The Second Cumming

REPENT, SINNER!

The Messiah has returned! The Great Book states: "And He shall return when the World is darkest, taking the image of a rodent. He will be loved by all. And He shall bequeath his gift unto all. And the populus shall then betray Him and He shall be ostracized and incarcerated. He shall be known by the name Inmate. His sacrifice will save all."

So repent, sinner. And be saved. All heathens will be cast down to the firey pits of Hell. All believers of The Gift shall receive it unto them.

The Messiah

Don't Shave Your Pubes in the Shower

To whom it may concern:

Trimming of pubic hair while bathing ones self in the tub will no longer be tolerated. The mass of squiggly matted hair now clogging the drain has pushed the cleaning staff to their limits. At the very least, we ask that clippings be removed immediately following individual shower sessions. This will prevent further build up and improve the cleanliness of our bathing facilities.

Thank you for your consideration,
The Management

P.S. This is also a bad idea. (NSFW)

Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer

So imagine, hypothetically speaking, that you are sans computer for more than a week and a half. The lack of perusing the likes of Big Tit Patrol or or Bookworm Bitches is starting to wear on you. Eventually you reach the breaking point and you need to borrow the nearest computer you can think of. For the sake of argument, just pretend that it happens to be your roommate's brand new laptop -still shiny white, with the box laying on the floor. You carry said computer to your fortress of solitude and proceed to surf your adult site of choice, catching up on those updated teaser-trailers.

Now imagine that your just getting down to business; the jar of petroleum jelly sits beside the computer on your desk. All of a sudden, without warning, your hitherto deprived prostate violently erupts in directions beyond your control. A nice pool of sticky goo is now oozing over the nearly fingerprint less keyboard. What do you do?

Art's Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer:

5) Run to the nearest best buy, shell out 1500 clams for a new one and replace it in his room before he notices anything is afoul. (Then, with some cleanup, you have a brand new computer for yourself)

4) Take him out to the local establishment and buy him a few beers. Once the both of you are inebriated, let the deed slip and with luck he will be fully understanding of your predicament and clear you of any guilt or responsibility.

3) Towel it off(use a bath towel now, mind you; those Kleenexes will work on your own rod but going after a computer with a handful of tissues is like trying to climb mount Everest with dental floss). With luck there will be a few sticky keys and nothing worse - could have easily been spilled soda.

2) Leave him a post-it not next to "the gift" and hope he's in a good mood.

1) Publish a "Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer" on your blog.

Clark's Guide to Pooping at Work

One of my favorite things to do is to drop a deuce. I really enjoy the 10 minutes of relaxation sitting on the can expelling the previous days spread. Over the course of my life, I’ve become a pretty regular pooper with my preferred time being morning. I think since about junior high I started pinching a loaf before I left home for the day whether it be for school or work. Up until recently that is…

The past couple of years I’ve developed a nice habit of taking a shit at work shortly after I arrive each day. This method has been beneficial to be in a couple of ways:

1. I get to do something I enjoy at work on the company’s dime.
2. I get to print out my reading material at work on the company’s dime (more on that later).
3. I don’t dirty my own toilet and waste my own paper.

Take a shit at work is more than just being cheap. I actually picked up the habit from a co-worker of mine who started the tradition of printing off sports articles from the Internet and then leaving them in the stall for the next pooper to read. My friend first started off printing articles by Pioneer Press sports writer Charley Walters so whenever we pass each other in the hallway one of us while say “Heading to do some Charley Walters?” which translates to “are you on your way to take a dump.

For a while, we were both leaving our Internet articles in the stall after we had departed for other poopers to enjoy. However, a few months ago, a bulletin was placed in the head asking that people not leave their reading materials in the shit can. This has I’m sure caused some poopers who consumed our reading material to be disappointed.

When seeking out stuff to ready while I’m dropping a deuce, I usually hit the following web sites:

www.pioneerpress.com (Charley Walters is my writer of choice)

www.gopherillustrated.com

www.espn.com

www.collegefootballnews.com

www.drudgereport.com

www.wikipedia.com (search for a subject of choice, ideal for afternoon dumps)

www.gamespot.com (check out video game reviews)

I consider it a bonus if I get two dumps in during one work day. I like to catch up on all my favorite web sites during my morning drop and I often times will search on Wikipedia in the afternoon for a subject of interest and use that material during my afternoon drop.

I hope that you’re able to implement some of these tips and ideas into your work pooping to make it more productive and pleasurable.

Happy Pooping!

I can't get drunk off beer...

Bull shit.

Remember that annoying frat boy that thinks he's cat's pajama's because his tolerance is "totally superhuman" ("Dude, that's wicked fly"). Apparently this debate runs farther back than I thought. Drinking beer in fact does not make you drunk - there's just not enough alcohol in that little brown bottle; instead you get "high" or as I prefer "tight as an owl."

I can see it now- "no, ociffer. i just had a few brewskis, I ain't drunk..."

That's science.

Skooal Vikings!

I know Art is a huge cheesehead, one of his many failings.

Don't choke on your Beast fatty, but the Cheddar Pope wants to play with the Queens!

Fecal Facts

Now I'm sure if you're reading this, you haven't had much experience with one night stands. But can you imagine what good looking people everywhere must suffer through every Saturday and Sunday morning? I can. Imagine waking up to the girl of your dreams, only to feel the familiar stomach rumbling and rectal contraction which foretell the coming of a gas expulsion. Do you get up and risk an escapee? Do you seal off all exits and hope the blankets suppress the seeping odor? There's no good way to deal with a situation like this. You're at code red, and when she decides she's down for round two, there will be no bigger buzz kill then dropping arse while filling hers.

That's why I think it's important for men everywhere to be aware of what you drink does to your bowel system. Using my own extensive experience with beer and it's after effects, I've attempted to complile a cheat sheet on what's hot and what's not when trying to reach College Nirvana.

Each beer will be ranked on a scale of one to five "gifts", with five obviously being the best.

Coors Light - This watery beer is the "classy" beverage of choice for novice beer drinkers. Poops can range from solid streaks to Havanna Omlets while sqeulching farts are inevitable.

Rusty's Score: Two Gifts

Budweiser - The King of Beers is a bit spendy for budget beer drinkers, but a good investment to avoid day after blue balls. This grainy, bread-like beer will solidify your poops and help you contain the day after farts. Ware the constipation fiend!

Rusty's Score: Four Gifts

Milwaukee's Best (The Beast) - A member of the "Deadly Duo" this is an absoute no no if you plan on a second round of sheet karate. Sharts are a frequent companion of this keg favorite, and as old grandpa Shakleford was fond of saying, "If the sheets are brown, she won't go down"

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Pabst Blue Ribbon - Hippies have so much other crap in their bodies, it's no wonder they don't notice the devistatation PBR will wreak on your digestive tract. This beer has a metallic aftertaste which will most certainly be remixed into air the next morning when the sheets are lifted. Think day old tuna smothered with burnt dog hair.

Rusty's Score: Two gifts

Leinikugel's Summer Shandy: A top of the line beer with top of the line taste, this tart summer special will inverse the relationship of trough dropping to panties for the better. Normalized poop relations mean minimal gastrointestianl activity. I hope you sprung for the jumbo pack of Trojans.

Rusty's Score: Five Gifts

Miller High Life (The Champaign): Completing the "Deadly Duo", this beer is to be avoided at all costs. The Tiger Woods of Air Befoulment will leave your balls aching and your eyes tearing. I recommend Orkin for your fumigation needs.

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Well, there you have it. What to drink and what to avoid if you plan on more gash lapping the day after. I'll seek to provide updates in a tireless effort to eradicate beer farts everywhere.

Do Feed the Animals

A quick update. For those who have heard of Girl Talk, his latest cd is available in a "pay as much as you want" format here.

His remixes make it possible for white people to listen to rap music without having to lock their doors and roll up their windows.

Strawberry Burps

Yum.

After driving around, looking at new computers(unfortunately a necessity following a recent break in at Man Palace Headquarters), my tum tum was looking for a little loving. Not to far from the Circuit City parking lot my accomplice and I came across a Wendy's. Glorious memories of high school nights over taken by boredom come rushing back; often combated by attempting to navigate the drive through lane backwards in a minivan or asking for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger - Toasted?

Needless to say my interest was peaked and we had to make a stop. Being a warm summer evening, all I really wanted was a satisfying Frosty. Pulling up to the drive through box, I saw that they had a new flavor - Strawberry Frosty Shake. I thought I would give it a whirl and ordered up two of those bad boys.

The Frosty was good it came with whipped cream and a cherry on top, but what came 45 minutes later was pure heaven. Sitting on the couch, minding my own business, I noticed that familiar feeling rising from my gut and up through my esophagus.

Burp.

Oh the deliciousness. Its was like eating the flavorful treat all over again with except there was no meanial chewing or monotonous toungue action. Instead airy smoothness wafted up from inside belly. Now I have long been a fan of the Chipotle burps and the spaghetti and meatballs after effects, but none can compare to the delight I received from this mouth full of Strawberry goodness.

Aside from suggesting it to anyone I meet, I can only conclude that the next big thing will be Flavored Respirators. I'm now looking for investors. Want a piece of the action? Send $10,000, made out to CASH, to Po Box 1240, Walker, MN.

FUCK THIS NOISE

I'm going to apologize right away for the tirade I'm about to go on. I'm tired, crabby, and hot, and then I read this shit on Deadspin. And although I have much better things to write about (such as the article on recent Wild signings that's been sitting in limbo for the past week) I've decided to shoot out a five-minute article which is sure to devolve into a frothy mixture of swearing and threatening of the life of one Mr. Fredrick Engh.

In short, the article blasts Little League All-Star games saying:

There’s nothing like sticking a dagger into a youngster’s self-esteem the first season he plays the sport by letting him know that he’s not good enough or considered worthy to be part of this elite group of teammates.

BOO FUCKING HOO. How fucking uptight is this guy? The reason baseball is a sport is because its COMPETITIVE. Jesus Christ. We better just make the kids from both teams go out to the pitcher's mound at the top of the 1st and hug it out, before calling it a goddamn draw.

Perhaps the paragraph that pisses me off the most is:

On top of all this, the National Standards for Youth Sports state that leagues should not engage in choosing post-season All-Star teams. The standards were put together by some of the nation’s top recreation professionals and are the true voice of reason when it comes to youth sports.

I'll give you one guess who the founder of the "National Alliance for Youth Sports," the organization that pulled these "National Standards" out of their asses, is. One Mr. Engh. Hmmm.

I don't know if I should be more mad at this assclown, or the mayor of Bumfuck Beachwood, OH, who after reading Engh's moronic ramblings, decided to CANCEL THE FUCKING ALL STAR GAME.

Engh's and Mayor Gordon's excuse of saving these poor kids' self esteem is retarded. Engh's article states that kids play sports primarily to have fun, which I absolutely agree with. That's the reason I spent 10 years of my life playing baseball. And if kids are actually having fun, they're not going to give a flying fuck if they don't make the All Star game. Oh damn, they're missing out on one five-fucking-inning Little League game. I was a half-decent player, not nearly an All-Star, but I still went every game and played to win. If these kids get their Power Rangers Pull-Ups in a bunch because they're passed over for an extra game, they don't belong in Little League. It baseball Darwinism, baby.

And the parents? If the parents are being assholes and pushing their kids to play a sport they don't want to, cancelling an All-Star game isn't going to do shit to deter that behavior. Find some other way. I don't know what... I'm not a fucking teacher. I am smart enough to realize what these two fucks don't though. Quit pushing your fucked up beliefs on us.

Engh even has a book called "Why Johnny Hates Sports." I'll tell you why Johnny hates sports. Its because Fucking Freddy took all the fun out of the game. Retard.

Mayor West Gordon (that was a subtle reference/burn...bonus points if you get it), reinstate the damn baseball game. MAN UP.

And Frederick Engh, why don't you get off your fucking high "moral" horse and BLOW ME.

America, Fuck Yeah

I know its not America Day anymore, but I don't give a shit:


http://view.break.com/530967 - Watch more free videos

I want to buy you a draaaaaaaaaaank

America is slowing down. Economically, we ranked outside of the top 25 for the first time in recorded history in Global GDP growth. Politically, campaigns are engaging in fisticuffs over podium decor and Taliban supporters. Socially, Starbucks announces they are closing shop on 600 stores, while rappers everywhere rejoice at the increased availability of this "Purple Drank".

I can't think of a single use for such a substance. Is it really necessary that those who are presumably addicted to a multitude of depressant substances continue to poison their minds?

Today while picking up trash around the pride of Minneapolis, a homeless man approached me asking for a plastic bag in which to insert all of his belongings. After chatting with him for a while about my job and his joblessness, I asked him why he didn't apply for work with the city. I expected the excuse, anything from "I'm too lazy" to "I lost my chode in 'Nam", but I didn't expect "It's no big deal, but I've just got a little 1st degree drug felony on my record, and people don't wanna hire nobody with that".

huh.

"Just a little felony" eh? Being a curious young lad, I looked up the minimum requirements to be hit with a felony possession charge, and it's pretty impressive. Lets play guess what he was possesing!

Was it:
10+ grams of cocaine?
500+ doses of a hallucinegen?
100 KILOGRAMS of marijuana?

A wonder no one wants to swap cough syrup with that guy. he could have used some too.

Just say that outloud to yourself...

In light off this story, I couldn't help but bring up the following byline in today's Star Tribune:

Gay blows field away (with wind's help)

Editors on vacation?