Fecal Facts

Now I'm sure if you're reading this, you haven't had much experience with one night stands. But can you imagine what good looking people everywhere must suffer through every Saturday and Sunday morning? I can. Imagine waking up to the girl of your dreams, only to feel the familiar stomach rumbling and rectal contraction which foretell the coming of a gas expulsion. Do you get up and risk an escapee? Do you seal off all exits and hope the blankets suppress the seeping odor? There's no good way to deal with a situation like this. You're at code red, and when she decides she's down for round two, there will be no bigger buzz kill then dropping arse while filling hers.

That's why I think it's important for men everywhere to be aware of what you drink does to your bowel system. Using my own extensive experience with beer and it's after effects, I've attempted to complile a cheat sheet on what's hot and what's not when trying to reach College Nirvana.

Each beer will be ranked on a scale of one to five "gifts", with five obviously being the best.

Coors Light - This watery beer is the "classy" beverage of choice for novice beer drinkers. Poops can range from solid streaks to Havanna Omlets while sqeulching farts are inevitable.

Rusty's Score: Two Gifts

Budweiser - The King of Beers is a bit spendy for budget beer drinkers, but a good investment to avoid day after blue balls. This grainy, bread-like beer will solidify your poops and help you contain the day after farts. Ware the constipation fiend!

Rusty's Score: Four Gifts

Milwaukee's Best (The Beast) - A member of the "Deadly Duo" this is an absoute no no if you plan on a second round of sheet karate. Sharts are a frequent companion of this keg favorite, and as old grandpa Shakleford was fond of saying, "If the sheets are brown, she won't go down"

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Pabst Blue Ribbon - Hippies have so much other crap in their bodies, it's no wonder they don't notice the devistatation PBR will wreak on your digestive tract. This beer has a metallic aftertaste which will most certainly be remixed into air the next morning when the sheets are lifted. Think day old tuna smothered with burnt dog hair.

Rusty's Score: Two gifts

Leinikugel's Summer Shandy: A top of the line beer with top of the line taste, this tart summer special will inverse the relationship of trough dropping to panties for the better. Normalized poop relations mean minimal gastrointestianl activity. I hope you sprung for the jumbo pack of Trojans.

Rusty's Score: Five Gifts

Miller High Life (The Champaign): Completing the "Deadly Duo", this beer is to be avoided at all costs. The Tiger Woods of Air Befoulment will leave your balls aching and your eyes tearing. I recommend Orkin for your fumigation needs.

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Well, there you have it. What to drink and what to avoid if you plan on more gash lapping the day after. I'll seek to provide updates in a tireless effort to eradicate beer farts everywhere.