We're kinda a big deal

So three and a half years have come and gone; my time as a student at the great University of Minnesota will soon be coming to an end. With that in mind, I like to believe I've left my mark on the fabric of campus history. I like to believe that my interactions with others around me has made a positive impact. But most of all I want to believe that I was kinda a big deal. Deep down we all want it; we want to know that somewhere someone is thinking, "Do you remember when those guys did that sweet thing at that place?"

This concept came to me in a rare spurt of surfing the interwebs in a non-lube-involved manner and I can assure you that we are a big deal. This site has gained in popularity beyond that which we had considered(meaning more than we three read this thing). We have readership stemming from every continent on earth - save the one with all the penguins. Most but not least, clicking on the I'm feeling lucky button when googling "man palace" leads any curious individual straight here. Clearly, we are the epitome of all that is man.

Again while doing some mindless web wandering, I came across this gem over at PPI Sports products. That would be us, three of the founding fathers of The Man Palace, front and center. It appears our Gopher Sports fandom has made us poster children for the "Inflatable Spirit Finger"- not a bad title to have if I do say I so myself.

Some might call this bragging and I shamefully admit that it is. The thing that interests me the most is how without trying our actions have somewhat unknowingly left that mark that I've been talking about. Our interactions are forever inscribed on the minds of so many people around us and not around us. I'm not sure if this is exciting or bothersome, but probably both. The fact that AEGA has been dubbed Santa by security in Mary's Hoochie or that Rusty went and bitched about student tickets in a private meeting with Joel Mat just makes me feel proud to be amoung such fine men.

Titillating Televsion

Now that I've graduated I have an enormous amount of time on my hands. Here's a break down of a few shows I've been taking in recently.

Entourage - Billed as a "Sex and the City" for men, this show takes you inside the life of movie star Vincent Chase and his loser friends.

Plot - 7 - Masturbation jokes: Check. Major movie sets: Check. Phil Michelson cameo: Check. At times the plot can get stale with the constant hiccups and awkward season endings, but it still makes me wish I had dreamy blue eyes and zero intelligence.

T&A - 10 - Vince and co. are immersed into world of treasures. Guest appearances ranging from Scarlett Johansson to Jamie Lynn Sigler, be sure to keep the KY close at hand.

Replay Value - 8 - Although cliffhangers are common and a second time through isn't as suspenseful, this frees you up to take in the... uh... artistic genius of the female co-stars.

Overall - 9. Great show, I've watched it through a couple of times. My only complaint as of late are the jarringly short seasons. Johnny Drama and Ari are two of my favorite characters, you'll be hard pressed to not begin calling perfect strangers "cunt muscle".


The Wire - The end all be all of cop shows, this hard hitting drama makes Baltimore a no-fly zone for anyone interested in keeping all of their limbs.

Plot - 7 - Seasons follow an upward sloping pattern, always culminating in a three to four episode flourish of fast paced action. Have patience for the first 10 episodes, you won't be disappointed.

T&A - 3 - Unless you like mid 40's lesbians, your boner will up and run away.

Replay Value - 9 - Character development is fascinating to watch and when you already known what's happening on both sides of the aisle, there aren't too many surprises to be ruined.

Overall - 7 - A very dark show, worth a watch but have some prozak standing by.

Friday Night Lights - A primer on texas high school football, follows the lives of those surrounding the program in a small town.

Plot - 6 - Lots of drama, predictable cliff hangers. The pilot is a rip off from Varsity Blues, but the season plays out an interesting angle. In season two, make sure you have some ear plugs because the women start screeching and it can get pretty painful.

T&A - 8 - Taking a page from the OC, the producers put girls aged 28 into the roles of 17 year olds. They look young, but they're really not. That makes it all ok right?

Replay Value - 5 - Although not many surprises to be ruined upon a second viewing, this stems from the lack of value the first time around.

Overall - 5 - Although the eye candy is a definite plus, I found myself doing things in other tabs and missing the show in an effort to avoid the ear grating dialogue/acting.

Wait wait wait... free.... beer?

I suggest that our loyal reader base hits this early and often.

C in MMVIII

If you will kindly look to the right and down, to our Blog Archive, you will see a number next to the year 2008. A THREE DIGIT NUMBER, MOTHAFUCKAHS! The Man Palace has surpassed 100 posts, cuz that's just how awesome we are. I'll admit, when this blog started on April 22, 2008, I was worried that the stream of posts would slowly become a trickle and eventually dry up (and it's nearly happened on occasion, but thankfully it's bounced back). So here's to all the Man Palace contributors...Let's drink. Heavily.

uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh what the hell?

I don't understand. Did Childress bump his head or something? Was there a noise during coaching school when they taught how to coach?

Seven fumbles. Seven FUCKING FUMBLES! God I don't know why I do it to myself. I stopped watching professional football for a reason. Nevermind that reason was I was often too hung over to stand the bright screen on sundays, it was a reason. And now this. I stumble down the stairs to take in the crystal clear picture provided by my digital converter box, and I am treated to a comedy of errors.

Ugh.

Not That Guy

Diamond commercials drive me nuts. As I settle down for two weeks of football and gifts my time of bliss is marred by these agregious man code violatoins. First we've got the deaf chick who is professing her new found love after being on the receiving end of the third mortgage on her man's house. What's ASL for "gold digger"? Or there's the chick who likes to shout with her friend about some ass hole named Jared who makes over priced jewlery. Burn in hell cunt muscle. While I ordinarily mute, shout at or ignore the tv while these are on, this commercial caught my eye.



I can safely say that Helzberg Diamond is now the official diamond provider of the The Man Palace.

Heaven is a place on earth

And that place is in the warm embrace of E.A.

This Is Highly Illegal

...as far as the rules of the blogosphere go, but I'm posting another picture from nhLOL because its just too perfect considering the current elephant in the room...

It seems Gabby is practicing again, which means that maybe the Wild can finally get some talent for him. Spezza would be nice...

Kudos again to nhLOL

I Just Blue Myself

The genius minds over at nhLOL have produced comic gold:

Make sure to pay the site a visit. EVERY DAY. Go now.

Go!

Bowling for Tempe

Last night I raced home from my graduation dinner fully intent on taking in three hours of glorious, glorious college football in the waning moments of the season. I was energized by the fact that my team, the Golden Gophers of Minnesota have surprised the nation and somehow backed into a bowl game after finishing 1-11 last year. As I violently swerved in and out of traffic, my mind was ruminating over which after-Christmas destination those suited money managers had in store for me.

Would it be Orlando and Mickey's Playground? (sounds kind of like a strip club)
Tempe and a flock of old people?
Motor City and a glock nine in my rib cage?

Once again, the football gods seemed to have shined their fickle charm on my boys and selected us for the sunny (and warm) confines of Sun Devil Stadium, also known as Ground Zero for the Grinster's last stand. Now what opportunities does this open for our program?

1. Redemption - No one likes to close the season getting shut out by your hated rival in your own house. Regardless of the side action, the last match of the regular season was a game where no one was a winner. The Minnesota fans were forced to see a complete evisceration of an offense, while the Corn Bird fans were again resigned to return to Iowa. Adding a final game to the season gives us the opportunity to, well, score some points.

2. Impregnate Lindsay Soto - Rusty's BotW for now will be doing the sideline coverage for the game. Pac Man down wit dat.

3. Road Tilt Tempe - pile into the jetta, make some poop jokes and tear up Nebraska like it's... uh... 1850 or something.

4. 15 more practices - Following the debacle in Kinnick North, o-line coach Phil Meyer kindly showed himself the door. Brother Brewster immediately filled the miniscule void with Tim Davis, a tenacious recruiter who cut his teeth in minor programs like USC, Alabama and the Miami Dolphins. Davis promises to bring a more smash mouth approach to the running game by putting our blockers in the three point stance and instilling an under-center option. The 15 extra practices given to our team will be invaluable moving forward towards 2009.

5. Continual supervision - When Orson Swindle fires up the Fulmer Cup again, it will invariably include the names of players who stayed home for New Years and found themselves in a spot of trouble. Bringing everyone along for the celebrations ensures we keep everyone out the police blotter, unlike Herky Birds.

There you have it, I'm clearly fired up enough about the bowl to come out of my four month blogging hiatus. Lets dial it up!

Joe Pa

The best part of the full commercial:

Edit: Now its the full commercial. Previous clip got C&D'ed.

Time to Rename This Blog...

To the "All About Gabby" blog. It may seem like that's all I think about, and it's probably correct. But its news, and that's what I'm here to "report." Anyways, the Wild might trade Gabby, who by the way is still injured, very soon. Also, from the Strib:

Ottawa and the Rangers are two teams that could make sense for a potential Marian Gaborik trade. Bryan Murray, Ottawa’s GM, loves making blockbusters, and Rangers GM Glen Sather is buddy buddy with Risebrough.

This shit is getting to be worse than a soap opera.

He Lives

So apparently Marian Gaborik is alive...and he even skated a little!

God Help The Devils...

If backup goalie Kevin Weekes gets injured. Because then former Gopher phenom Jeff "Brick Wall" Frazee will get his first NHL playing time.

Edit: It's gotten even worse for the Devils...

The Verge of Suicide

God fucking dammit

Bye Bye Gabby

Marian Gaborik's contract is up at the end of the season. In case that means nothing to you, the Slovak Sensation is the leading scorer in Wild history and has been on the team since the first game in 2000. He's the star.

But if the Minnesota Wild organization is to be believed, the Slovak Sensation really doesn't want to play with the Wild anymore. And I tend to believe them. Apparently he's had enough of the State of Hockey.

According to the Wild GM Doug Risebrough via the Strib:

The Wild has indicated it's offering Gaborik a long-term contract in line with the highest-paid players in the NHL

What this means is that the Wild have most likely offered Gaborik a five to eight year deal worth somewhere in the ballpark of $8.5 million a year. And he's turned it down.

Now, Gabby is an amazing player, in the upper echelon among NHL athletes, but he is not worth quite that much money. Since Gaborik has missed 73 games in the last four seasons due to injury (and is already sidelined with an unspecified injury two games into this season), any other team in the NHL should be wary of signing him for $9 million a year. At that salary, the team would be wasting $109,700 per missed game. And since Gaborik has only been averaging about 68 games a season since he joined the NHL, at even $109,700 a game, he should only be making about $7.5 million a year.

So it boils down to a couple options:
A) Gaborik doesn't want to play in Minnesota and wants to go to a Stanley Cup contender
B) Gaborik just has an ego problem and thinks he's worth more than he is
or C) Gaborik's agent, Ron Salcer, is a completely unrealistic bastard

The Wild should be taking some blame here. Losing many of your best players from last year (Rolston, Demitra, Voros, etc, etc) certainly doesn't make your star player want to stick around. Brilliant move there, Risebrough.

No matter who's to blame, the Wild need to act fast. If they can't hammer out this deal (and since talks have stopped, that looks improbable) they need to trade Gaborik quick to get something good out of it. If the Wild wait until the trade deadline or until Gaborik gets hurt again, they going to get completely ass-fucked on a deal.

And don't trade him to Vancouver...

Oh The Irony

I'm currently watching game 3 of the NLCS. After both the Dodgers and Phillies brushed back batters, the benches cleared and a brawl nearly broke out. During the ensuing commercial break, the MLB played a commercial depicting two Little League teams wearing Dodger and Phillies uniforms shaking hands saying "Good game." I think they were showing how baseball players are good sports. Somehow, I don't think that's actually going to happen at the end of this game. Or if it does, it might end up like this:

Let's Play Hockey

The time between June and October should be a happy time - summer has arrived, school is out, and the lookin' is good down at Lake Calhoun. But I often find myself with a hole in my heart, longing for something more. A sheet of ice with 10 dudes kicking the shit out of each other. Thank god that hole in my heart is filled again. The NHL started up the regular season on Thursday and the Wild played their first game on Friday against the Bruins. The Wild looked pretty rusty the first period of play, but gelled the rest of the game. Though they lost a lot of amazing players, there's some good young talent that will problaby need some time to develop, but I think eventually they'll be pretty damn good.

Now the only problem is that I have to wait another 2 months to actually play hockey myself.

The goal chant is cool, but it gets old the 4th time in a row within 30 seconds...

Bathroom Talk

How every men's bathroom should be...
Two sports sections and two business sections - a good half-hour of "me time."

Buck the Fuckeyes - The Live Blog

Fail.

Pops always taught me to aim low and avoid disappointment. Unfortunately, this is just not plausible when considering high level collegiate or professional sports. These athletes make a living out of doing one thing, whether it is hitting a ball with a bat, catching a conal object formed of pigskin or just running in a straight line a lot.

Lots of these athletes make their job look easy. Some make it look hard.

In this spirit, we introduce the Lee Campbell Award for Underachievement. Nominate your favorite athlete (or team) who continually confounds expectations by blowing big games, or taking it upon himself to fail at sports.



Named for the starting linebacker of the Golden Gopher Football teams, a nominee should continue his proud tradition of blowing lane assignments, missing tackles and astoundingly continuing to talk trash.

The Polls are open!

Buck the Fuckeyes!

Tomorrow has been billed as the biggest day in Jim Brewster's short tenure here at the U. The Buck's are down, and their shellacking at the hands of USC looks even worse now that the fiends of Corvallis have broken the Condoms.

Regardless, tomorrow won't be pretty. Here are my predictions.

1. Decker is shut down. Weber throws at least one pick trying to force it into double teams, and then takes multiple sacks while pausing to look up his check downs.

2. Pryor celebrates his coming out party. Against a "legitimate" opponent, he makes Hightower, Campbell and co. look silly, rushing for over 100 yards and two touchdowns. Mark May and Lou Holthhhhh become inexoriably sexually intertwined in a mad dash to lavish praise.

3. Troy Stoudemire houses one. The lone brightspot in the game keeps me watching for another five minutes.

4. Buckeyes win 38-14. Fat Pat pens an article which contains the word "cupcakes" 15 times.

I'll have a live blog up tomorrow until the Gophers go down by three scores.

HOCKEY!

I knew there was a reason I liked Maxim, other than the obvious. They just released a list of 10 reasons to be excited about the NHL. And nowadays, any media outlet that doesn't bash hockey is A-OK in my book.

One thing I found striking - the Canadiens have been around for 100 years. But even more interesting, they've won 24 Stanley Cups in that timespan. And considering the last time the Habs won the Cup was 1993, before that year, they were winning a Stanley Cup on average every 3.5 years. That's more often than I get laid.

And also, Sean Avery is a pile of shit.

JYD's in C-Bus

The Dogs are at the door to the meat house this week in the Horse Shoe. Will they break it down?

Glen Mason will be serving as the Honorary Captain for the Bucks. In the words of the great Stu Bickel: "Real fucking classy!".

The guys over at The Daily Gopher has penned this thought provoking piece.

If the Gopher's win this weekend, Clark will be arrested for aggravated battery against the Grinster. I will also be hospitalized for alcohol poisoning.

What will happen to you?

The Final Countdown

Tonight's the night.

The first game of the Twins-Sox series is nearly an hour away. If the Twins want any chance of losing embarrassingly to Tampa Bay in the first round of the playoffs, they're going to have to win 2 of 3 against Chicago. More than likely, they'll have to sweep.

I'll be honest. It's hard to be optimistic after the run the Twins have been on. But I'm trying to remind myself that the majority of those losses came on the road, so there may still be hope in these last 6 home games.

But only if the pitching comes through...

Teh Monos, or, How My Last 3 Weeks of Summer Sucked Donkey Dick

"Where the hell is AEGA?" I'm sure you've all been asking yourself. "His posts are the only reason I read this shitty blog. Rusty and Art suck donkey dick." I know, I know. And I apologize for my prolonged absence from the tubes, but I have very good lies reasons. You see, I was busy helping chronically ill children (I'm single and terribly handsome, ladies) before finding out I had mono the day after returning from helping said children (ladies, did I also mention I am now disease free?). And let me tell you, mono sucks major donkey dick. It pained me to think about what my dear readers were going through in my absence, but with my lymph nodes being swollen to the point that I looked like a frog trying to impress that hot, slutty little number across the pond, I was unable to make it out of bed to type one of my always impressive entries.

Since I haven't posted in over a month, I've missed out on a lot of bitching and preaching. So I'm going to let it all out now. Prepare yourself...

Notre Dame sucks donkey dick. Seeing them beat Michigan was not a pleasant experience, and I was somewhat surprised to not see my roommate hanging from the ceiling fan when I got home, being the rabid Wolverine fan he is. The one consoling aspect of the game was seeing Fat Charlie get fucked up by his own player.

Take that, lardo. I think instead of fucking morons being worried about the Large Hadron Collider creating a black hole and killing us all, they should be worried about Charlie Weiss collapsing into a black hole due to his massive gravity.

I was unable to attend the first two home games of the Gophers historic last season in the Humpty Dump due to being ill. However, I will be there this weekend when the Gophs take on the powerhouse known as Florida Atlantic University, and I'll be making up for those two lost weeks. But I am getting shivers and flashing back to Ernie Wheelhouse and Jim Brewster losing on the road last season. Though many point to the Gopher's 3-0 record as being the result of a first-half cupcake schedule (and they're completely right), the Gophers are definitely a better team this year, mainly due to Weber having much better control and making fewer mistakes. And also, TCF Bank Stadium is really taking shape. Every time I drive by it, I get a semi.

Side note: 6 days until the start of the NHL preseason, 20 until the regular season. Go Wild!

Last point, its about time Childress pulled his head out of his ass and benched Tartar Sauce. Tarvaris Jackson sucks donkey dick, and I've been saying it since the offseason. The fact that I was right is sad, I know shit about football and strategy. I'll admit it. How this was glaringly obvious to me, but not the guy getting paid millions to run this shithole of an organization is beyond me. Everyone told me TJax would be fine and I have no faith (OK, it was just my roommate, but fuck it anyways). Not that I think Frerotte will fix all our problems, either. The Vikings should've gotten a goddamn quarterback in the offseason, and they should try and get Jeff Garcia now. He may not be an outstanding MVP QB, but he's better than what we have now. Fuck. All this talk about Tartar Sauce makes me want some fish sticks.

Only 5 "donkey dicks." Disappointing.

Thank you may I have another?

Joe Biden wants your money!!!

Yesterday at a campaign rally, Biden revealed his ineptitude for discussing anything besides divying up Iraq into awkward, warring sections.

Refering to those with household incomes over $250,000, Biden exlaimed:

"It's time to be patriotic ... time to jump in, time to be part of the deal, time to help get America out of the rut."

I just have one thing to say to all of you rich people out there:

How DARE you.

People like:

Barack Obama
Bill Gates
Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf
The President

How dare you even call yourselves American. Pay up!

7 O'clock Crazies

First Week Thoughts

The only thing that surprised/delighted me about the first week of college football in eight months was watching Dick Rod get pounded by the Utes.

After a week of play, this is my Big 10 predicted order of finish:

1. Ohio State
2. Penn State
3. Wisconsin
4. Michigan State
5. Illinois
6. Michigan
7. Purdue
8. Iowa
9. Indiana
10. Northwestern
11. Minnesota

I hate to say it, but in my book we're only sending one team to the BCS. I don't think the Big 10 is strong enough this year nor Penn State's OC schedule tough enough to get them in with two+ losses.

Travis Beckum can suck my left nut. Jack Simmons is the premiere tight end in the Big 10.

I'm just glad Michigan State got their choking out of the way. I'm so fucking tired of the pundits hyping State year after year until they implode with the dignity of a dying star two weeks into the Big 10 schedule.

I'm fired up about the Gopher's victory. That is how low this program has sunk in the last year. We will most certainly be pounded by Bowling Green next week and stumble into conference play 2-2. It's four wins or bust for me.

Is it hockey season yet?


p.s.
lol Sarah Palin's daughter.

What Would You Give Up?

Our pride and joy, the University of Minnesota football team kicks off its 2008 football season this Saturday. Our boys will look to rebound from an unthinkable 1-11 campaign under first year coach Tim (don’t call me Jim) Brewster. Last year’s edition was plagued by a gad awful defense that was statistically the nation’s worst.

The primary objective of every Big Ten team is to win the conference championship and play in the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California on New Year’s Day. Unfortunately for Gopher fans, our team hasn’t made a tilt out to Pasadena in 46+ years. This year’s squad should be improved, by dreams of a Rose Bowl berth will most likely be put on hold for another year.

Every fan in Gopher Nation has been starved for a Big Ten Title for years now. We’re slowly becoming the Chicago Cubs of the Big Ten. Many of our fans would give a lot to see the Gophers play in Pasadena. A few years ago when the Boston Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino and won the World Series there was a MasterCard video made that showed what many Red Sox fans would have to give up after their team won the championship. If you’ve never seen this video, check it out here. http://www.redsoxconnection.com/mastercard.html

Now, it’s time for Gopher fans to pony up.

What would you give to see the Gophers win the Big Ten and play in the Rose Bowl?

A. Your Mac
B. Your gas guzzler truck
C. Your lady friend
D. Your job
E. Your house
F. Your left nut

The Cookie Says So

My fortune cookie from lunch this afternoon:

"You are about to receive a big compliment" - in bed.

YESSSSS!

Shady Broke My Heart

Once upon a time, a land not far from here, existed a highly regarded facility for relaxation and recreation. Nestled in the heart of Minneapolis' Western Suburbs sits Shady Oak Beach, a place I've held in my heart since I took my first gulp of lake water some 18 years ago. As I became a more proficient swimmer, I graduated to the big dock. By the time I was 15 the beach was a daily activity.

Then there came the day when I realized I could get paid to look out over this paradise. After completing my lifeguard certification, I promptly turned in my employment application. Never receiving a return phone call, I was forced to fall back on the guard chairs at the local YMCA pool. However, I was persistent with my badgering and a year later I was granted a spot on the guard staff at the Greatest Place on Earth.

Nervous at first, I was a timid and unapproachable lifeguard. Slowly I came out of my shell and began to bond with my coworkers and built great relationships with our patrons. After three years of dedicated service, I had acquired some seniority. I had had my ups and downs but I felt I had become a formidable lifesaver and someone respected by my coworkers. When the position of Lifeguard Coordinator became available, I jumped for it.

On wednesday night in the spring I got a call from the Minnetonka Assistant Facilities Manager, asking for an interview. I agreed to go in for a meeting at 10 am the following Saturday. When that mornign came around I got up early, put on my best button-up and drove out to lovely Minnetonka.

I met with the Manager, small talk for a while: discussed her new baby, how he was doing, the weather and the like... Then we went into the "Burwell Room" to conduct the interview. I sat down looked up and then saw these words come out of her mouth:

"I'm sorry, but we cannot offer you a sop on our staff this year."

HUH?!?! My mind was in shock. The conversation that followed went a little like this:

Me: Why not?

Her: There is apparently a video on Youtube with you in it.

Me: Okay...

Her: Are you aware of this?

Me: I think I am in a few videos on youtube, actually.

Her: In this video, it shows you and a few staff members drinking what looks to be alcohol on the job.

(For those of you interested, that would be this video)

Me: Okay. Why do you think it was alcohol?

Her: Well I don't know what it was.

Me: So why are you assuming it was alcohol.

Her: I have no way of knowing what it was.

Me: Well, since I AM in the video, let me tell you. It was water.

Her: You guys seem to be drinking it in a suggestive manner.

Me: We were having a water chugging contest. (Seems dumb, but an awfully good way to pass the time and stay hydrated)

Her: But I have no way of knowing what was in that cup. It looks like you were drinking alcohol.

Me: I just told you it was water. I think it looks like we were having a water chugging contest. (But need be, I'm positive I could chug 16 oz. of straight vodka no problem.)

Clearly this was going nowhere. She continued to tell me that every scene in that movie was incriminating. I suppose this would be the unrecognizable individuals jumping out of trees and the perfectly executed acrobatics performed off the high dive.

Throughout the following weeks I tried to follow up with the powers that be, the Director of Recreation Services for the City of Minnetonka. In my meeting with him, I learned that he felt that he was absolutely dumbfounded by the lack of judgment we possessed in the process of putting this on the internet. Apparently it was a mistake to even consider these actions. Even thinking about videotaping them should have been out of the question and putting it up "on this new website called Youtubes" was the last straw. Make your own decisions. Weather or not just appearing in the video, drinking water and minding one's own business is reason enough to lose a position on the staff at Shady Oak.

Now I want to make it very clear as it was made to me. The individuals involved in this predicament were not fired. We were just not allowed to return to the positions we had held for numerous summers and were best qualified for.

To sum it up, these heathens took something i loved and ripped it to shreds. It forced me to continue on with employment in a field much related to my future career. Perhaps, in the end I would have chosen that path but looking back, I would have rather had that been my decision. So I just wanted to say thanks, Minnetonka. I could go on and on about the numerous ways you have screwed over your employees without a second glance but I think I'll just save it for another day.

I leave our readers with this piece of advice: In the event that you ever manage a bunch of teenagers working at a recreation facility, perhaps consider something other than a Winnie the Pooh jumper when you plan to discipline them and want to appear intimidating. Just a thought.

NCAA Football 2009 Review

I picked up a copy of NCAA Football 2009 a few weeks back for Playstation 3 and I've been playing it quite a bit. I'm a long time fan of this series and I have to say that I'm a little disappointed in this year's edition. This is my first venture with NCAA 09 on the PS3. Here are my observations:

Pros -- The graphics are excellent, all of the players and stadiums are amazing. This is to be expected on a next generation console.

The audio commentary by Brad Nessler, Lee Corso and Kirk Herbsteit is also very deep. I heard Nessler pronounce the name of the infamous Gopher punter Justin Kucek the other day.

The rosters are nice and deep this year. Although, they have Tim McGee listed as a started at DT for the Gophers.

The Dynasty and Campus Legend modes are also very fun and deep. EA Sports has really put a lot of effort into these two areas.

Cons -- I found quite a few things that I didn't like about this year's edition. First of all, there is no "season" mode, you can only play as a dynasty or in single game mode.

Secondly, the fun mini-games like Oklahoma and the passing drill games from the PS2 version have been replaced by a couple of new, lame mini-games.

Classic teams are missing. This was one of my favorite parts of the game. I liked to use the classic teams from the past during the off-season when I was waiting for the new edition to be released. Very pissed about this omission.

Overall, the game is fun, but I figured that with the next generation platforms, the game would include more features, not less.

I give it a 5 out of 10.

Give a hoot

While on my way home from work the other day, I was in giddy works over mood. Barely hearing the radio over the wind whooshing past the windows in my non-airconditioned Ford $-150 to fill up the tank pickup, I noticed something fly out of the window of the car in front of me. As I rambled on past I see a blur of what I make out to be an empty cigarette container.

Really? Is your passenger seat that overflowing with old used Kleenexes or was your grip on the pack just too loose as you opened the window to light up that cancer stick? I understand that my gas guzzling monster of a vehicle tickles mother nature in a way she refers to as "bad touch," but at least it doesn't leave shit lying around on the fucking highway.

Another point: Just the other week some jackass was walking by our dearly beloved Man Palace Central, polishing off a fresh brew before some sort of sporting event. He must of finished it in passing because as I stood the kitchen, I noticed a the glint of a PBR can arching over our newly repair fence (also, kudos to the drunk that decided to do a number on that one). Sorry, could you not wait for the recycling bins ten feet up on the right? Are you just that weak that you couldn't hold on to that empty can for another 5 seconds? Had I not been in my skivvies clutching a half-baked lasagna, I would have run after your ass and and thrown you in a trash compactor myself.
Now I am not a card carrying tree hugger nor do I plan on saving the world by my lonesome (see: Al Gore), but I find it hard to commit such flagrant acts as these. You wanna turn your own yard into a landfill? Feel free. Leave the rest of us out of it. Right now, you are dropping a giant deuce on our beloved planet. And it makes me want to take a shit right in the middle of your bed; a nice little present on top of the comforter you fucking asshole. Thanks for your consideration.

The Second Cumming

REPENT, SINNER!

The Messiah has returned! The Great Book states: "And He shall return when the World is darkest, taking the image of a rodent. He will be loved by all. And He shall bequeath his gift unto all. And the populus shall then betray Him and He shall be ostracized and incarcerated. He shall be known by the name Inmate. His sacrifice will save all."

So repent, sinner. And be saved. All heathens will be cast down to the firey pits of Hell. All believers of The Gift shall receive it unto them.

The Messiah

Don't Shave Your Pubes in the Shower

To whom it may concern:

Trimming of pubic hair while bathing ones self in the tub will no longer be tolerated. The mass of squiggly matted hair now clogging the drain has pushed the cleaning staff to their limits. At the very least, we ask that clippings be removed immediately following individual shower sessions. This will prevent further build up and improve the cleanliness of our bathing facilities.

Thank you for your consideration,
The Management

P.S. This is also a bad idea. (NSFW)

Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer

So imagine, hypothetically speaking, that you are sans computer for more than a week and a half. The lack of perusing the likes of Big Tit Patrol or or Bookworm Bitches is starting to wear on you. Eventually you reach the breaking point and you need to borrow the nearest computer you can think of. For the sake of argument, just pretend that it happens to be your roommate's brand new laptop -still shiny white, with the box laying on the floor. You carry said computer to your fortress of solitude and proceed to surf your adult site of choice, catching up on those updated teaser-trailers.

Now imagine that your just getting down to business; the jar of petroleum jelly sits beside the computer on your desk. All of a sudden, without warning, your hitherto deprived prostate violently erupts in directions beyond your control. A nice pool of sticky goo is now oozing over the nearly fingerprint less keyboard. What do you do?

Art's Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer:

5) Run to the nearest best buy, shell out 1500 clams for a new one and replace it in his room before he notices anything is afoul. (Then, with some cleanup, you have a brand new computer for yourself)

4) Take him out to the local establishment and buy him a few beers. Once the both of you are inebriated, let the deed slip and with luck he will be fully understanding of your predicament and clear you of any guilt or responsibility.

3) Towel it off(use a bath towel now, mind you; those Kleenexes will work on your own rod but going after a computer with a handful of tissues is like trying to climb mount Everest with dental floss). With luck there will be a few sticky keys and nothing worse - could have easily been spilled soda.

2) Leave him a post-it not next to "the gift" and hope he's in a good mood.

1) Publish a "Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Roommate You Splooged All Over His New Computer" on your blog.

Clark's Guide to Pooping at Work

One of my favorite things to do is to drop a deuce. I really enjoy the 10 minutes of relaxation sitting on the can expelling the previous days spread. Over the course of my life, I’ve become a pretty regular pooper with my preferred time being morning. I think since about junior high I started pinching a loaf before I left home for the day whether it be for school or work. Up until recently that is…

The past couple of years I’ve developed a nice habit of taking a shit at work shortly after I arrive each day. This method has been beneficial to be in a couple of ways:

1. I get to do something I enjoy at work on the company’s dime.
2. I get to print out my reading material at work on the company’s dime (more on that later).
3. I don’t dirty my own toilet and waste my own paper.

Take a shit at work is more than just being cheap. I actually picked up the habit from a co-worker of mine who started the tradition of printing off sports articles from the Internet and then leaving them in the stall for the next pooper to read. My friend first started off printing articles by Pioneer Press sports writer Charley Walters so whenever we pass each other in the hallway one of us while say “Heading to do some Charley Walters?” which translates to “are you on your way to take a dump.

For a while, we were both leaving our Internet articles in the stall after we had departed for other poopers to enjoy. However, a few months ago, a bulletin was placed in the head asking that people not leave their reading materials in the shit can. This has I’m sure caused some poopers who consumed our reading material to be disappointed.

When seeking out stuff to ready while I’m dropping a deuce, I usually hit the following web sites:

www.pioneerpress.com (Charley Walters is my writer of choice)

www.gopherillustrated.com

www.espn.com

www.collegefootballnews.com

www.drudgereport.com

www.wikipedia.com (search for a subject of choice, ideal for afternoon dumps)

www.gamespot.com (check out video game reviews)

I consider it a bonus if I get two dumps in during one work day. I like to catch up on all my favorite web sites during my morning drop and I often times will search on Wikipedia in the afternoon for a subject of interest and use that material during my afternoon drop.

I hope that you’re able to implement some of these tips and ideas into your work pooping to make it more productive and pleasurable.

Happy Pooping!

I can't get drunk off beer...

Bull shit.

Remember that annoying frat boy that thinks he's cat's pajama's because his tolerance is "totally superhuman" ("Dude, that's wicked fly"). Apparently this debate runs farther back than I thought. Drinking beer in fact does not make you drunk - there's just not enough alcohol in that little brown bottle; instead you get "high" or as I prefer "tight as an owl."

I can see it now- "no, ociffer. i just had a few brewskis, I ain't drunk..."

That's science.

Skooal Vikings!

I know Art is a huge cheesehead, one of his many failings.

Don't choke on your Beast fatty, but the Cheddar Pope wants to play with the Queens!

Fecal Facts

Now I'm sure if you're reading this, you haven't had much experience with one night stands. But can you imagine what good looking people everywhere must suffer through every Saturday and Sunday morning? I can. Imagine waking up to the girl of your dreams, only to feel the familiar stomach rumbling and rectal contraction which foretell the coming of a gas expulsion. Do you get up and risk an escapee? Do you seal off all exits and hope the blankets suppress the seeping odor? There's no good way to deal with a situation like this. You're at code red, and when she decides she's down for round two, there will be no bigger buzz kill then dropping arse while filling hers.

That's why I think it's important for men everywhere to be aware of what you drink does to your bowel system. Using my own extensive experience with beer and it's after effects, I've attempted to complile a cheat sheet on what's hot and what's not when trying to reach College Nirvana.

Each beer will be ranked on a scale of one to five "gifts", with five obviously being the best.

Coors Light - This watery beer is the "classy" beverage of choice for novice beer drinkers. Poops can range from solid streaks to Havanna Omlets while sqeulching farts are inevitable.

Rusty's Score: Two Gifts

Budweiser - The King of Beers is a bit spendy for budget beer drinkers, but a good investment to avoid day after blue balls. This grainy, bread-like beer will solidify your poops and help you contain the day after farts. Ware the constipation fiend!

Rusty's Score: Four Gifts

Milwaukee's Best (The Beast) - A member of the "Deadly Duo" this is an absoute no no if you plan on a second round of sheet karate. Sharts are a frequent companion of this keg favorite, and as old grandpa Shakleford was fond of saying, "If the sheets are brown, she won't go down"

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Pabst Blue Ribbon - Hippies have so much other crap in their bodies, it's no wonder they don't notice the devistatation PBR will wreak on your digestive tract. This beer has a metallic aftertaste which will most certainly be remixed into air the next morning when the sheets are lifted. Think day old tuna smothered with burnt dog hair.

Rusty's Score: Two gifts

Leinikugel's Summer Shandy: A top of the line beer with top of the line taste, this tart summer special will inverse the relationship of trough dropping to panties for the better. Normalized poop relations mean minimal gastrointestianl activity. I hope you sprung for the jumbo pack of Trojans.

Rusty's Score: Five Gifts

Miller High Life (The Champaign): Completing the "Deadly Duo", this beer is to be avoided at all costs. The Tiger Woods of Air Befoulment will leave your balls aching and your eyes tearing. I recommend Orkin for your fumigation needs.

Rusty's Score: One Gift

Well, there you have it. What to drink and what to avoid if you plan on more gash lapping the day after. I'll seek to provide updates in a tireless effort to eradicate beer farts everywhere.

Do Feed the Animals

A quick update. For those who have heard of Girl Talk, his latest cd is available in a "pay as much as you want" format here.

His remixes make it possible for white people to listen to rap music without having to lock their doors and roll up their windows.

Strawberry Burps

Yum.

After driving around, looking at new computers(unfortunately a necessity following a recent break in at Man Palace Headquarters), my tum tum was looking for a little loving. Not to far from the Circuit City parking lot my accomplice and I came across a Wendy's. Glorious memories of high school nights over taken by boredom come rushing back; often combated by attempting to navigate the drive through lane backwards in a minivan or asking for a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger - Toasted?

Needless to say my interest was peaked and we had to make a stop. Being a warm summer evening, all I really wanted was a satisfying Frosty. Pulling up to the drive through box, I saw that they had a new flavor - Strawberry Frosty Shake. I thought I would give it a whirl and ordered up two of those bad boys.

The Frosty was good it came with whipped cream and a cherry on top, but what came 45 minutes later was pure heaven. Sitting on the couch, minding my own business, I noticed that familiar feeling rising from my gut and up through my esophagus.

Burp.

Oh the deliciousness. Its was like eating the flavorful treat all over again with except there was no meanial chewing or monotonous toungue action. Instead airy smoothness wafted up from inside belly. Now I have long been a fan of the Chipotle burps and the spaghetti and meatballs after effects, but none can compare to the delight I received from this mouth full of Strawberry goodness.

Aside from suggesting it to anyone I meet, I can only conclude that the next big thing will be Flavored Respirators. I'm now looking for investors. Want a piece of the action? Send $10,000, made out to CASH, to Po Box 1240, Walker, MN.

FUCK THIS NOISE

I'm going to apologize right away for the tirade I'm about to go on. I'm tired, crabby, and hot, and then I read this shit on Deadspin. And although I have much better things to write about (such as the article on recent Wild signings that's been sitting in limbo for the past week) I've decided to shoot out a five-minute article which is sure to devolve into a frothy mixture of swearing and threatening of the life of one Mr. Fredrick Engh.

In short, the article blasts Little League All-Star games saying:

There’s nothing like sticking a dagger into a youngster’s self-esteem the first season he plays the sport by letting him know that he’s not good enough or considered worthy to be part of this elite group of teammates.

BOO FUCKING HOO. How fucking uptight is this guy? The reason baseball is a sport is because its COMPETITIVE. Jesus Christ. We better just make the kids from both teams go out to the pitcher's mound at the top of the 1st and hug it out, before calling it a goddamn draw.

Perhaps the paragraph that pisses me off the most is:

On top of all this, the National Standards for Youth Sports state that leagues should not engage in choosing post-season All-Star teams. The standards were put together by some of the nation’s top recreation professionals and are the true voice of reason when it comes to youth sports.

I'll give you one guess who the founder of the "National Alliance for Youth Sports," the organization that pulled these "National Standards" out of their asses, is. One Mr. Engh. Hmmm.

I don't know if I should be more mad at this assclown, or the mayor of Bumfuck Beachwood, OH, who after reading Engh's moronic ramblings, decided to CANCEL THE FUCKING ALL STAR GAME.

Engh's and Mayor Gordon's excuse of saving these poor kids' self esteem is retarded. Engh's article states that kids play sports primarily to have fun, which I absolutely agree with. That's the reason I spent 10 years of my life playing baseball. And if kids are actually having fun, they're not going to give a flying fuck if they don't make the All Star game. Oh damn, they're missing out on one five-fucking-inning Little League game. I was a half-decent player, not nearly an All-Star, but I still went every game and played to win. If these kids get their Power Rangers Pull-Ups in a bunch because they're passed over for an extra game, they don't belong in Little League. It baseball Darwinism, baby.

And the parents? If the parents are being assholes and pushing their kids to play a sport they don't want to, cancelling an All-Star game isn't going to do shit to deter that behavior. Find some other way. I don't know what... I'm not a fucking teacher. I am smart enough to realize what these two fucks don't though. Quit pushing your fucked up beliefs on us.

Engh even has a book called "Why Johnny Hates Sports." I'll tell you why Johnny hates sports. Its because Fucking Freddy took all the fun out of the game. Retard.

Mayor West Gordon (that was a subtle reference/burn...bonus points if you get it), reinstate the damn baseball game. MAN UP.

And Frederick Engh, why don't you get off your fucking high "moral" horse and BLOW ME.

America, Fuck Yeah

I know its not America Day anymore, but I don't give a shit:


http://view.break.com/530967 - Watch more free videos

I want to buy you a draaaaaaaaaaank

America is slowing down. Economically, we ranked outside of the top 25 for the first time in recorded history in Global GDP growth. Politically, campaigns are engaging in fisticuffs over podium decor and Taliban supporters. Socially, Starbucks announces they are closing shop on 600 stores, while rappers everywhere rejoice at the increased availability of this "Purple Drank".

I can't think of a single use for such a substance. Is it really necessary that those who are presumably addicted to a multitude of depressant substances continue to poison their minds?

Today while picking up trash around the pride of Minneapolis, a homeless man approached me asking for a plastic bag in which to insert all of his belongings. After chatting with him for a while about my job and his joblessness, I asked him why he didn't apply for work with the city. I expected the excuse, anything from "I'm too lazy" to "I lost my chode in 'Nam", but I didn't expect "It's no big deal, but I've just got a little 1st degree drug felony on my record, and people don't wanna hire nobody with that".

huh.

"Just a little felony" eh? Being a curious young lad, I looked up the minimum requirements to be hit with a felony possession charge, and it's pretty impressive. Lets play guess what he was possesing!

Was it:
10+ grams of cocaine?
500+ doses of a hallucinegen?
100 KILOGRAMS of marijuana?

A wonder no one wants to swap cough syrup with that guy. he could have used some too.

Just say that outloud to yourself...

In light off this story, I couldn't help but bring up the following byline in today's Star Tribune:

Gay blows field away (with wind's help)

Editors on vacation?

Babes of Euro 2008

European Soccer girls are hot.

Girls of Euro2008.

Yield

Minnesota Nice only extends so far. If you need help getting that old tub out as you remodel the bathroom, you can give me a call and I'll be over in a jiffy. If I need to borrow some tools, my shop teacher neighbor would be more than willing to lend 'em to me for a few days. If anyone winds up in the hospital for a few days, hot dish will find its way to their door in minutes. But all these niceties you can expect in our lovely North Star State are null and void once we the rubber hits the road.

Here's my issue. I have recently noticed that Minnesotans have increasingly more difficulties with this sign:

More often than not, those idiots behind the wheel treat it as one of these:

Which irritates me beyond belief, to the point where i think they should just make it into one of these:For those of you having difficulties with the visuals, try this on for size:

If oncommingcars>=1

Velocity=0

Else if oncomingcars=0

Velocity>0

Else

End

Yes, mine is bigger than yours.

Girls Suck

Proof:

Words of Wisdom

Here I sit all brokenhearted
Came to shit but only farted

There is a certain magic that encases the three metal walls of a public bathroom stall. One that prompts both creativity and clarity of the mind. I myself have brainstormed well over half of my contributions here at the Man Palace while sitting on the John. These simple messages take many forms - some good some bad.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
While wiping his chin
He said with a grin
If my ear was a vagina I'd fuck it

This is by far one of my favorites. It's witty, it rhymes - what more could one ask for. It's great for a good chuckle while trading the sports pages for the business section on the side rail. But like any other genre of great literature, along with those rare strokes of genius, there are also those with just ruin the scenery.

BOB WUZ HERE

Wow. Congrats buddy. You forgot your sharpie and instead chose to scratch away at the paint leaving nothing but straight lines formed into something resembling ancient letters, barely readable to today's higher beings. But the message you bring is like nothing I've ever heard before - it's bound to put even Steven Hawking's Latest works to shame. Perhaps you would like to start some form of guest list. Sign in, maybe leave a personal message regarding the high points of your latest bowel movements. Idiot.

Looking for a good time? Call Cindy. 320.230.9070

Hmm. Well, your friend "Cindy" didn't seem to keen on the idea of me sticking it in her bum. That's really upsetting because her deep luscious voice sounded oh so sexy on the phone as he answered, "Hello, B & K Auto Repair, What can I do for you?"

Manliest names on the PLANET!

After having a lengthy discussion about how awesome Lance Armstrong's name is I went to interwebs to find other awesome manly names. And yes, I am at work. I call this research for Gillette. And boom, I run into the 9 top manliest names in the world.

First surprise. Where is Bear Gryls? An obvious oversight. And how about Wolf Blitzer? Another fail.

Hands down, my favorite manly name is Dick Pound. Call me inappropriate, but that's just too funny. Second place is Staff Sgt. Max Fightmaster. Is this for real? Plus, he's in the army.

Up to the Challenge, Pt. 1

One of the websites I check every day is the Weblist. Its basically a feed aggregator of Digg, Reddit, and a bunch of other websites. Its good for finding random cool websites and videos of people getting a one way ticket to hell.

The other day, I found a website called simply "One Hundred Pushups," which is a guide to being able to do 100 pushups in a row within 6 weeks. To say that I am not the healthiest person ever is definitely not a lie. And while throwing the baseball around in the park this afternoon with the founding fathers of the Man Palace, shirtless because of how beautiful it was (ladies, try not to get too excited. There's plenty of me to go around), I realized maybe a few pushups wouldn't hurt.

While the regiment doesn't look to difficult at first glance, I may have overestimated my abilities. To set a baseline, you're supposed to simply do as many pushups as you can before you collapse in exhaustion. "Psssshhhhhh...minimum 20, most likely 35, possibly up to 45" is what went through my head. Fourteen pushups later, my arms were wobbling like the supports of the 35W bridge (too soon?) and I gave up. The fact that it took upwards of 45 minutes to regain the feeling in my arms is making me think that maybe this will be a little harder than I imagined.

But I'm up for it. At least until I get bored with it. But until that happens, I'll update all of you on my progress and whether or not this thing actually works. Because I know you guys care so much...

Freedom!

Sorry for the lengthy absence folks. I know all four of our readers have missed my often misspelled banter which frequently sacrifices brevity for poop jokes.

The last several months have been the deep breath before my plunge into hell, and with it a lifetime of billing hours and banging paralegals. Although I may not have been relieved of my testicles, the torture I have endured has been agonizing and often times infuriating. I know what you're thinking, and yes, I have been studying for the LSAT (I also have a name for my penis).

Do you like word puzzles? writing 1,000 words on vague prompts? figuring out who takes the red car on tuesday when sally takes the blue car on every other wednesday? Then you are one sick fuck. and I have the perfect experience for you.

The LSAT, more commonly known as the Law School Admission exam is an excruciating five hour long pig fuck which presumably tests a students future ability to succeed in law school. This is a lie. If you ask any JD holder or have seen the movie Paper Chase you know that the only attributes you need are the following:

1. An insatiable appetite for pain
2. A total disregard for the welfare of your fellow man
3. No sex drive.

Since I have two of the three, I'm good to go. So wish me luck tomorrow as I make a driving schedule for the fucking Brady Bunch, and consider the suicide properties of the #2 pencil.

College World Series

One of my favorite sporting events began today. I’m referring to the College World Series, an eight team, double elimination tournament that takes place in Omaha, Nebraska each June to decide the champion of college baseball. I have no idea why the tournament is held in Omaha, I guess something has to be held in Nebraska. All games in the tournament are telecast on the ESPN family of networks.

College baseball is no where near as popular as college football or college basketball making it more of a niche sport that doesn’t have a big time TV contract or a national following. It is somewhat surprising that college baseball isn’t that popular considering the popularity of Major League Baseball. I think some of the reasons college baseball isn’t that popular is because it’s more of a regional sport. The teams from the south and the west seem to dominate. The Minnesota Gophers do have a prominent college baseball program, producing three national champions and several legendary players such as Dave Winfield and Paul Molitor. On the flip side, the Gophers haven’t been to the College World Series since 1977 and no Big Ten team has been to Omaha since 1984 (Michigan and Barry Larkin). Recent changes in NCAA baseball rules have been designed to even the playing field between the teams from all regions of the country by enforcing a uniform start date to the season. In past years, teams in warm climates would begin their season as early as late January, giving them a jump on the season over teams from cold climates. Although, the last two national championships have been won by Oregon State, a school considered to be from the north.

Another reason college baseball is not popular is the use of aluminum bats. I feel this makes the game more fun. Hitting with an aluminum bat allows for some wicked hits and high scoring games. In recent years, there have been rule changes that have toned down the bats to curve the number of home runs hit in games. As recent as 1998, Arizona State scored two touchdowns yet lost the national championship to USC who put up three touchdowns (21-14). Still, it is not uncommon to see players hitting over .400 on every team.

For the next week, you can watch college baseball on national TV. Give it a shot.

I Almost Drowned Last Night

Weeknight drinking is fun. The next day at work isn't. At least until 11 o'clock when the hazy vision finally clears and the headache disappears.

To christen Rusty and Art's new free grill (fuck yeah, Craigslist), the Man Palace editorial staff and a couple of our biggest fans gathered at HQ to cook up some pork chops, eat some chips, and play some beer pong. After the food, the real festivities began. Yesterday being one of the few days in recent memory where we haven't gotten six inches of rain, we decided to play some outdoor pong (wind conditions make it a totally different experience). After my partner and I won 3 games by a cup before losing by a cup, I was somewhat intoxicated.

After someone had the bright idea to call 93X and request, of all songs, Eye of the Tiger (the intern phone screener's reply: "We don't play shit."), we decided it was a good idea to climb the ladder onto the roof of the garage. Beer in hand, we sat up there, looking at the "stars" and shooting the breeze. In my infinite smoothness, I leaned back to get the last gulp of Primo out of the bottle, only to spill it all over my face. Since I was leaning back, it went up my nose, which made me gasp and inhale. I've heard of people drowning in a couple of inches of water when they were drunk, but to drown by splashing beer into your own face would just be fucking sad. Luckily, I didn't die.

Actually, Art came much closer to death than I did when, after telling everyone that the ladder wasn't stable, and being told to "man up" (probably by me), the ladder promptly started sliding out from under him. It eventually caught, but not before he skinned his leg all to hell. Not my fault, though. I swear.

All in all, it was a good way to start the grilling season. I have a feeling there will be more instances of weekday drinking this summer.

Testicular Televison

Remember when Spike TV came out, promising to be Man's cable destination? No? Well, that was their mission when they were still young and naive. Since then, its devolved into shitty hot-rod shows and constant reruns of CSI. That crap is soooo 2001. MXC was their only shining light, and even that has gotten old.

Hell, even G4, a decidedly gaming nerd oriented cable network has come up with some pretty badass shows, the most badass among them being Ninja Warrior. Those Japanese sure know how to make an obstacle course.

However, somewhat surprisingly, the newest frontrunner in manly TV turns out to be none other than the Discovery Channel. Who'da thunk? They have had Shark Week forever, and the only thing manlier than a great white shark would be a bear holding a shark. Although lately, Discovery, and its sister station the Hitler History Channel, have been upping the ante.

The best show on Discovery is easily Deadliest Catch, which according to the Strib, is now the number 3 rated show on all of television, not just cable, on Tuesday nights. Just for a cable show to make the top 10 rated shows on any particular night is a pretty impressive.

The show follows crab fisherman in the Bering Sea during the King Crab and Opelio seasons. And although it may not sound any more interesting than those Sunday morning fishing shows, throw 40 ft waves and ice into the mix, and you've got yourself a show. The Strib sums it up pretty good:

The folks are mostly men, all rugged, real and capable, proof that Americans can still live by their wits and the strength in their callused, competent hands. Call it testicular television.

Also, the fact that these guys can make more than a luscious $40K in less than two weeks of work adds some excitment.

These types of shows are really driven by the men themselves. These are the types of guys who bite the heads off fish (literally...its a pre-season tradition on one of the boats) and eat their shredded wheat without any milk (see previous post). Sig Hansen is probably the biggest badass of them all, mainly because he's Norwegian. And because they've never shown him sleep on the show, which leads me to believe that he actually doesn't during the season.

Other manly shows on Discovery and History are Dirty Jobs (Mike Rowe is a stud), Ice Road Truckers, and Ax Men. All are worth at least checking out for a quick fix of testosterone in a pinch. The women can have their network TV with Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, and Top Model. I'll continue paying for the good stuff.

Well, technically I guess cable is included in my rent...

'Nuff Said

WNBA

To the dismay of many, this post involves professional basketball. Something I thought I would never bring up again. Those appalled by this please skip to the last two paragraphs.

I enter the men's room this afternoon around 3:15 pm. Squatting down to what was anticipated to be a great release of digested Cheesy Broccoli Rice, I reached for the sports section. Unfurling it, I was disappointed to see more coverage of Professional basketball. But what is this? All these athletes have ponytails... And this one looks familiar...

Hmm... She used to wear Maroon and Gold in the Pam Borton's Lady Gopher Basketball Squad. Apparently she now takes up residence in Connecticut and plays for the Suns(they couldn't be from Phoenix now could they?). Needless to say the Suns dominated the Lynx for the second time this season. And that is about all the knowledge about womens professional basketball I can impart with you. Never Again.

But wait... Isn't there a certain men's basketball league in the midst of a championship series? Oh, they're there on the sidebar; I was hoping I had missed it. Almost didn't see you there, Kobe(Sidenote: Jimmy Kimmel just informed me the Lakers man is good friends with David Bekham - my respect for the footballer just declined five Schrute Bucks and a Stanley Nickel).

Hold on, I think I remember hearing something about another big tournament in Austria and Switzerland. One that is so manly, they don't even invite us pussies in the Americas to participate in. Oh hear is is on the bottom of page 7! This football tournament, only held every four years, called the EuroCUP has been underway for almost a week? Huh, who would have thought? As a soccer fan in the United States, the mainstream press sure makes it difficult for me to keep up with what the other 95% of the world is watching. Where are the priorities people?

And what a game we are missing. No getting bored of two weeks worth of championship games. You only get 90 minutes. No coming back the next night for a rematch. Such style, such grace and the occasional headbutt. My prediction: Croatia sneaks into the final only to be defeated by Spain 2-1. You heard it here first.