Babes of Euro 2008

European Soccer girls are hot.

Girls of Euro2008.

Yield

Minnesota Nice only extends so far. If you need help getting that old tub out as you remodel the bathroom, you can give me a call and I'll be over in a jiffy. If I need to borrow some tools, my shop teacher neighbor would be more than willing to lend 'em to me for a few days. If anyone winds up in the hospital for a few days, hot dish will find its way to their door in minutes. But all these niceties you can expect in our lovely North Star State are null and void once we the rubber hits the road.

Here's my issue. I have recently noticed that Minnesotans have increasingly more difficulties with this sign:

More often than not, those idiots behind the wheel treat it as one of these:

Which irritates me beyond belief, to the point where i think they should just make it into one of these:For those of you having difficulties with the visuals, try this on for size:

If oncommingcars>=1

Velocity=0

Else if oncomingcars=0

Velocity>0

Else

End

Yes, mine is bigger than yours.

Girls Suck

Proof:

Words of Wisdom

Here I sit all brokenhearted
Came to shit but only farted

There is a certain magic that encases the three metal walls of a public bathroom stall. One that prompts both creativity and clarity of the mind. I myself have brainstormed well over half of my contributions here at the Man Palace while sitting on the John. These simple messages take many forms - some good some bad.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
While wiping his chin
He said with a grin
If my ear was a vagina I'd fuck it

This is by far one of my favorites. It's witty, it rhymes - what more could one ask for. It's great for a good chuckle while trading the sports pages for the business section on the side rail. But like any other genre of great literature, along with those rare strokes of genius, there are also those with just ruin the scenery.

BOB WUZ HERE

Wow. Congrats buddy. You forgot your sharpie and instead chose to scratch away at the paint leaving nothing but straight lines formed into something resembling ancient letters, barely readable to today's higher beings. But the message you bring is like nothing I've ever heard before - it's bound to put even Steven Hawking's Latest works to shame. Perhaps you would like to start some form of guest list. Sign in, maybe leave a personal message regarding the high points of your latest bowel movements. Idiot.

Looking for a good time? Call Cindy. 320.230.9070

Hmm. Well, your friend "Cindy" didn't seem to keen on the idea of me sticking it in her bum. That's really upsetting because her deep luscious voice sounded oh so sexy on the phone as he answered, "Hello, B & K Auto Repair, What can I do for you?"

Manliest names on the PLANET!

After having a lengthy discussion about how awesome Lance Armstrong's name is I went to interwebs to find other awesome manly names. And yes, I am at work. I call this research for Gillette. And boom, I run into the 9 top manliest names in the world.

First surprise. Where is Bear Gryls? An obvious oversight. And how about Wolf Blitzer? Another fail.

Hands down, my favorite manly name is Dick Pound. Call me inappropriate, but that's just too funny. Second place is Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster. Is this for real? Plus, he's in the army.

Up to the Challenge, Pt. 1

One of the websites I check every day is the Weblist. Its basically a feed aggregator of Digg, Reddit, and a bunch of other websites. Its good for finding random cool websites and videos of people getting a one way ticket to hell.

The other day, I found a website called simply "One Hundred Pushups," which is a guide to being able to do 100 pushups in a row within 6 weeks. To say that I am not the healthiest person ever is definitely not a lie. And while throwing the baseball around in the park this afternoon with the founding fathers of the Man Palace, shirtless because of how beautiful it was (ladies, try not to get too excited. There's plenty of me to go around), I realized maybe a few pushups wouldn't hurt.

While the regiment doesn't look to difficult at first glance, I may have overestimated my abilities. To set a baseline, you're supposed to simply do as many pushups as you can before you collapse in exhaustion. "Psssshhhhhh...minimum 20, most likely 35, possibly up to 45" is what went through my head. Fourteen pushups later, my arms were wobbling like the supports of the 35W bridge (too soon?) and I gave up. The fact that it took upwards of 45 minutes to regain the feeling in my arms is making me think that maybe this will be a little harder than I imagined.

But I'm up for it. At least until I get bored with it. But until that happens, I'll update all of you on my progress and whether or not this thing actually works. Because I know you guys care so much...

Freedom!

Sorry for the lengthy absence folks. I know all four of our readers have missed my often misspelled banter which frequently sacrifices brevity for poop jokes.

The last several months have been the deep breath before my plunge into hell, and with it a lifetime of billing hours and banging paralegals. Although I may not have been relieved of my testicles, the torture I have endured has been agonizing and often times infuriating. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I have been studying for the LSAT (I also have a name for my penis).

Do you like word puzzles? writing 1,000 words on vague prompts? figuring out who takes the red car on tuesday when sally takes the blue car on every other wednesday? Then you are one sick fuck. and I have the perfect experience for you.

The LSAT, more commonly known as the Law School Admission exam is an excruciating five hour long pig fuck which presumably tests a students future ability to succeed in law school. This is a lie. If you ask any JD holder or have seen the movie Paper Chase you know that the only attributes you need are the following:

1. An insatiable appetite for pain
2. A total disregard for the welfare of your fellow man
3. No sex drive.

Since I have two of the three, I'm good to go. So wish me luck tomorrow as I make a driving schedule for the fucking Brady Bunch, and consider the suicide properties of the #2 pencil.

College World Series

One of my favorite sporting events began today. I’m referring to the College World Series, an eight team, double elimination tournament that takes place in Omaha, Nebraska each June to decide the champion of college baseball. I have no idea why the tournament is held in Omaha, I guess something has to be held in Nebraska. All games in the tournament are telecast on the ESPN family of networks.

College baseball is no where near as popular as college football or college basketball making it more of a niche sport that doesn’t have a big time TV contract or a national following. It is somewhat surprising that college baseball isn’t that popular considering the popularity of Major League Baseball. I think some of the reasons college baseball isn’t that popular is because it’s more of a regional sport. The teams from the south and the west seem to dominate. The Minnesota Gophers do have a prominent college baseball program, producing three national champions and several legendary players such as Dave Winfield and Paul Molitor. On the flip side, the Gophers haven’t been to the College World Series since 1977 and no Big Ten team has been to Omaha since 1984 (Michigan and Barry Larkin). Recent changes in NCAA baseball rules have been designed to even the playing field between the teams from all regions of the country by enforcing a uniform start date to the season. In past years, teams in warm climates would begin their season as early as late January, giving them a jump on the season over teams from cold climates. Although, the last two national championships have been won by Oregon State, a school considered to be from the north.

Another reason college baseball is not popular is the use of aluminum bats. I feel this makes the game more fun. Hitting with an aluminum bat allows for some wicked hits and high scoring games. In recent years, there have been rule changes that have toned down the bats to curve the number of home runs hit in games. As recent as 1998, Arizona State scored two touchdowns yet lost the national championship to USC who put up three touchdowns (21-14). Still, it is not uncommon to see players hitting over .400 on every team.

For the next week, you can watch college baseball on national TV. Give it a shot.

I Almost Drowned Last Night

Weeknight drinking is fun. The next day at work isn't. At least until 11 o'clock when the hazy vision finally clears and the headache disappears.

To christen Rusty and Art's new free grill (fuck yeah, Craigslist), the Man Palace editorial staff and a couple of our biggest fans gathered at HQ to cook up some pork chops, eat some chips, and play some beer pong. After the food, the real festivities began. Yesterday being one of the few days in recent memory where we haven't gotten six inches of rain, we decided to play some outdoor pong (wind conditions make it a totally different experience). After my partner and I won 3 games by a cup before losing by a cup, I was somewhat intoxicated.

After someone had the bright idea to call 93X and request, of all songs, Eye of the Tiger (the intern phone screener's reply: "We don't play shit."), we decided it was a good idea to climb the ladder onto the roof of the garage. Beer in hand, we sat up there, looking at the "stars" and shooting the breeze. In my infinite smoothness, I leaned back to get the last gulp of Primo out of the bottle, only to spill it all over my face. Since I was leaning back, it went up my nose, which made me gasp and inhale. I've heard of people drowning in a couple of inches of water when they were drunk, but to drown by splashing beer into your own face would just be fucking sad. Luckily, I didn't die.

Actually, Art came much closer to death than I did when, after telling everyone that the ladder wasn't stable, and being told to "man up" (probably by me), the ladder promptly started sliding out from under him. It eventually caught, but not before he skinned his leg all to hell. Not my fault, though. I swear.

All in all, it was a good way to start the grilling season. I have a feeling there will be more instances of weekday drinking this summer.

Testicular Televison

Remember when Spike TV came out, promising to be Man's cable destination? No? Well, that was their mission when they were still young and naive. Since then, its devolved into shitty hot-rod shows and constant reruns of CSI. That crap is soooo 2001. MXC was their only shining light, and even that has gotten old.

Hell, even G4, a decidedly gaming nerd oriented cable network has come up with some pretty badass shows, the most badass among them being Ninja Warrior. Those Japanese sure know how to make an obstacle course.

However, somewhat surprisingly, the newest frontrunner in manly TV turns out to be none other than the Discovery Channel. Who'da thunk? They have had Shark Week forever, and the only thing manlier than a great white shark would be a bear holding a shark. Although lately, Discovery, and its sister station the Hitler History Channel, have been upping the ante.

The best show on Discovery is easily Deadliest Catch, which according to the Strib, is now the number 3 rated show on all of television, not just cable, on Tuesday nights. Just for a cable show to make the top 10 rated shows on any particular night is a pretty impressive.

The show follows crab fisherman in the Bering Sea during the King Crab and Opelio seasons. And although it may not sound any more interesting than those Sunday morning fishing shows, throw 40 ft waves and ice into the mix, and you've got yourself a show. The Strib sums it up pretty good:

The folks are mostly men, all rugged, real and capable, proof that Americans can still live by their wits and the strength in their callused, competent hands. Call it testicular television.

Also, the fact that these guys can make more than a luscious $40K in less than two weeks of work adds some excitment.

These types of shows are really driven by the men themselves. These are the types of guys who bite the heads off fish (literally...its a pre-season tradition on one of the boats) and eat their shredded wheat without any milk (see previous post). Sig Hansen is probably the biggest badass of them all, mainly because he's Norwegian. And because they've never shown him sleep on the show, which leads me to believe that he actually doesn't during the season.

Other manly shows on Discovery and History are Dirty Jobs (Mike Rowe is a stud), Ice Road Truckers, and Ax Men. All are worth at least checking out for a quick fix of testosterone in a pinch. The women can have their network TV with Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and Top Model. I'll continue paying for the good stuff.

Well, technically I guess cable is included in my rent...

'Nuff Said

WNBA

To the dismay of many, this post involves professional basketball. Something I thought I would never bring up again. Those appalled by this please skip to the last two paragraphs.

I enter the men's room this afternoon around 3:15 pm. Squatting down to what was anticipated to be a great release of digested Cheesy Broccoli Rice, I reached for the sports section. Unfurling it, I was disappointed to see more coverage of Professional basketball. But what is this? All these athletes have ponytails... And this one looks familiar...

Hmm... She used to wear Maroon and Gold in the Pam Borton's Lady Gopher Basketball Squad. Apparently she now takes up residence in Connecticut and plays for the Suns(they couldn't be from Phoenix now could they?). Needless to say the Suns dominated the Lynx for the second time this season. And that is about all the knowledge about womens professional basketball I can impart with you. Never Again.

But wait... Isn't there a certain men's basketball league in the midst of a championship series? Oh, they're there on the sidebar; I was hoping I had missed it. Almost didn't see you there, Kobe(Sidenote: Jimmy Kimmel just informed me the Lakers man is good friends with David Bekham - my respect for the footballer just declined five Schrute Bucks and a Stanley Nickel).

Hold on, I think I remember hearing something about another big tournament in Austria and Switzerland. One that is so manly, they don't even invite us pussies in the Americas to participate in. Oh hear is is on the bottom of page 7! This football tournament, only held every four years, called the EuroCUP has been underway for almost a week? Huh, who would have thought? As a soccer fan in the United States, the mainstream press sure makes it difficult for me to keep up with what the other 95% of the world is watching. Where are the priorities people?

And what a game we are missing. No getting bored of two weeks worth of championship games. You only get 90 minutes. No coming back the next night for a rematch. Such style, such grace and the occasional headbutt. My prediction: Croatia sneaks into the final only to be defeated by Spain 2-1. You heard it here first.

Summertime, and the living's easy

With the weather the way it is in Minnesota, one can never be sure when the seasons are really going to change, but this past weekend has convinced me that summer is here to stay. Yes, I made my first pilgrimage to Shady Oak Beach and had a wonderful time. While I was there though, I came to a realization. This summer is going to be much different than those in recent history. For one, many of my good friends are not returning from their respective colleges. I will not be living at home for the summer - no more free room and board. The biggest change will be working the good old nine to five, real world job. No more living in the lap of luxury that was lifeguarding in the sunshine all day. Going to work used to mean making sure I had enough sunscreen to keep from turning into a tomato; now it seems my pale white ass will need to take in rays every chance it get in order to not blind those who see me in my speedo.

With all these realizations, I have decided that I needed a list. A list of things that must happen this summer - to keep me from falling into a monotonous schedule and make things a little exciting. Many of these items will fall under the category of Manly and therefore I wanted to share my list with you. I am open to suggestions and will certainly be updating as the summer wears on.

1) Work out. Yes my body has fallen into disarray; my muscles have atrophied to the point that lifting a gallon of milk seems like exercise. So, I look forward to finding a free weight set off of Craigslist and going to town on that thing until I'm ready to "pump you up" - Hans and Frans style.

2) Camp. A lot. As a man, I enjoy the great outdoors a great deal. I hope to take a few weekend trips around the state visiting some of the States amazing state parks. I also suggest the apostle island to anyone looking for a nice getaway.

3) Build things. The Man Palace has decided that we are in need of one of those beanbag toss things that we see everyone playing while tailgating Gopher Football games. Apparently its called "cornholing" - insert obscene comment here - but we found some decent plans here. I feel we are possibly in need of a new beer pong table, perhaps something with legs to replace the dining room table we will be parting ways with; and this time we will definitely add the clear coat.

4) Blow stuff up. Along with building fires watching things go boom has been a passion of mine for quite a while. My new fuel of choice, Methylated Spirits(like isopropyl alcohol except cheaper), can be found at the Home Depot. I'm sure there will be future posts with pics and video of our various exploits.

5) Hit the beach. Just because I no longer work there, doesn't mean I won't be frequenting the beach on the weekends. Now I can wreak havoc without worrying about being told I have no soul(a story for another day).

6) Mow the lawn. Not excited about this one, but now that we've got a house and the grass has reached knee-height, it's time to do something.

7) Grill. Very Manly. There is nothing like a beer and a burger or pork chops on a nice summer evening. We are currently looking into a new grill to replace the failing weber that is on it's last leg(quite literally). I look forward to expanding my gilling skills beyond the brat and burger realm; perhaps corn on the cob and lamb chops? Mmm, I can almost taste it now.