What Would You Give Up?

Our pride and joy, the University of Minnesota football team kicks off its 2008 football season this Saturday. Our boys will look to rebound from an unthinkable 1-11 campaign under first year coach Tim (don’t call me Jim) Brewster. Last year’s edition was plagued by a gad awful defense that was statistically the nation’s worst.

The primary objective of every Big Ten team is to win the conference championship and play in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California on New Year’s Day. Unfortunately for Gopher fans, our team hasn’t made a tilt out to Pasadena in 46+ years. This year’s squad should be improved, by dreams of a Rose Bowl berth will most likely be put on hold for another year.

Every fan in Gopher Nation has been starved for a Big Ten Title for years now. We’re slowly becoming the Chicago Cubs of the Big Ten. Many of our fans would give a lot to see the Gophers play in Pasadena. A few years ago when the Boston Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series there was a MasterCard video made that showed what many Red Sox fans would have to give up after their team won the championship. If you’ve never seen this video, check it out here. http://www.redsoxconnection.com/mastercard.html

Now, it’s time for Gopher fans to pony up.

What would you give to see the Gophers win the Big Ten and play in the Rose Bowl?

A. Your Mac
B. Your gas guzzler truck
C. Your lady friend
D. Your job
E. Your house
F. Your left nut

The Cookie Says So

My fortune cookie from lunch this afternoon:

"You are about to receive a big compliment" - in bed.

YESSSSS!

Shady Broke My Heart

Once upon a time, a land not far from here, existed a highly regarded facility for relaxation and recreation. Nestled in the heart of Minneapolis' Western Suburbs sits Shady Oak Beach, a place I've held in my heart since I took my first gulp of lake water some 18 years ago. As I became a more proficient swimmer, I graduated to the big dock. By the time I was 15 the beach was a daily activity.

Then there came the day when I realized I could get paid to look out over this paradise. After completing my lifeguard certification, I promptly turned in my employment application. Never receiving a return phone call, I was forced to fall back on the guard chairs at the local YMCA pool. However, I was persistent with my badgering and a year later I was granted a spot on the guard staff at the Greatest Place on Earth.

Nervous at first, I was a timid and unapproachable lifeguard. Slowly I came out of my shell and began to bond with my coworkers and built great relationships with our patrons. After three years of dedicated service, I had acquired some seniority. I had had my ups and downs but I felt I had become a formidable lifesaver and someone respected by my coworkers. When the position of Lifeguard Coordinator became available, I jumped for it.

On wednesday night in the spring I got a call from the Minnetonka Assistant Facilities Manager, asking for an interview. I agreed to go in for a meeting at 10 am the following Saturday. When that mornign came around I got up early, put on my best button-up and drove out to lovely Minnetonka.

I met with the Manager, small talk for a while: discussed her new baby, how he was doing, the weather and the like... Then we went into the "Burwell Room" to conduct the interview. I sat down looked up and then saw these words come out of her mouth:

"I'm sorry, but we cannot offer you a sop on our staff this year."

HUH?!?! My mind was in shock. The conversation that followed went a little like this:

Me: Why not?

Her: There is apparently a video on Youtube with you in it.

Me: Okay...

Her: Are you aware of this?

Me: I think I am in a few videos on youtube, actually.

Her: In this video, it shows you and a few staff members drinking what looks to be alcohol on the job.

(For those of you interested, that would be this video)

Me: Okay. Why do you think it was alcohol?

Her: Well I don't know what it was.

Me: So why are you assuming it was alcohol.

Her: I have no way of knowing what it was.

Me: Well, since I AM in the video, let me tell you. It was water.

Her: You guys seem to be drinking it in a suggestive manner.

Me: We were having a water chugging contest. (Seems dumb, but an awfully good way to pass the time and stay hydrated)

Her: But I have no way of knowing what was in that cup. It looks like you were drinking alcohol.

Me: I just told you it was water. I think it looks like we were having a water chugging contest. (But need be, I'm positive I could chug 16 oz. of straight vodka no problem.)

Clearly this was going nowhere. She continued to tell me that every scene in that movie was incriminating. I suppose this would be the unrecognizable individuals jumping out of trees and the perfectly executed acrobatics performed off the high dive.

Throughout the following weeks I tried to follow up with the powers that be, the Director of Recreation Services for the City of Minnetonka. In my meeting with him, I learned that he felt that he was absolutely dumbfounded by the lack of judgment we possessed in the process of putting this on the internet. Apparently it was a mistake to even consider these actions. Even thinking about videotaping them should have been out of the question and putting it up "on this new website called Youtubes" was the last straw. Make your own decisions. Weather or not just appearing in the video, drinking water and minding one's own business is reason enough to lose a position on the staff at Shady Oak.

Now I want to make it very clear as it was made to me. The individuals involved in this predicament were not fired. We were just not allowed to return to the positions we had held for numerous summers and were best qualified for.

To sum it up, these heathens took something i loved and ripped it to shreds. It forced me to continue on with employment in a field much related to my future career. Perhaps, in the end I would have chosen that path but looking back, I would have rather had that been my decision. So I just wanted to say thanks, Minnetonka. I could go on and on about the numerous ways you have screwed over your employees without a second glance but I think I'll just save it for another day.

I leave our readers with this piece of advice: In the event that you ever manage a bunch of teenagers working at a recreation facility, perhaps consider something other than a Winnie the Pooh jumper when you plan to discipline them and want to appear intimidating. Just a thought.

NCAA Football 2009 Review

I picked up a copy of NCAA Football 2009 a few weeks back for Playstation 3 and I've been playing it quite a bit. I'm a long time fan of this series and I have to say that I'm a little disappointed in this year's edition. This is my first venture with NCAA 09 on the PS3. Here are my observations:

Pros -- The graphics are excellent, all of the players and stadiums are amazing. This is to be expected on a next generation console.

The audio commentary by Brad Nessler, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbsteit is also very deep. I heard Nessler pronounce the name of the infamous Gopher punter Justin Kucek the other day.

The rosters are nice and deep this year. Although, they have Tim McGee listed as a started at DT for the Gophers.

The Dynasty and Campus Legend modes are also very fun and deep. EA Sports has really put a lot of effort into these two areas.

Cons -- I found quite a few things that I didn't like about this year's edition. First of all, there is no "season" mode, you can only play as a dynasty or in single game mode.

Secondly, the fun mini-games like Oklahoma and the passing drill games from the PS2 version have been replaced by a couple of new, lame mini-games.

Classic teams are missing. This was one of my favorite parts of the game. I liked to use the classic teams from the past during the off-season when I was waiting for the new edition to be released. Very pissed about this omission.

Overall, the game is fun, but I figured that with the next generation platforms, the game would include more features, not less.

I give it a 5 out of 10.

Give a hoot

While on my way home from work the other day, I was in giddy works over mood. Barely hearing the radio over the wind whooshing past the windows in my non-airconditioned Ford $-150 to fill up the tank pickup, I noticed something fly out of the window of the car in front of me. As I rambled on past I see a blur of what I make out to be an empty cigarette container.

Really? Is your passenger seat that overflowing with old used Kleenexes or was your grip on the pack just too loose as you opened the window to light up that cancer stick? I understand that my gas guzzling monster of a vehicle tickles mother nature in a way she refers to as "bad touch," but at least it doesn't leave shit lying around on the fucking highway.

Another point: Just the other week some jackass was walking by our dearly beloved Man Palace Central, polishing off a fresh brew before some sort of sporting event. He must of finished it in passing because as I stood the kitchen, I noticed a the glint of a PBR can arching over our newly repair fence (also, kudos to the drunk that decided to do a number on that one). Sorry, could you not wait for the recycling bins ten feet up on the right? Are you just that weak that you couldn't hold on to that empty can for another 5 seconds? Had I not been in my skivvies clutching a half-baked lasagna, I would have run after your ass and and thrown you in a trash compactor myself.
Now I am not a card carrying tree hugger nor do I plan on saving the world by my lonesome (see: Al Gore), but I find it hard to commit such flagrant acts as these. You wanna turn your own yard into a landfill? Feel free. Leave the rest of us out of it. Right now, you are dropping a giant deuce on our beloved planet. And it makes me want to take a shit right in the middle of your bed; a nice little present on top of the comforter you fucking asshole. Thanks for your consideration.