hockey nerds to watch for in the tourney had some good quotes about Michigan Tech and the WCHA as a whole. Both of them absolutely true.

And then there's always one guy, from like, Michigan Tech, walking around the host city by himself and wearing the full get-up. And you see that guy EVERYWHERE. Go to the zoo on the off-day? There he is feeding some seals. Go to a restaurant down the street from your hotel? He's drinking heavily and eating three plates of mozzarella sticks at once. And at the actual games? He's ALWAYS sitting next to you, talking your ear off about how his team has an outside chance to make it there next year.

No they don't, you creep. Stop following me.

Honestly though, its pretty demoralizing to walk into MacInnes Ice Arena and see all the banners from the '70s when Tech was actually awesome.

Fans of most conferences will generally root for their fellow Hockey East or CCHA teams until they come in direct conflict. "If it can't be Vermont, what the hell? Go BU!" That kind of thing. But I don't know what it is about WCHA fans that makes them hate everyone in the country that isn't them. You've never seen people more pleased with a bounce that goes against the Sioux or the Pios than a Minnesota or Wisconsin fan. Everyone else can be civil, but not the WCHA.

God damn right I will cheer against every other WCHA team (except obviously, Michigan Tech...they're not exactly a threat anyways). Fuck UMD, but especially fuck the Sioux.

That is all.

Stoa Gone

Gophers Illustrated is reporting that Ryan Stoa has joined former Gopher Jordan Leopold with the Colorado Avalanche.

While this was expected, I hope this will be the only early departure for this offseason. But if history tells us anything, there will be one more we kind of expected (like Schroeder) and one out of no where (like Ness). Hold on to your butts.

Wherein I neuter the underdog

I’m a Big 10 homer. Always have been, always will be. I’m irritated by the national press snubs we are always afforded, and enraged when our hometown press eats their young. But last night Purdue strained my conference affections. Have you ever heard of a MID GAME ADJUSTMENT!?!?!? Jesus CHRIST! If you’ve got this gigantic center over whom no shot can be made, switch to your outside game! Stop trying to drive it inside, and looking surprised when he smacks the ball back in your face! Somewhere in Ohio, the Grinster approves of this game plan.

It was fun watching Duke get out Duked ( /dodges brick) by Villanova. Neither team has an inside presence, and you will go nowhere without a dominant big man.

Back to me being a Big 10 homer. I love hearing all of these ESPN “analysts” bitching on their soap boxes that not enough mid majors get in the tournament. They whine that it’s not St. Mary’s fault the teams they played in non-con sucked this year. It’s not SDSU’s fault they play in a shitty conference. It’s not Memphis’ fault Conference USA is a joke. Well cry me a fucking river. Yes it is. The selection committee looks at how the teams you played performed this year, not last year dumb ass. Why did Minnesota and Wisconsin make it in over these mid-majors? Because they beat good teams! While I will never defend Wisconsin on this blog, I will instead argue that Penn State should have garnered an invite as well. You watch these joke mid-major teams sneak in with the auto-bid and get pounded every year by the same teams. It’s the NCAA tournament, not fucking retirement home shuffleboard tourney! Instead you watch teams with legitimate tournament resumes play good games against other highly regarded opponents. These games are engaging and represent a legitimate search for the nation’s best basketball team. If the mid-majors want a shot at the prize, they need to schedule tougher non-conference schedules as a whole conference. Rising water raising all ships, and if your entire conference is playing a tough schedule like the Big 10, the Big East and the ACC do year in, year out, your conference RPI will increase. But that’s not enough. You need to beat these tougher teams. It’s not enough to say “well, I got destroyed by Duke, Sparty and UCONN, why didn’t I get an at large bid?”. That’s like saying “I drove my company and the entire US economy in the ground, but I tried hard and still deserve my $10 million bonus!”. Die.

And Digger Phelps, kindly shove it up your ass.

Public Enemy #1

This man is offically persona non grata of the Man Palace. Our friends over at the Daily Gopher are holding a nickname contest for this scribe of scorn. Head on over and join in the fun.

Zing!

Yet another reason to love Cal Clutterbuck, as if you needed it. From Russo's Rants:

In the third, after Okposo tried to remove Zidlicky’s kidneys, Clutterbuck and Okposo were having an unbelievable barking match from penalty box to penalty box. Then Clutterbuck started gesturing. I thought he was pretending to wipe tears or something. After the game, I asked Clutterbuck what he was doing and he said, “Told him to shave his neck. I told him if he can’t grow it on the rest of his face, why try at all?”

Awesome.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 3

Day 3 of the video blogs find us at the end of the first day of the Man Sojourn, having arrived in Podunk, IN. Funny story, we were joking about how we could be murdered by the locals, and no one would ever find us. Then in the middle of the night, there were footsteps and talking outside the tent. It was then that I made my peace with God. Turns out some people were camping around the corner. Apparently they had a case of Natty Light, too. I should've gone out and made friends...




Also, we were both exhausted. That's my excuse for sounding like more of a retard than usual.

Sausage Links

Get it? Sausage? It's like a penis. Which is funny.

A couple items today relating to Gopher sports.

First is this piece which quotes Joel Mat as a continuing supporter of Lucia. I guess my thoughts on this matter are pretty simple. He gets one year. If in one year we’re still getting pounded in recruiting (and not filling our needs), getting swept by our biggest rivals and shedding underclassman faster than AEGA eats a ½ pound burger, show him the door.

Another is an article in the Strib which discusses expansion of the WCHA, focusing on The Harvard of the North. I say fine. Although on a personal level, the thought of having another WCHA school in state will hurt recruiting, we are still the top dog in our state, and if anything, BSU will help keep the Sewage honest when looking at the Iron Range guys.

I’m really getting tired of people speculating about Tubby leaving. Fun Bobby says he’s here to stay. Can we put our Minnesota inferiority complexes aside for just a second and enjoy the moment? Is it so hard to believe that someone who left hell on earth and has settled in Minneapolis would be so quick to jump ship? Let’s relax a little bit, and go back to hating Childress.

Finally, congratulations are in order for Jordan Schroeder, who became the NCAA Hockey Rookie of the Year last night. Projected as a top five pick in the upcoming draft I hope his future holds one of two things: He stays in school for all four year or he gets drafted by the Wild. Or both.

SIGN CUTLER

Turning my attention away from the poundage of suck that is Gopher athletics, I've noticed recently that Jake Cutler (lovingly nicknamed by KSK as "Cutler Fucker") has asked for his whiny ass to be traded out of Denver.

The nasal pitch of his demands have awoken me from my offseason slumber, and I am once again incesnsed by Viking managment. At Winter Park right now, we have TarVar the Inept, and Rosenfels the Underwhelming. In what way is Cutler NOT an upgrade from these two retards?

Come on Chilly! Pull the trigger! Who are we going to pick up in the draft this year anyways? An O-line man? We can do that in any round. What we need is a QB who represents a legitimate vertical passing threat, to take some pressure off Purple Jesus.

Come Zygi! Get your head out of Tom Bakk's rather significant ass and send your plane on down the Denver way. Skol bitch! Skol!

He's All A-Twitter

Apparently, Big Pappa Brew now has a Twitter account. According to the man himself:

WELCOME TO COACH BREW'S TWITTER PAGE... I AM OFFICIALLY HI-TECH!

Yeah, except my grandparents also type their emails to me in all caps, so you're right on pace with them. Anyways, it's pretty entertaining to read the Twitter of a guy who is so continually optimistic. The Daily Gopher made some good points:

I just have two more comments. 1) At least it's clear Brewster is doing this himself. And 2) Do we really want Brewster doing this himself?

Also, apparently Brew has his own new recruiting site: Play4Brew. It even has the requisite dramatic Flash opening. Good stuff.

In other news, the Wild won tonight, and rookie Cal Clutterbuck broke the NHL record for hits in a season, at least in seasons where the stat has been recorded. Its kind of a joke stat since its totally opinion-based, but cool nonetheless. Give him the Calder.

As far as the playoff race goes, the Wild keep me holding on to just a thread of hope. I've already declared the season over about eight times, but now once again, it appears as though they have a chance. There is a cool website (NHLPlayoffRace.com) showing the race, along with each team's "tragic number" which is the number of points squandered by that team or gained by the 8th place team before they are eliminated from contention.

Also saw this on nhLOL. More good stuff.

Full of Fail

Ok, so now all the video blogs are public, so you should be able to view them. Please accept my apologies for being retarded.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 2

I must preface these two videos by saying, I am from Monticello, MN, and all my life I've had to deal with Monticello, IN coming up first in searches, etc because "I" comes before "M". So I was excited to see what a shithole Monticello, IN actually was as we drove through it. Also, I fail at recording.

Man Sojourn '09 Video Blog, Day 1

The day has arrived. Here are the first two Man Sojourn '09 video blogs. The first takes place as we were stuck in a toll lane for 45 minutes to pay an $0.80 toll. We may have been slightly irritable. The language at parts may be NSFW.




I would like everyone to note that it is still light outside in the first video and dark in the second, and we had traveled all of 5 miles. Just saying.

Check back tomorrow for more insightful commentary.

Save the Queen

Found this on Puck Daddy yesterday. Its awesome.That would be Kim Johnsson with a beard of bees. It comes from this story.

P.S. Man Trip '09 video blogs are uploading to Youtube as we speak. They'll be here tomorrow.

Coming Attractions

Art and I have made the sojourn all the way to the nation's capital to crash with Rusty for a week. As an added bonus to our 6 fans, we have video blogged the drive out and will post them here soon. I'm sure you can't wait...

Spring Break!!!

T-minus 1 hour and 45 minutes. The AEGA and myself will be hitting the open road for our grand adventure across the great country side. Our destination? The Capitol of this Fair Nation to visit Mr. Shakleford at his new abode as he puts in hours for The Man(or woman, I guess Hilary is the head of the State Dept.).

I know what your thinking. Man Palace Central to Washington DC, that is quite a drive isn't it? My answer is yes. It is. You'll also be happy to know we will be camping the lovely state parks of Indiana where the temperature is currently breaching 28 degrees and flood warnings were issued throughout the state in the past week. But I'm sure we'll make it through and have all kinds of wonderful tales, (e.g., the water wasn't on at the campground or AEGA got eaten by Sasquatch).

Oh yeah, we're also hitting up NYC for a few days. Rusty got into law school. AEGA and I are crashing the Welcome cocktail party ...to make sure things are structurally stable.

Pictures and stories of eminent hilarity will ensue. Stay Tuned.

The Aceman Cometh...

For those of you who have never heard of it, there's a radio show broadcast across the nation every night called Loveline. I love Loveline. But only the classics. The ones with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla.

I spent many nights in high school falling asleep to Germany or Florida, lightning rounds, and betting on what age girls were molested at. Then in 2002, Adam got popular from the radio show and from the Man Show on Comedy Central and split to take over for Howard Stern.

Adam is a god. But even that didn't help the morning radio show. After changing up the co-hosts and other aspects of the show, the ratings were still in the shitter, and the radio station carrying it changed formats to Top 40 and ended the morning radio show.

However, this was definitely a blessing for all those not in LA who didn't get to listen to Adam every day. Since he's waiting for his pilot with CBS to take off, he doesn't have much to do, so decided to start up a daily podcast, for free.

While under contract with CBS, he can't earn money from the podcast, so its unsponsored, meaning he can say and do whatever the hell he wants, which is when Adam is at his best. I highly recommend checking it out, if you haven't yet. Each episode is only about an hour long, so it's perfect to listen to while driving to work or waiting for the bus. He's already set the all-time record for the most downloads of a single podcast (upwards of 600,000) and gets about 1 million downloads a week. So even though bandwidth is costing him nearly $50,000 a year out of his own pocket, it'll remain free at least through the end of this year.The Adam Carolla Podcast

My Thoughts Exactly

I know that this is all I've been writing about lately, but I'm kind of in crisis mode right now. The NHL trade deadline is Wednesday and while I haven't exactly been counting on the Wild making some sort of monumental trade, I've still been paying attention to the Strib and Puck Daddy for any updates and rumors leading up to the swap meet.

Michael Russo at the Strib, who is my go-to source for all things Wild, had an article today discussing the trade deadline and Risebrough's "strategy." I use this term in the absolute loosest way possible. It seems as though his plan is to continue sitting there with his thumb up his ass. And while I don't believe the Wild should trade Backstrom, you better do something with Gaborik, unless you're absolutely sure you can get him to stick around one more year, which won't happen. Alas,

"If somebody says, 'I really want to overpay,' well, then what do I do? Now they put me in a dilemma. But I've told you my motivation."

and also:

That's because Risebrough says things have been "surprisingly quiet," meaning his cell phone isn't running out of battery life.

Shhhhhhhhhocking. You do know that your GODDAMN CELL PHONE WORKS TWO WAYS, RIGHT? Start calling in favors, dipshit. You must have some dirt on some other GM in the league you can use as fucking blackmail. That's how the Chiefs got Cassel for nothing.
However, the best quote from the brains behind the operation, from TwinCities.com:

If a team offers a substantial package for Gaborik, Risebrough said, "Then I've got to listen. But my motivation is not to do that."

I don't even know where to begin. I'm fucking speechless. I'm starting to think this is a cruel joke. Dougie, your team just dropped to 10th in the West. In case you need a primer on the NHL playoff system, 10th doesn't cut it. You say that Gaborik will be back to provide a "shot in the arm" to the team. When will that be? You say at most 18 days. Today Gaborik says he might make it back by the end of the month, to play the last five games of the season. Thats like giving Trig Palin a Baby Einstein CD. ITS NOT GOING TO HELP.

Puck Daddy had some excellent thoughs on the above quote:

So what do the Wild do? Offer a barely-unbroken Marian Gaborik to the masses and get a return that's less than you'd normally get or hang onto him, maybe make the playoffs (huge maybe), and lose him for nothing?

If a team offers a substantial package for Gaborik, Risebrough said, "Then I've got to listen. But my motivation is not to do that."

Idiot.

My thoughts exactly.

Hey! That's the title of the post!

The Dumbest Trophy In College Sports

So we play for the Axe, the Pig, the Bell and the Jug. Michigan State and Penn State play for this:





The Dude called. He wants his trophy back.

We've Been Snubbed

I clicked through all 25 of these shitty blogs to find the blurb about the Man Palace, only to find it wasn't listed as one of the Best Blogs of 2009. What a fucking outrage! Our loyal readers should probably email Time about this inexcusable error.

Yes Please

Here at the Man Palace we like to pride ourselves in discovering innovated methods for delivery alchohol to the bloodstream. This is another in a long line of devices our house is sure to acquire in furthering this quest.

I need this game.

Make It Rain

I believe that Doug Risebrough's job is on the line. At least I hope so. Maybe that will give him some motivation to work a little harder.

The Wild GM has had a bad couple years recently. More specifically, a bad last year. The Wild lost a lot of excellent talent last offseason in Demitra, Rolston, and Aaron Voros and are poised to lose much more this year. They've already basically lost Gaborik for nothing. Sure, they might get a draft pick for him from a team looking to make a playoff run, but there's virtually no chance of him resigning with the Wild. This is partially due to Risebrough waiting a little too long to start talks. Although, Gabby hasn't helped the cause either.

Once again, Risebrough has waited far too long to try and lock down a valuable unrestricted free agent. Niklas Bakstrom, who is playing superbly (some may argue due to the Wild's defensive nature), is 27-17-2 with a 2.17 GAA. His record should be much better with the performances he's had, but when your team can't score in front of you, it makes it difficult to win games.

Now that Backstrom is an All-Star, its going to cost considerably more to sign him. Had Risebrough made a move much earlier, he could have saved the team a large amount of money. I just don't understand the "sit around and wait" mentality in the Wild's front office. When you know you have a talented player like that, you should lock that shit down as fast as you can. If Ms. Rafaeli were to give you her phone number, would you wait a month to call her?



Because Risebrough is sitting there with his thumb up his ass, the trade rumors have begun to fly. There are teams that could use a strong goalie for the post-season, such as Detroit, Chicago, or Washington. Josh Harding is playing very well in the starts he gets, so I don't doubt that he could probably step up to the plate and perform. However, neither of the goalies on the Aeros seem to having stellar years: Shaefer has a 2.46 GAA and .907 save percentage in 34 starts while Brust has about the same save percentage. So if Harding were to get injured, there's no one of quality to back him/us up.

However, the good folks over at Hockey Wilderness made a pretty compelling point not too long ago. If Backstrom is actually asking for $6-7 million a year, we may be able to get some real scoring talent for him. I guess it all depends on whether you like to live dangerously or not.

I feel that rather than trade Backstrom, the Wild should probably pony up the cash and make a different trade. Apparently, there were 11 NHL scouts in the stands for Wednesday night's game against the Avalanche. The Wild should trade a defenseman, probably Johnsson (and a draft pick perhaps?), for someone who can put the puck in the net.

Something drastic needs to be done, and if the Wild do end up trading Backstrom, they better get some actual talent this time. I feel as though we really wouldn't be in this position if Doug would have just manned up and pulled the trigger sooner, and if Backstrom ends up leaving without the Wild getting a star player, Risebrough should be chased out of town by a torch-and-pichfork carrying mob.

On a side note, defensemen need to protect their goalies. This happened numerous times during the Edmonton game, and should not have gone unpunished. To the anti-fighting proponents out there, this would happen on every frozen puck without fighting...