Turn your head and cough

I hate going to see the doctor. I avoid it at all costs. If I get sick, I tough it out; if I have a problem, I hope it goes away. Needless to say, there comes a point when a man needs to suck it up and drop in for a checkup. This past week, I found myself in such a situation. I needed a sports physical for school and new meds for the upcoming allergy season so on Monday, I headed on into the clinic

Before I had a chance to fill out the three or four forms I was immediately asked to complete, I was being herded around the office, removing my shoes and stepping on scales so they could see how my college diet of beer and pizza had affected my height and weight. They took my blood pressure and temperature, none of this was new. This time around, I was unfazed when they asked me to undress "down to my shorts." I even took on the Doc's cold fingers on my junk without flinching while keeping the right equilibrium of hardness between a shrivelled, pencil prick and an all out boner(it's tough i know, but you don't want the old guy to get the wrong idea). They checked my eyes and ears, took a sample of my blood and had me pee in a cup.

Then we got into the health questionnaire portion. The Doc started asking the standard questions and I gave half hearted answers:
"Do you exercise?"
-"When it's nice outside."

"Do you do any illegal drugs?"
-No. (Did you really expect a different answer?)

"Do you smoke?"
-Gross.

"Have had more than five drinks a day in the past year? If so how many?"
-Yeah...three?

"How many day a week do you drink alcohol?"
-One...

After avoiding these questions like a champ, not giving to much away but not being too clean to arouse suspicion, I get thrown a curve ball.

"Are you happy with your appearance?"
-Well the pimples have finally subsided; I wouldn't mind a little more facial hair.

"Are you happy with your weight?"
-Umm, yeah I guess.

"Do continue to participate in activities you enjoy?"
"Do you ever feel uncontrollably depressed?"
-Seriously?

Each of these questions I had never heard from my physician before. While I answered each one, he looked me in the eye as if he half expected me to lunge for the sharps container at and stick whatever I could find into my jugular in hopes of not having to wake up the next day. I do not know how long this has been a standard practice among family medicine practitioners but it took me by surprise. I have, until now, been unaware of so much ado about the importance of mental health and body image. The problem has been all over the media; we are constantly reminded that Barbie is slowly killing our little girls but the proactive approach was new to me.

As awkward as it was, I can see how it may be a good idea for some people but I also wonder how effective these screenings can be. I trust my doctor to keep me in good physical standing. I will tell him if I have aches or pains or if I have an abnormally itchy rash on my thunder down under but would I tell him that I feel bad about being fat? Would I tell him how much I hate it when the other kids make fun of me? I see him once every two years to get prescriptions renewed; Does that create such a bond that I feel comfortable bearing my inner feelings? I think not. Nice try though.

Maybe the better qualified people would be those that have daily interactions with the individual. Keep the sappy stuff for the school counselor who becomes concerned over my irrational behavior. Was there is any underlying reason why I chose to glue the hair of the idiot who fell asleep sitting in front of me to the desk? Perhaps I am reaching out and expressing my emotions in an destructive manner. Hmm. Or I got pissed because he spilled red Kool-Ade all over my white Ninja Turtles t-shirt. And his mom always packs him a Snack Pack and I'm stuck with cinnamon applesauce. 'Nuff said.

In case you were wondering, I can still see 20/15 in both eyes and I heard every single one of those annoying pings from the red and blue hard plastic head phones. "An undeniable stallion of health" as they put it. Their words not mine.