Booze Tube

Hello from London avid Readers! So for those of you unaware of the British political scene(as I was until about nine days ago), then I must preface this story with a primer. Boris Johnson was recently elected to become the new Mayor of the fair city of London, England. One of his first acts in his new position was to prohibit the drinking of alcoholic beverages on the Underground Trains running throughout London. This ban will go into effect beginning on June 1st, two days from today. From then on all those caught with inappropriate beverages will be asked to discard it or leave the train. Of course, those with whom I have discussed this had no previous knowledge that drinking was in fact permitted up until now.
All the attention has given rise to an event on the night of June 31st. On this night, the Circle Line will play host to a mobile party filling the carriages with drunken Brits. Many protesters have created facebook groups calling for one last hoorah. Newspapers have reported the support of over 10000 confirmed attendees. The party will be starting at noon and continue well on into the night. The transit police have vowed to step up in number making sure that passengers remain safe. As I'm sure I won't be able to resist, I will return with an update in the coming days.
And for those with weak bladders, don't forget your circle line bathroom map.

Man Trip

Bear with us as exactly half our writing staff takes a jump across the pond.

We will be working diligently to bring you up to date manly news our absence, with a British perspective.

SILENCE!

I played baseball when I was little. I started out playing T-ball, where your team could score runs by making good catches in the field and I hit a "homerun" once when there were overthrows at 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. Proudest moment of my life.

The nice thing about T-ball in Kindergarten is there is no competition. You didn't need umps; throwing a runner out was as rare as knocking one over the fence. However, as soon as you moved up past coach-pitch to "real" baseball, the crazies come out to play - the crazies being the "phenom" 3rd grader's parents.

I always thought being an ump would be a cool job. The power is yours when you stand behind the plate, ruling with authority. But it didn't take me long to realize that job would suck, even umping little kids. There's always those one or two parents whose kids can't make a mistake, and they let everyone know. I'm not just talking about supporting your kid - that's perfectly fine. What sucked was when I was playing second base, listening to Jackass McGee in the stands yelling at the ump...during a fifth grade baseball game.

I've never really understood these people. Are they just not aware that they are making themselves look like complete assholes in front of everybody and their kid is embarassed to be associated with them? A lot of the time, the kid isn't even there because he wants to be, the younger kids are playing because their parents want them to get outside, get some exercise, and maybe one day buy them a nice new house with their new MLB contract signing bonus.

Which is why I found the story of the youth lacrosse organization in British Columbia interesting. Apparently, they got sick of listening to crappy parents yell at the refs, so they instituted a rule for the spectators of games requiring they be silent the whole game. That means no cheering, clapping, or heckling. Thankfully, this isn't a permanent rule, yet. It is being done to "raise awareness" for the shit the refs have to go through, who, by the way, are between the ages of 12 and 17.

While I do like the idea of doing something about parents abusing refs, especially teenage refs, I'm glad this is only temporary. I can't even imaging playing a game in complete silence. It just wouldn't be fun. The crowd gets you excited, makes you play harder. A game without cheering would just feel like a practice or a scrimmage. It wouldn't have any weight. And apparently that's how the kids felt:

"According to our refs, there was a lot less penalties, but the intensity of the game was missing, definitely," [Port Coquitlam Minor Lacrosse Association president David Clarke] said. "It was very static. It's almost like there was no emotion."

The most disturbing aspect of all this is that parents are yelling at teenage refs as young as 12 years old. And since the refs must be older than the players by at least a year (I can't see any league having kids ref games played by older kids), that means some of the games where parents are yelling are being played by 5th graders. Fucking SAD. The best way I see to fix this problem, or at least make it bearable, is to use older refs if possible. If you make all parents stay quiet during a game, you can eliminate the heckling, but you lose one of the major aspects of a SPECTATOR sport because the kids don't even know there are spectators. Instead, a harsher policy, such as zero tolerance towards heckling would likely help to stem some of the anger, although it would be difficult to enforce.

Overall, though, I do applaud this league for doing something about the problem. At least they're making an effort. While its not necessarily the most enjoyable solution, the fact that it is only temporary may make parents thing twice about screaming at kids and refs. But you will always have those one or two pricks who just can't keep their mouths shut.

Flightless Birds vs Winged Wheels

On Monday, the Detroit Red Wings beat the Dallas "We're too good for Minnesota" Stars (yes, I can hold a grudge) 4 games to 2 to advance to the Stanley Cup finals against the Pittsburgh Penguins. This matchup between a current NHL powerhouse in the Wings, and an upcoming powerhouse in the Penguins may be one of the best finals in recent memory.

Honestly, no one is shocked to see the Red Wings back in the finals, seeing as how they finished with the best record in the NHL and have made the playoffs in 23 of the last 25 seasons. The Pens, on the other hand, have gone from last place in the Eastern Conference the year after the NHL lockout to the finals just two years later by picking up big names like Sidney Crosby, Evegni Malkin, Sergei Gonchar, Marian Hossa, and former Wild player, Pascal Dupuis. This is going to lead to a very experienced, but older team in the Wings against a young, fast, and very talented Pittsburgh team.

The matchup also pits the leagues two leading playoff scorers, Crosby and Henrik Zetterberg, with 21 points each. Pittsburgh also has Marian Hossa with 19 points and 9 goals, a career high, in the playoffs.

One thing I have heard is that the Red Wings have been getting a lot of bad breaks and calls all playoff long. Although, I did hear this from my friend who bleeds red, mostly because he's human, but also because he's a die-hard Wings fan, so he may be somewhat biased. Although, I submit for you this evidence from Game 4 against the Stars:

How is this NOT a goal? That was played flawlessly by Holmstrom. We wasn't interfering or in the crease whatsoever.

Getting back to it...This will be a good Stanley Cup final, and it will be close. I'll admit that I am cheering for the Penguins, but only because they are a classic team and haven't won a cup in 16 years. I see this series going to at least 6 games, most likely 7. With that, I predict the Penguins winning in 7 games. There will be no octopi (octopuses?) on the ice in Detroit after that last game.

In the News: No Touching!

In a move to eliminate violence in their school, Armatage Elementary School in Minneapolis has outlawed touching on the playground. Principal Joan Franks had this to say:

"Since we cannot have different rules for different children, I have shared with many of the classrooms today that touching in any form is no longer acceptable while in school."

The rule comes in response to a few parents worried about the violent touching going on during reccess. Apparently Minneapolis kids really get into games of tag and touch football. Let's stop and take a moment to think about what our own childhood recesses would have been like with out don't touch the ground tag; I can only guess that the line for the swings will be doubling and with school buget cuts, I don't think they can afford to put in another tire swing. But then again, who would push? And forget kissing little Susie Jenkins underneath slide after school. Desparate times call for desparate measures. As the unnamed prison guard keeping watch over PopPop would say,

"No Touching!"

In national news, Mr. President has announced he will give up golf to show his support for the troops. Being a fan of Political cartoons, I though this one by Mr. Steve Sack said it best:

And finally, It has been announced that Jimmy Falloin will be taking over for Connan O'Brien on the NBC's Late Night show when Connan is moved up to the 10:30 slot in 2009. The pretty boy may be more popular with the ladies, but that is not what this site is about now is it. Can anyone remember a sketch in which Jimmy was able to keep a straight face; he's arguably worse than Horatio Sanz. And what has he been up to since he left the show in 2004? I'm glad he managed to make it big in the film business with such epic titles as Taxi (that was the one where he played an under cover cop with Queen Latifah, oh you didn't see that one?) and Fever Pitch (the premise being that the Red Sox could never win a world series - came out the year that Boston won the World Series). Well, we wish you luck Jimmy; and for God's sake stop throwing the pencils.

Legalize It

There has been a lot of news lately about steroid usage in sports, especially baseball. The Mitchell Report offered a detailed look into performance enhancing drugs in baseball. We’ve heard about Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Jason Giambi, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and others who have all been accused of using anabolic steroids. In the case of Canseco and Giambi, they both publicly admitted to using steroids and have moved on. Canseco even wrote a book about his usage (Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big), which I read, where he told of his influence on other players. Congress even held hearings on steroid usage in the sport.

OK, doesn’t Congress have better things to do than look into what professional athletes are putting into their bodies? I can think of a few to maybe a few hundred thousand things they should address before something as frivolous as this stuff.

Tonight while I was watching TV on channel 4 it was in between the 6:00 pm news and Wheel of Fortune when a commercial came on about legalizing medical marijuana. There was a older gentleman speaking, I guess he was in the law enforcement community, and he way saying that he didn’t want Governor Tim Pawlenty to veto this marijuana bill. The commercial was paid for by minnesotacares.org. There is a lot of interest in the pubic to get some substances legalized.

I recently received a survey in the mail from my representative, Jim Ramstad. There was a spot in this survey where I was asked what issues I felt were important. I stated that I would like to see anabolic steroids legalized for recreational use. Yep, I think it should be legal for average guys like me to be able to take these drugs to improve our bodies and our health. Anabolic steroids are currently classified as a Schedule III controlled substance along with amphetamines, methamphetamines, opium, and morphine. I hardly consider steroids to be in the same league, let alone the same universe, as meth and crack cocaine.

I feel that if I want to increase my strength and muscle volume what business is that of the governments? I’m not harming anyone else. The government feels that steroids need to be illegal, yet it allow people to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol legally once we reach legal age. I can’t see too many benefits of smoking a pack of Camel Non Filters and drinking a case of PBR Take a look at a heavy smoker and drinker, they look about 20 years older than they really are. Most of them have a real raspy voice and they reek o smoke. Cigarettes can also harm others through second-had smoke. The last time I was around some drunks I ended up witnessing a guy smack talking about the War of 1812. I guess alcohol can be used as a social enhancer for fat and ugly people to help them get laid, but in the long-run, drinking offers no benefit.

If I want to use some D-Bol, Deca, or Winny to improve my body why should this be any concern of the government? Just like Congress, shouldn’t our law enforcement officials have better things to do like catch murderers, rapists or illegal aliens?

geez, he's old

in my daily rampage of Google reader i came across this blog, "things younger than republican presidential candidate (oh, and did i mention war hero?) john mccain. So if mccain is elected into office he would be the oldest president yet. some of my favorites include: the chocolate chip cookie, Velcro and alaska. i don't care which way you swing, this is just hilarious.

Idiot Out Walking Around

The Iowa Hawkeyes look to rebound from back-to-back disappointing campaigns and return to the Big Ten’s upper echelon of teams in 2008. Under Head Coach Kirk Ferentz, Iowa enjoyed a great run of success from 2002 – 2005 that included two co-conference championships and greatly increased the team’s fan base. Ferentz is a very good coach who gets the most out of his players and is well respected in the football community. Iowa has rewarded Coach Ferentz’s recent success by making him one of the highest paid coaches in the nation. The past two years however have seen the Hawkeyes slip in the conference standings while at the same time they increased their presence in the police blotter. It appears that Iowa’s run of success is over and Ferentz may begin to feel the pressure from the team’s rapid fan base to deliver better results on and off the field.

Offense

Junior quarterback Jake Christensen returns to lead the offense after a dismal sophomore campaign where he shouldered much of the blame for the sputtering Hawk offense. Jake is one of the worst quarterbacks in the Big Ten and he might be more comfortable under center of a MAC team. If his play doesn’t improve, look for the coaches to try Rich Stanzi or Marvin McNutt.

Iowa lost two senior running backs and a senior fullback from last year and the transfer of Jevon Pugh leaves the Hawks with some concern at this position. Look for Shonn Greene or possibly an incoming freshman or JUCO to get most of the reps here.

The receiving corps is bolstered by the return of speedster Andy Brodell and TE Tony Moeaki from injury. With Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, Paul Chaney and Trey Stross back in the fold, this looks to be a position of strength for the Hawks assuming they get some improved play from their QB.

The offensive line returns all five starters from last season and with Ferentz being a former NFL offensive line coach this should be a team strength. Senior Seth Olsen, juniors Rafael Eubanks and Dace Richardson lead the way up front.

Defense

Under Defensive Coordinator Norm Parker the Hawkeyes have been known to have very physical and good tackling defenses. This year’s edition should be no different. It will be tough to run up the gut on the Hawks this year with two senior four year starters at defensive tackle in Mitch King and Matt Kroul. Both could contend for All Conference honors and I wouldn’t be surprised to see King make All American, he’s that good. The defensive end spots will be manned by a couple of youngsters who have been impressive in limited action. Look for Adrian Clayborn to make in impact at DE this year.

The linebacking corps loses two starters but returns up-and-coming star AJ Edds who Gopher fans will remember as the guy who got his ass kicked by Barrett Moen during last season’s game. Edds is a very good player and has a ton of potential. The other starters are short on experience, but have lots of talent. Blue chip recruit Jeremiha Hunter will see lots of playing time this year.

Iowa’s secondary has been known to be tough against the run and weak against the pass. This year’s group looks to follow that trend. Junior corner Bradley Fletcher looks to be a leader of this unit and has good size at 6’2”. Safety Brent Greenwood plays with an edge and his partner Harold Dalton is steady. Look for youngsters Jordan Bernsteine and Diauntae Morrow to make an impact this season.

Special Team and Schedule

Both kickers return and they are average.

Iowa needs to thank the scheduling makers again this year for dodging Big Ten heavyweights Ohio State and Michigan – both surefire losses. The Hawks schedule this year is very weak. They open at home against Maine (what is this hockey?) so that should be an easy win. Kirk Ferentz used to coach at Maine so I’m sure this will be a fun game for him. A road tilt to Pittsburgh will be tough for the Hawks. Rival Iowa State visits Kinnick this year in what is always a good game. The Hawks get Becky at home and they also get to play in the final game at the Metrodome when they meet the Gophers on November 22^nd.

I see Iowa’s fading trend continuing this year as they end up with a 4-8 (1-7 in conference play) record. I just don’t see them being a factor in, well…anything this year.

Torri where you at?

I had a spirited debate during the (baseball) off season with some friends over the value of Torii Hunter in staying with the "small market" (read as "low budget") Twins despite entering his dotage a professional baseball player. I argued that his so called "club house presence" was vastly overstated, having attempted to punch our sole power pack in the face while calling the hometown heart throb a pussy.

The common rebuttal to any and all arguments concerning Torii revolve around his defense. While I remember his nose dive in the playoffs, some recall his outstanding web gems. None in my mind hold any water to this.

I mean, how awesome is that? I always thought Manny was pretty sweet after he admitted he didn't care if Boston won the ALCS, and it's always entertaining to watch him misjudge fly balls in the Dome, but giving a fan a high five before turning a double? What would Randy do?



Ah. That's better.

Fuck the MP double A!

I'd like to record my frustration with the recording industry as it stands currently. Since the advent of P2P programs like Napster, groups like the RIAA and the MPAA have been in a worse nose dive than Goose from Top Gun.


I'll admit that my first actions upon getting cable internet in 7th grade were as follows:

1. download "Blue" by Eiffel 65 off of Napster
2. W411h4x for 15 hours on Counter Strike
3. Spend 10 hours on passwordhq.com attempting to gain access to chickswithdicks.com (go somewhere else for a link you sick fuck).

Charles Dickens said it best when describing these days of smut and glory: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times". You could download the entire first 10 minutes of American Pie and spend an hour jerking it until your computer froze and you discovered the Trojan virus that was attached to part 4 of 38. Then the RIAA had conniption fit.

As their market share plummeted (20% in 8 years in fact) the recording industry decided instead of evolving as their forbearer's had done through the vinyl, the 8 track and into the CD, they would fight change as any sensible company would do. Through legal action. Metallica led the way, suing their presumably former fans into insolvency for daring to download "Enter Sandman" so they could time their sexual gyrations to the beat throughout their masochistic fantasies.

The days of Morpheus, BearShare, Naptster and KazAa were over. They traveled west to the undying lands, resurfacing in the giant known as BitTorrent. The RIAA and it's cohorts have gained the upper hand in the past five years, attacking pot smoking college students, middle aged abortionists and senile grannies for daring to dream that their Yanni six disc collectors edition could one day be theirs for free. But the industries' days are numbered.

Today the unambiguously named Oregonian reports that a woman has won a six figure settlement from the RIAA for being mistakenly persecuted for downloading music. While many believe this to be a minor hiccup in the gluttonous feast the industry has prepared, I think it's something different. People are tired of getting bombarded with cease and desist letters. They will fight back and they will crush these industries the only way they know how. By buying an abandoned oil rig and setting up a BitTorrent host as to avoid any international litigation.

Viva La Revolucion!

Kama Sutra for the Porcelain Throne

Today my friends, you are in for a special treat. Although the title was catchy and quite clever if I do say so myself, this will not be an explanation of the various ways to carryout your fantasies of getting jiggy on the john; as much as the amateur porn industry would like you to believe this act is normal - maybe even kinky - I find nothing arousing about shooting my wad in the same location where I drop a deuce. While I do not condone making happy time on the toilet, I do feel there are a few key positions for when you're letting that turtle head make its way to the pond. As you will learn, various positions can come in handy in certain situations. So without further ado, my top five ways to pinch a loaf:

1) The Thinker

The Thinker is quite possibly my favorite day to day squatting position. This configuration involves putting both feet flat on the floor, one arm lax on its corresponding knee while the other hand supports the chin connecting with the elbow resting on its respective knee. I find this manipulation of my body to be a catalyst for pondering life, the universe and everything. The Thinker can be easily modified to accommodate the occasional newspaper by resting both elbows on their respective knees and holding the paper out in front of you.

2) Soldier Boy

YOOOUUUUU!!!!1! No really, nothing to do with the second best rap song ever created (for first see:Soldier Girl). The whole idea of a soldier standing at attention is what I'm going for here. In this position the user sits up straight, shoulders back pretending their head is suspended from a string - just the way your elementary choir teacher always told you. I have found this position to be very helpful if I'm in a hurry, I've over sized cargo I need to unload or I'm getting rid of the remnants of that Crave Case of Sliders. The alignment of the exit tubes and the added help of gravity make sure getting it all out is a breeze.

3) The Royale (with Cheese)

Every once in a while I get that feeling, as I'm walking towards the little boy's room, that I am the man. I am going to take a dump and I don't care who knows it; I may strut a little bit and have a smirk on my face as if to say, "Don't expect to see me for 15 minutes; hell, I may go half an hour!" Then I plop my self down and take it all in. If you are ever feeling this righteously divine, I suggest leaning back against that gleaming tank (at work this will be a three-inch metal pipe with a six inch cap at the top) and put your arms up on those handicap rails. Yes, this is shitting in style. Pass the escargot and while you're at it, I would love a silk hanky to wipe my ass with. No cheese required. Caution: Leaning back on a pipe that has collected condensation on a humid day will leave a tell-tale embarrassing mark.

4) SNAFU

Then come the days when nothing is going right. The Chipotle burrito was good going in but just burns the sphincter on the way out. I find myself in this position most often while experiencing cases of food poisoning and Giardia(see:Green-Frothy-Explosive-Diarrhea). In this situation, all you can do is bend over and grab your ankles and take(or in this case expel) it. Caution: Do not fall asleep in this position; you will take a header into the bathtub/tile floor and worse, your ass will still be coated with those undigested kernels of corn.

5) The Paul Bunyan

For this position, I would like to take a field trip and explain what needs to happen when you must relieve yourself in the great outdoors. When without a decent Red Roof Inn, I suggest finding a dry sturdy log, have a seat and hang your ass just far enough off of the back end to clear the bark on the other side. Option two is to drop your pants completely and squat like Lassie(this can be modified by holding a tree firmly in your hands to balance yourself as you hold a sitting position out over the open hole). Remember folks, always dig a pit and bury your remains. The rest of the human population is still trying to grasp stepping in a dog turd, they don't need the added stress of questioning that Baby Ruths origin.

Wildcat Woes

This will be the first in our 11 part series previewing the 2008 Big 10 Football Season. Today we take Northwestern and coach Pat Fitzgerald to task.

The maintenance crew at Ryan Field will be working overtime to repair the lights in the scoreboard this fall, as the offense promises to light it up while the defense struggles to pick up the slack for departing seniors.

Offense:

With their leading passer, rusher and receivers coming back for the fall, the biggest change Northwestern will be looking at this year is the return of the no-huddle. After a nearly decade long absence from Evanston, third year head coach Pat Fitzgerald has resurrected this fast paced option with the hopes of electrifying an offense which is stymied by a lack of incoming talent and the inability to find the end zone.

Senior quarterback C.J. Buscher has proven to be an effective weapon in spreading around the ball, receiving Big 10 Offensive Player of the Week honors twice last year. Although both times he light it up against underpowered defenses (Minnesota’s and Michigan State), he knows how to use his aerial weapons. Converted QB’s are a specialty of Pat Fitzgerald, and he uses the dynamicism of Andrew Brewer and Eric Peterman to confound defenses with a variety of looks.

This year promises to yield solid offensive production from this veteran crew of athletes.

Defense:

Defensive leaders in tackles and sacks have both moved on to the real world for the Wildcats, and their replacements will have a tough time filling their shoes. After graduating Middle Linebacker Adam Kadela, Senior Mike Dineard will be thrown into fire after recording not a single tackle his entire college career.

The defensive line looks to have strong depth coming out of spring practice, but a crew who recorded one of the fewest sack counts in the Big 10 in 2007 will need to kick it in gear if their secondary are to have any chance at stalling the high powered spread offenses of the Big 10. Defensive line pressure is the key for stalling the spread, and recycling what didn’t work before isn’t a good sign.

With no new major talent pickups in the 2008 recruiting class, this crew of leftovers will be hard pressed to prevent their Big 10 challenges from turning into shootouts.

Rusty’s Ridiculous Prediction: 4-8 overall, 1-7 in the Big 10.

After posting an embarrassing loss against Duke at home last year, the Wildcats will be hard pressed to record a W when on the road. The other three non-conference games look to be manageable, but the Big 10 schedule is going to be a lesson in pain. Last year’s wins came on the backs of Indiana, Michigan State and Minnesota. With Michigan State retooled after a year of upheaval from coaching changes and Minnesota including the Wildcats in the Metrodome Farewell tour, these look like two victories which could be converted to L’s. Indiana looks to be the only sure thing on their schedule, and the 30,000 screaming faithful packing Ryan Field should be an overwhelming advantage (sarcasm should be noted).

Overall, with a resurgent Wisconsin and Illinois, coupled with Minnesota and DickRod cherry picking their homegrown talent, the future doesn't bode well for the most intelligent players in the Big 10.

Softball Smokin'

I play softball through my church in a league that consists of teams from other churches in our area. We play in a “C” league which basically means were not very good. This is my second year on the team. Last season, I primarily played outfield and I took my lumps trying to field some of the blasts that were hit my direction. Our team last season consisted of a few veteran guys who were skilled enough to make up for my fielding and throwing blunders to make the team pretty competitive against the rest of the league.

Fast forward to this season: most of our big hitters and slick fielders have moved on and they’ve been replaced by fringe players and a few scrawny high schoolers. Since I’m no Ozzie Smith in the field and I don’t possess a JaMarcus Russell like arm, they’ve put me behind the plate as catcher, a position I’m glad to fill.

We started off our season last week with a win over a team we pounded last year 20-2. This year’s score was much closer at 16-15. The closeness of this game gave me the feeling that this year’s squad wasn’t going to be a completive as last year’s edition.

Week 2’s games were played last night and we were matched up against a team that looked like it was one its way to the College World Series in Omaha when the players broke out their $300 Demarini bats. I thought this was a church league???

We were the home team so we were in the field first. Our opponents proceeded to blast the ball around the field with relative ease (and the help of some absolutely brutal fielding) and put 6 runs on the board before we could even make an out. After allowing the other team to bat around in the top of the first we finally got out of the inning just down by 9.

Our turn to bat in the bottom of the first yielded two runs to close to gap to just 9-2.

Ding! Inning number 2. Our opponents broke out their whoppin’ sticks and put up six more runs to safely put the game out of reach. Our new left-center fielder is a guy who looks like he just walked out of Dunwoody Institute with a degree in Auto Mechanics. Well, old grease-monkey boy gets eaten up to a hard liner hit to him that rolls all the way to the fence. Well, instead of going and chasing down the ball, auto junkie decides that he’s going to give up and let someone else get the ball. This leads to a standing up inside-the-park home run. Needless to say his lack of effort pissed off most everyone on the team. Now, I’m not a real serious softball player and I can take an ass kicking with extreme humility, where as some guys are down in the dumps if we lose a game, but come on chief, you’ve at least got to turn and run after the ball! A few of our real gung-ho players were pretty irritated with lazy boy in the outfield.

The game went five innings before it was ended because of the merciful “run rule.” In this case we trailed by 15 runs after five innings. Besides, our entire team was deflated as a Glen Mason led Gopher football squad.

We got smoked like a Marlboro.

Next game is Monday night! Fire up!

Where are you?

What a waste.

As our Minnesota readers are sure to know (I have to specify, because we've gone worldwide, bitches) this spring has been unusually cool save the three or four days where temps crept into the upper 70s and lower 80s. The only problem has been that those warm days have fallen on the weekends.

Why is that a problem? Because there's no class on the weekends.

Now I've really gone insane. But let me finish.

There is a phenomenon in the arctic north some of you may have heard about. It's called "hot girl camp." For the unintiated, hot girl camp is the place where all the attractive ladies go in the winter to escape frost-bite and nippin out, only to return again in their tank tops and short shorts when the weather has taken a turn for the better.

The problem with the cool spring this year was that those evil camp counselors (who I can only imagine are hot camp alum, but now are wrinkly and leathery from too much time on the tanning bed) only let the hot girls out on maybe three different occasions all season. I'm guessing they're mad that they're not hot anymore, so they take it out on the guys on campus by holding out on the hotties. And now with classes over, and only finals weeks left before the mass exodus from Dinkytown, the only chance to get a look at 2007-08's hot camp class might be this weekend.

But I guess the hot girls (and the guys) aren't the only ones suffering from a cold spring.

Shutup Mom, The Other Kids Are Laughing

Basketball Superstar LeBron James finally managed to come out of his recent slump last night against the towering Boston Celtics. Of course he had to keep his mom in check while he was at it. In the first quarter, LeBron took a blatant foul which carried Paul Pierce and himself into the seats behind the glass. His mommy, Gloria, was quick to jump up and address the danger that her baby could be in. He quickly told her, in words somewhat close to but much more... aggressive, to put away the band-aids save the lectures about fair play for later. You can see YouTube the video here.


That's right, "Sit your ass down" mom. Coming a day after Mother's Day, I hope James took the time to stop at the nearest florist for another bouquet of roses, marked down on clearance. I like that KG couldn't manage to completely conceal the hilarity of the situation as he cracks a grin in LeBron's direction.


At the end of the night, it was the Cavs tying up the series 2-2 with a 88-77 win over the Celtics. LeBron, struggling with a 26% shooting percentage from the field in the series, did pick it up this game as shown in his rocketing dunk over our own former star Kevin Garnett.


Game 5 is tomorrow night in Boston.

Another Incentive to get the Game Day Crew

Turns out my Babe of the Week enjoys the coverage. Speaking in a TV interview, Erin Andrews explained that she enjoys the attention (read: internet obsession), but it teaches her to be "thick skinned" and "to stay in shape".

I don't think she's having any trouble at all.

Paw -lenty of Fish, but no catch?

It looks like our beloved governor is struggling where it counts.

Speaking with Mike Max yesterday on WCCO, Governor Pawlenty complained about the cold weather and his blue balls.

"I have a wife who genuinely loves to fish. I mean, she will take the lead and ask me to go out fishing, and joyfully comes here," the governor said before adding, "She loves football, she'll go to hockey games and, I jokingly say, 'Now, if I could only get her to have sex with me.'"

Now if only he could have stayed home and negotiated a budget settlement instead of pitching a tent on Big Pelican lake.

The Wonder Years

The Big 10 will face a series of changes over the next couple of years. Here are my predictions for the future.

I will put my predictions for the coming season when I have the time.

1. OSU - all they do is reload

2. Michigan - will be back on it's feet, maybe better than ever - Rich Rod. will implement his deadly offensive scheme with even better talent than he had at WVU. This year will be a down year, but after a couple years for his players to learn the new system and for his new recruits to become established, they will be strong.

3. Illinois will be strong - Great recruiting under Zook will have them back in the upper echelons of the Big Ten.

4. Wisconsin - Will start to fade a little, losing out on players from Illinois, Minnesota and other Big 10 territories where they have historically stolen from.

5. Gophers - Brewster's first recruiting class was the surprise of the Big 10. As the develop and if Adam Weber continues to develop, Dunbar could help propel another offense to the top of the Big 10.

6. Michigan State - Dantonio isn't the cure-all for what ails them in East Lansing, but should hopefully help to stem the tide of the mid season collapses which have plague the Spartans the past few years.

7. Penn State - Joe Pa will either kick it or be forced out in the next few years. The turmoil will make Happy Valley a rancorous place.

8. Purdue - Joe Tiller is stepping aside in a year. Recruiting is already on a downturn, and you can't run a train without coal.

9. Indiana - Hardy is gone. Indiana is going to continue to be cherry picked by other Big 10 schools, especially with Illinois and Minnesota on the rise.

10. Iowa - The heat will be turned up on Ferentz if he isn't gone already. The Thugz he had are all gone, and he can't raid Illinois and Minnesota for talent anymore. Things could get ugly for the Herky Birds.

11. Northwestern - Kind of tough to have things like "academic standards" at your school when Illinois and Wisconsin have none.

Turn your head and cough

I hate going to see the doctor. I avoid it at all costs. If I get sick, I tough it out; if I have a problem, I hope it goes away. Needless to say, there comes a point when a man needs to suck it up and drop in for a checkup. This past week, I found myself in such a situation. I needed a sports physical for school and new meds for the upcoming allergy season so on Monday, I headed on into the clinic

Before I had a chance to fill out the three or four forms I was immediately asked to complete, I was being herded around the office, removing my shoes and stepping on scales so they could see how my college diet of beer and pizza had affected my height and weight. They took my blood pressure and temperature, none of this was new. This time around, I was unfazed when they asked me to undress "down to my shorts." I even took on the Doc's cold fingers on my junk without flinching while keeping the right equilibrium of hardness between a shrivelled, pencil prick and an all out boner(it's tough i know, but you don't want the old guy to get the wrong idea). They checked my eyes and ears, took a sample of my blood and had me pee in a cup.

Then we got into the health questionnaire portion. The Doc started asking the standard questions and I gave half hearted answers:
"Do you exercise?"
-"When it's nice outside."

"Do you do any illegal drugs?"
-No. (Did you really expect a different answer?)

"Do you smoke?"
-Gross.

"Have had more than five drinks a day in the past year? If so how many?"
-Yeah...three?

"How many day a week do you drink alcohol?"
-One...

After avoiding these questions like a champ, not giving to much away but not being too clean to arouse suspicion, I get thrown a curve ball.

"Are you happy with your appearance?"
-Well the pimples have finally subsided; I wouldn't mind a little more facial hair.

"Are you happy with your weight?"
-Umm, yeah I guess.

"Do continue to participate in activities you enjoy?"
"Do you ever feel uncontrollably depressed?"
-Seriously?

Each of these questions I had never heard from my physician before. While I answered each one, he looked me in the eye as if he half expected me to lunge for the sharps container at and stick whatever I could find into my jugular in hopes of not having to wake up the next day. I do not know how long this has been a standard practice among family medicine practitioners but it took me by surprise. I have, until now, been unaware of so much ado about the importance of mental health and body image. The problem has been all over the media; we are constantly reminded that Barbie is slowly killing our little girls but the proactive approach was new to me.

As awkward as it was, I can see how it may be a good idea for some people but I also wonder how effective these screenings can be. I trust my doctor to keep me in good physical standing. I will tell him if I have aches or pains or if I have an abnormally itchy rash on my thunder down under but would I tell him that I feel bad about being fat? Would I tell him how much I hate it when the other kids make fun of me? I see him once every two years to get prescriptions renewed; Does that create such a bond that I feel comfortable bearing my inner feelings? I think not. Nice try though.

Maybe the better qualified people would be those that have daily interactions with the individual. Keep the sappy stuff for the school counselor who becomes concerned over my irrational behavior. Was there is any underlying reason why I chose to glue the hair of the idiot who fell asleep sitting in front of me to the desk? Perhaps I am reaching out and expressing my emotions in an destructive manner. Hmm. Or I got pissed because he spilled red Kool-Ade all over my white Ninja Turtles t-shirt. And his mom always packs him a Snack Pack and I'm stuck with cinnamon applesauce. 'Nuff said.

In case you were wondering, I can still see 20/15 in both eyes and I heard every single one of those annoying pings from the red and blue hard plastic head phones. "An undeniable stallion of health" as they put it. Their words not mine.

In the News: Update

Last week I mentioned a hunting accident involving a father shooting and killing his eight year old son. Since then, a few developments have surfaced that I feel are worth discussing. For those of you interested, this is the article that ran in the Minneapolis Star Tribune two and a half weeks ago and this is the most recent article released this morning.

According to the new release, the Belle Plain man had been trespassing on another's land, hunting without a valid licence and on top of that, the man had blood alcohol content of .05 three hours after the incident(which extrapolates to a .08 at the time of the accident) and tested positive for marijuana. Now I agree that just having marijuana in one's system does not necessarily mean the individual is under the influence of the drug; as I understand it can stay in the human system for weeks after consumption. I also understand that .08 is technically the legal limit and that many people are fully functional at this level. The multiple cases of beer found in his truck attest to the fact that this man could probably handle his liquor. However, I am still boggled by the irresponsibility of this man and can only see how this will continue to tarnish the reputation of hunters everywhere.

My father is a NRA Hunter's Safety instructor and one of the first and foremost rules stressed in the class is to be sure of your target and what is beyond. But when the man introduced drugs and alcohol into the situation, he stepped over the line even further. Did the alcohol affect his judgement? We may never know, but it does make the situation more bothersome. Yes, getting a case of beer for a weekend of hunting is tradition, that's why Miller produces blaze orange cans of High Life during deer season, but as it reads down the side of the case, those brews are "for after the hunt." I don't have children, but someday I will. The fact that this man was trespassing on other's property with a gun in his hands and alcohol in his system will make me think twice about sending them out in the back yard without a blaze orange jumper, possibly made of Kevlar.

In other news, a Wisconsin woman has been charged with child abuse for firing a BB gun at her 8 year old daughter. The projectile allegedly hitting the girl in the leg then ricocheted and hit the woman's 7 year old son. Apparently, the woman had been drinking with her boyfriend when he bet her a dollar that she would not fire the weapon upon the child. Brilliant.

Rush Limbaugh, in his infinite wisdom, has begun deploying guerrilla tactics in the '08 Presidential elections by sabotaging the Democratic Primaries in North Carolina and Indiana today. By calling on all Republicans to vote for Sen. Clinton in these contests, he believes he will continue to cause injury to Obama(who he expects to win the Democratic nomination) and his campaign come November.

And that's the news. Stay classy San Diego.

Wheezing Like A Fat Kid With Asthma Climbing Everest

First off, I apologize for the rarity of my posts lately. I wish I could make some excuse like "I've been busy writing my thesis on the interaction between French hunters and the native Amazonians in the Nile River delta" or something important (sounding) like that, but in actuality, I just haven't had anything to write about. And I'm lazy.

But I digress.

As I write this, the San Jose Sharks and Dallas Stars are in their fourth overtime of Game 6. I'll say that again. Fourth overtime. I don't care what anyone says... shootouts DO NOT belong in the playoffs.

San Jose, the number two seed in the West coming into the playoffs is fighting for their lives coming into this game down three games to two. Lose here, and its a long walk home. And they know it.

These fans are definitely getting their money's worth. Besides the fact that they paid a single-game price for more than two game's worth of hockey, they are being treated to a goaltender's skill competition. Earlier, in the second overtime, Evgeni Nobokov made the biggest save of the season, stretching across the crease, just snagging a puck shot on a seemingly wide open net, stopping it halfway across the goal line. Marty Turco has not been too shabby either. His amazing kick save in the second overtime also saved his team.

Watching these guys collapse over the boards on line changes is...amazing, for lack of a better word. The stamina of these players makes me kinda jealous. Ok, REALLY jealous. I can't skate a lap around the rink without reaching for the oxygen tank. These guys have played more than two games of hockey in one night. Its past one in the morning in Dallas, where the game is being held. These guys will be sleeping til Tuesday.

The Dallas Stars just won the game, not more than 30 seconds ago. San Jose didn't lose due to any fault of Nabokov. With 59 saves compared to Turco's 61, someone had to get one in sooner or later. It didn't help that the winning goal was a powerplay goal. But this isn't the ref's faults either. It was a blatant penalty and had to be called. However, you still hate to see such an epic game end on a powerplay.

Unless you're a Dallas fan of course.

Which I'm not, so I'm going to bed slightly disappointed.

The Man Spa?

My Dad's birthday is coming up shortly and for those of you ontop of your calanders, Father's Day is also less than a month and a half away(I should also take this time remind you fellas that mothers day is next weekend - this is your final warning). Slowly I have begun looking into gift ideas for dear old pops. While listening to the radio the other day, I heard about this new salon for men; they call it The Man Spa. Then later while cruising the interwebs for ideas, the spa quickly popped up in my Google search. The hype being created for this new establishment is growing, so I wanted to know what we can really expect from the so called man spa.

The Man Spa boasts giant flat panel TVs for watching sports during your "experience." I also like the tagline that they "know just how to treat a man" (seriously, it's too bad there is no way this is a front for a prostitution ring). They provide all the ammenities of a normal spas like massages and facials with idea of making you feel manly about it.

This all sounds well and good however, when it boils down to it, why would any self respecting man need to go to a spa? Who's gonads could endure the embarassment of being caught in a glorified beauty salon? I mean when is the last time you heard your fishing buddy complain about the softness of his skin or the tension he carries in his shoulders? I personally do not associate with, as Gov. Schwarzenegger puts it, gurley maan. I do not see the need for any such treatment no matter how macho they make it sound. My perception of the place was comfirmed with the announcement, "Comming soon... Waxing!"

Now let me explain what a real man "spa" would entail:

1) First, lets get rid of the name. Nowhere would you find the word "spa" in the title; spas are for women there is no getting around this.

2) Large, comfy leather armchairs with atomans; the vibrating ones that massage your back would make up the bulk of the establishment.

3) Large televisions broadcasting multiple games of sports will line the walls.

4) Above those televisions, there will be several mountings of large game animals.

5) Beautiful women scantily clad will constantly offer a wide variety of fine ale, stout and lager.

Now this may sound like a clubhouse version of Hooters or any other sports bar; but I say why do we need anything other than that. If I want a "man spa" I'll get the directions to the nearest Buffalo Wild wings and save the massage for when I get home to my lady friend.

Finally, for those of you girly men out there or those of you with girly fathers that somehow produced normal offspring, you can get a deal for the Man Spa here.