Buck the Fuckeyes - The Live Blog

Fail.

Pops always taught me to aim low and avoid disappointment. Unfortunately, this is just not plausible when considering high level collegiate or professional sports. These athletes make a living out of doing one thing, whether it is hitting a ball with a bat, catching a conal object formed of pigskin or just running in a straight line a lot.

Lots of these athletes make their job look easy. Some make it look hard.

In this spirit, we introduce the Lee Campbell Award for Underachievement. Nominate your favorite athlete (or team) who continually confounds expectations by blowing big games, or taking it upon himself to fail at sports.



Named for the starting linebacker of the Golden Gopher Football teams, a nominee should continue his proud tradition of blowing lane assignments, missing tackles and astoundingly continuing to talk trash.

The Polls are open!

Buck the Fuckeyes!

Tomorrow has been billed as the biggest day in Jim Brewster's short tenure here at the U. The Buck's are down, and their shellacking at the hands of USC looks even worse now that the fiends of Corvallis have broken the Condoms.

Regardless, tomorrow won't be pretty. Here are my predictions.

1. Decker is shut down. Weber throws at least one pick trying to force it into double teams, and then takes multiple sacks while pausing to look up his check downs.

2. Pryor celebrates his coming out party. Against a "legitimate" opponent, he makes Hightower, Campbell and co. look silly, rushing for over 100 yards and two touchdowns. Mark May and Lou Holthhhhh become inexoriably sexually intertwined in a mad dash to lavish praise.

3. Troy Stoudemire houses one. The lone brightspot in the game keeps me watching for another five minutes.

4. Buckeyes win 38-14. Fat Pat pens an article which contains the word "cupcakes" 15 times.

I'll have a live blog up tomorrow until the Gophers go down by three scores.

HOCKEY!

I knew there was a reason I liked Maxim, other than the obvious. They just released a list of 10 reasons to be excited about the NHL. And nowadays, any media outlet that doesn't bash hockey is A-OK in my book.

One thing I found striking - the Canadiens have been around for 100 years. But even more interesting, they've won 24 Stanley Cups in that timespan. And considering the last time the Habs won the Cup was 1993, before that year, they were winning a Stanley Cup on average every 3.5 years. That's more often than I get laid.

And also, Sean Avery is a pile of shit.

JYD's in C-Bus

The Dogs are at the door to the meat house this week in the Horse Shoe. Will they break it down?

Glen Mason will be serving as the Honorary Captain for the Bucks. In the words of the great Stu Bickel: "Real fucking classy!".

The guys over at The Daily Gopher has penned this thought provoking piece.

If the Gopher's win this weekend, Clark will be arrested for aggravated battery against the Grinster. I will also be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.

What will happen to you?

The Final Countdown

Tonight's the night.

The first game of the Twins-Sox series is nearly an hour away. If the Twins want any chance of losing embarrassingly to Tampa Bay in the first round of the playoffs, they're going to have to win 2 of 3 against Chicago. More than likely, they'll have to sweep.

I'll be honest. It's hard to be optimistic after the run the Twins have been on. But I'm trying to remind myself that the majority of those losses came on the road, so there may still be hope in these last 6 home games.

But only if the pitching comes through...

Teh Monos, or, How My Last 3 Weeks of Summer Sucked Donkey Dick

"Where the hell is AEGA?" I'm sure you've all been asking yourself. "His posts are the only reason I read this shitty blog. Rusty and Art suck donkey dick." I know, I know. And I apologize for my prolonged absence from the tubes, but I have very good lies reasons. You see, I was busy helping chronically ill children (I'm single and terribly handsome, ladies) before finding out I had mono the day after returning from helping said children (ladies, did I also mention I am now disease free?). And let me tell you, mono sucks major donkey dick. It pained me to think about what my dear readers were going through in my absence, but with my lymph nodes being swollen to the point that I looked like a frog trying to impress that hot, slutty little number across the pond, I was unable to make it out of bed to type one of my always impressive entries.

Since I haven't posted in over a month, I've missed out on a lot of bitching and preaching. So I'm going to let it all out now. Prepare yourself...

Notre Dame sucks donkey dick. Seeing them beat Michigan was not a pleasant experience, and I was somewhat surprised to not see my roommate hanging from the ceiling fan when I got home, being the rabid Wolverine fan he is. The one consoling aspect of the game was seeing Fat Charlie get fucked up by his own player.

Take that, lardo. I think instead of fucking morons being worried about the Large Hadron Collider creating a black hole and killing us all, they should be worried about Charlie Weiss collapsing into a black hole due to his massive gravity.

I was unable to attend the first two home games of the Gophers historic last season in the Humpty Dump due to being ill. However, I will be there this weekend when the Gophs take on the powerhouse known as Florida Atlantic University, and I'll be making up for those two lost weeks. But I am getting shivers and flashing back to Ernie Wheelhouse and Jim Brewster losing on the road last season. Though many point to the Gopher's 3-0 record as being the result of a first-half cupcake schedule (and they're completely right), the Gophers are definitely a better team this year, mainly due to Weber having much better control and making fewer mistakes. And also, TCF Bank Stadium is really taking shape. Every time I drive by it, I get a semi.

Side note: 6 days until the start of the NHL preseason, 20 until the regular season. Go Wild!

Last point, its about time Childress pulled his head out of his ass and benched Tartar Sauce. Tarvaris Jackson sucks donkey dick, and I've been saying it since the offseason. The fact that I was right is sad, I know shit about football and strategy. I'll admit it. How this was glaringly obvious to me, but not the guy getting paid millions to run this shithole of an organization is beyond me. Everyone told me TJax would be fine and I have no faith (OK, it was just my roommate, but fuck it anyways). Not that I think Frerotte will fix all our problems, either. The Vikings should've gotten a goddamn quarterback in the offseason, and they should try and get Jeff Garcia now. He may not be an outstanding MVP QB, but he's better than what we have now. Fuck. All this talk about Tartar Sauce makes me want some fish sticks.

Only 5 "donkey dicks." Disappointing.

Thank you may I have another?

Joe Biden wants your money!!!

Yesterday at a campaign rally, Biden revealed his ineptitude for discussing anything besides divying up Iraq into awkward, warring sections.

Refering to those with household incomes over $250,000, Biden exlaimed:

"It's time to be patriotic ... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."

I just have one thing to say to all of you rich people out there:

How DARE you.

People like:

Barack Obama
Bill Gates
Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf
The President

How dare you even call yourselves American. Pay up!

7 O'clock Crazies

First Week Thoughts

The only thing that surprised/delighted me about the first week of college football in eight months was watching Dick Rod get pounded by the Utes.

After a week of play, this is my Big 10 predicted order of finish:

1. Ohio State
2. Penn State
3. Wisconsin
4. Michigan State
5. Illinois
6. Michigan
7. Purdue
8. Iowa
9. Indiana
10. Northwestern
11. Minnesota

I hate to say it, but in my book we're only sending one team to the BCS. I don't think the Big 10 is strong enough this year nor Penn State's OC schedule tough enough to get them in with two+ losses.

Travis Beckum can suck my left nut. Jack Simmons is the premiere tight end in the Big 10.

I'm just glad Michigan State got their choking out of the way. I'm so fucking tired of the pundits hyping State year after year until they implode with the dignity of a dying star two weeks into the Big 10 schedule.

I'm fired up about the Gopher's victory. That is how low this program has sunk in the last year. We will most certainly be pounded by Bowling Green next week and stumble into conference play 2-2. It's four wins or bust for me.

Is it hockey season yet?


p.s.
lol Sarah Palin's daughter.