Kama Sutra for the Porcelain Throne

Today my friends, you are in for a special treat. Although the title was catchy and quite clever if I do say so myself, this will not be an explanation of the various ways to carryout your fantasies of getting jiggy on the john; as much as the amateur porn industry would like you to believe this act is normal - maybe even kinky - I find nothing arousing about shooting my wad in the same location where I drop a deuce. While I do not condone making happy time on the toilet, I do feel there are a few key positions for when you're letting that turtle head make its way to the pond. As you will learn, various positions can come in handy in certain situations. So without further ado, my top five ways to pinch a loaf:

1) The Thinker

The Thinker is quite possibly my favorite day to day squatting position. This configuration involves putting both feet flat on the floor, one arm lax on its corresponding knee while the other hand supports the chin connecting with the elbow resting on its respective knee. I find this manipulation of my body to be a catalyst for pondering life, the universe and everything. The Thinker can be easily modified to accommodate the occasional newspaper by resting both elbows on their respective knees and holding the paper out in front of you.

2) Soldier Boy

YOOOUUUUU!!!!1! No really, nothing to do with the second best rap song ever created (for first see:Soldier Girl). The whole idea of a soldier standing at attention is what I'm going for here. In this position the user sits up straight, shoulders back pretending their head is suspended from a string - just the way your elementary choir teacher always told you. I have found this position to be very helpful if I'm in a hurry, I've over sized cargo I need to unload or I'm getting rid of the remnants of that Crave Case of Sliders. The alignment of the exit tubes and the added help of gravity make sure getting it all out is a breeze.

3) The Royale (with Cheese)

Every once in a while I get that feeling, as I'm walking towards the little boy's room, that I am the man. I am going to take a dump and I don't care who knows it; I may strut a little bit and have a smirk on my face as if to say, "Don't expect to see me for 15 minutes; hell, I may go half an hour!" Then I plop my self down and take it all in. If you are ever feeling this righteously divine, I suggest leaning back against that gleaming tank (at work this will be a three-inch metal pipe with a six inch cap at the top) and put your arms up on those handicap rails. Yes, this is shitting in style. Pass the escargot and while you're at it, I would love a silk hanky to wipe my ass with. No cheese required. Caution: Leaning back on a pipe that has collected condensation on a humid day will leave a tell-tale embarrassing mark.

4) SNAFU

Then come the days when nothing is going right. The Chipotle burrito was good going in but just burns the sphincter on the way out. I find myself in this position most often while experiencing cases of food poisoning and Giardia(see:Green-Frothy-Explosive-Diarrhea). In this situation, all you can do is bend over and grab your ankles and take(or in this case expel) it. Caution: Do not fall asleep in this position; you will take a header into the bathtub/tile floor and worse, your ass will still be coated with those undigested kernels of corn.

5) The Paul Bunyan

For this position, I would like to take a field trip and explain what needs to happen when you must relieve yourself in the great outdoors. When without a decent Red Roof Inn, I suggest finding a dry sturdy log, have a seat and hang your ass just far enough off of the back end to clear the bark on the other side. Option two is to drop your pants completely and squat like Lassie(this can be modified by holding a tree firmly in your hands to balance yourself as you hold a sitting position out over the open hole). Remember folks, always dig a pit and bury your remains. The rest of the human population is still trying to grasp stepping in a dog turd, they don't need the added stress of questioning that Baby Ruths origin.